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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I (can I?) protect the dc?

25 replies

waitinggame1234 · 10/04/2016 15:58

Currently still living with stbeh due to financial situation and likely to do so for a year. Separated since end of January.

Stbeh has introduced dc (6 and 8) to new gf. She comes to the house 2 evenings a week (while I am at a hobby). He goes to hers 3-4 evenings a week and stays over.

My main issue is that he basically dictates weekend time - he'll tell the dc what they're going to do and then I either have to go along with his plans or look like the mean one. He's having the dc over at her house for sleepovers (she also has 2dc) which I'm not particularly comfortable with but once he's told the dc there's not much I can do.

I'm worried it's all really bad for the dc. The relationship is only 2 months old.

Is there anything I can do? I've tried discussing it with him and thought he'd understood but then he planned 2 sleepovers this weekend (Fri and tonight) and last night they were all at a wedding (sharing a family hotel room)

OP posts:

CockacidalManiac · 10/04/2016 16:05

She comes to the house?!

loveyoutothemoon · 10/04/2016 16:07

Why you letting her come to your house?!

Original poster

waitinggame1234 · 10/04/2016 16:14

Yes, she comes round on the evenings I go out. There's not really anything I can do about it. I will also admit that my do comes round one evening after the dc are asleep and stbeh goes to his gf's house.

OP posts:

RedMapleLeaf · 10/04/2016 16:21

All of this in about 10 weeks??

LittleMisslovesspiders · 10/04/2016 16:25

My thoughts too Red

Costacoffeeplease · 10/04/2016 16:33

It all sounds very complicated and you've all moved on very quickly

goddessofsmallthings · 10/04/2016 16:36

It sounds as if it's not so much musical chairs as musical beds in your house, OP, and, try as I might, I can't see that it's good for your dc to have their dps moving at a speed that has most probably left them bewildered. How old are they?

If your h is already staying over at his gf's 3-4 nights a week after a mere couple of months, surely he can move in with her?

Original poster

waitinggame1234 · 10/04/2016 16:38

Yes, all in 10 weeks.

The dc don't really know about my dp - they have no idea he comes round. We're taking things slowly. It's someone I have known for a while - connected to my hobby. Stbeh has only recently met his gf.

OP posts:

Dontlaugh · 10/04/2016 16:40

If both of you have new partners within 2 months of separating, it may be wise for all concerned to withhold full on interaction with your children until many many more matters are sorted.
For the children's sake.
It is not fair on them and raises unreasonable expectations of them.
They deserve stability after a split. Not bed hopping.

LittleMisslovesspiders · 10/04/2016 16:42

The dc don't really know about my dp - they have no idea he comes round.

I bet they actyally do know.

It's someone I have known for a while - connected to my hobby. Stbeh has only recently met his gf.

Makes no difference.

Dontlaugh · 10/04/2016 16:43

To answer your question, you can protect your children by putting them first.
To spell it out, stop allowing your stbexh's partner into your home. Not on. Contrary to what you've you've posted, there is actually a lot you can do about it. If you choose to.
What's good for the goose is good for the gander, so....
Stop allowing your new dp over. Whether they are aware of it or not, it's still not on.

RedMapleLeaf · 10/04/2016 16:47

The dc don't really know about my dp - they have no idea he comes round. We're taking things slowly.

Respectfully, I really, really don't agree. I don't think that you are behaving in a way that protects your children and puts their needs first. Obviously your husband isn't either, but you can't change that, you can only react to it.

coconutpie · 10/04/2016 18:01

What on earth? He's already having his DC over at his new fling's place for sleepovers and he's only seeing her for 2 months? And they all stayed in a family room at a hotel recently? And he has her over in your house when you are not there? Bloody hell, that is seriously fucked up. Your poor DC are going through the mill here with all this. You need to stop this shit at once because their emotional wellbeing is not being regarded here at all. This current set up is not good for them. They must be so confused, hurt and upset over all this. Staying in a family room at a hotel though? What must your DC have been thinking while all this was going on? This is just madness.

Stop her coming to your house for starters. And stop him bringing them for sleepovers. If he wants to stay with her so much, he can move out now, not drag it out for months.

Snoopydo · 10/04/2016 18:25

You both bring new partners to the family home when you have been separated for ten weeks? And you ask how can you protect the children. Words fail me.

HandyWoman · 10/04/2016 18:27

We're taking things slowly

With respect, you're actually moving incredibly fast. All of you.

Your poor dc must be struggling with all this. I'm sure they are very aware of the musical beds scenario in your house. At the very time they need reassurance and stability.

You all need to have a good look at how you can start prioritising the dc. Because this is not it.

TrixieBernadette · 10/04/2016 18:31

You only split up 10 weeks ago, and you already have a new "DP"?

No, you don't. He is not a DP.

10 weeks is too soon for both of you. Your ExH sounds like a tool - you need to find a way of him moving out before Jan, or you, tbh. But you aren't a great deal better tbh. Focus on your children, spend some time on your own putting a secure roof over their head away from all this crap.

Sorry, but I have a friend in a similar situation on my FB (in fact if you actually met your DP through work not a hobby I have a feeling you are her tbh) and it is not healthy for anyone involved.

LittleMisslovesspiders · 10/04/2016 18:43

coconut I see you fail to mention that the OP also has a new DP who she brings to the house.

Original poster

waitinggame1234 · 10/04/2016 19:37

Yes, I sometimes have to round (as an example he was round on Friday when the kids weren't here). The kids have never seen him here. (And I use dp as it's easier than typing any other description)

I just don't know how to get through to stbeh - I don't want to scream and shout. I wanted things to stay amicable but I never expected him to do these things with the kids.

OP posts:

LittleMisslovesspiders · 10/04/2016 19:41

The kids have never seen him here

You don't know that. You have him there whilst the DC are there as you say in your OP.

My DH exW said that the DC didn't know about her DP one of many They absolutely did.

LIZS · 10/04/2016 19:44

I think you need to agree ground rules and that includes not putting dc in a position of having to accept new partners on their territory. ie. not in your home or then sleeping over at someone else's. How long before they stumble across your Dp one night, assuming they haven't already seen or heard something. Do you really think this is acceptable for upwards of a year? Stbx shouldn't get to dictate what happens anymore than you do, but you can't expect him to tow a line you don't.

HandyWoman · 10/04/2016 19:48

Yes you need, at the very minimum, to stop your bf's visits to the house. It's way too soon.

Then get your ex to similarly shape up - or ship out.

Your dc's home should be a place of safety and stability. Not a place of revolving doors, confusion and strange adults sneaking about.

IthinkIamsinking · 10/04/2016 19:57

Fucking hell.
I echo PP's.
Keep these people out of your house. It is waaaaaay too soon. Those poor kids.
I really do wonder what the hell is going on in peoples heads sometimes.

nicenewdusters · 10/04/2016 20:09

Agree with all the previous posters. You can protect your dc by maintaining their home as just that, not a revolving door for his and your new partners. Why on earth are your children sleeping in a relative strangers home ?

I'm sorry but that's just nuts. You do have a say because they're just as much your dc as his. He's still living in the same bloody house as his kids, he doesn't need to drag them over to stay with him and his latest squeeze.

I know you're looking for advice but your post has made me feel annoyed. Your dc are having to deal with their parents breaking up, that's enough, but now you're parading new partners in and out. I too agree your children will know you are seeing someone. I suspect the dc are more responsible than either of you.

Original poster

waitinggame1234 · 10/04/2016 20:25

I know that I am also in the wrong and I'm happy to tell go he can't come round when the kids are asleep anymore but that doesn't stop stbeh doing what he's doing.

He knows I can't stop him being in the house (legally, I can't). He also knows I am trapped because I can't afford this house on my own, can't afford a solicitor, can't really afford to rent anywhere suitable and my job isn't safe.

OP posts:

Elizabethreallyismissing · 10/04/2016 22:26

Have you started divorce proceedings? I think you really need to see a solicitor, you can't carry on like this. He's calling all the shots, trampling all over you and damaging the kids in the process!

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