I'm fed up with my family blaming me for having a disabled child

[lottielou7]

My oldest daughter is 14 and has very challenging behaviour and also self injurious behaviour. She's severely autistic with other comorbid conditions. I also have a 12 year old (NT) and a 7 year old who also has SEN (ADHD and dyspraxia). Their father has contact with them but is not as helpful as he could be. As a single parent I struggle to get everything done for all of them and need family support. My mother has lately started coming round and saying the situation is all my fault for having dd1 in the first place . I find this really upsetting.

At the moment I'm currently fighting the LA to get her a placement at a more suitable school. It just frustrates me that the people around me are so unsupportive. Her dad says he's arranged to meet friends quite often when I ask him to help. The last thing I want is for dd1 to be taken into care in an emergency type situation. I feel that she would be so much better in an appropriate setting.

Just venting really because I'm hurt by the things my family say :(

I am sorry that your family are unsupportive and unsympathetic. I am also sorry to hear that you are having to battle the powers that be in order to get proper help for her. I am afraid that this is how it is in most areas - it is a disgrace. It might be worth trying these people for support and advice: www.autism.org.uk They may also know about local support groups.

The next time your mother comes out with similar crap, just tell her that it could be her family's "bad genes" which are the cause of your children's problems! We all know that couldn't possibly be true but right now it sounds like she's got you over a barrel. Could you cope on your own without any family involvement? Being made to feel guilty for family help is no fair exchange.

Your mother's attitude bloody stinks but I understand how you probably wouldn't want to give voice to it.

I myself have AS. And I've been told that ADHD is linked to ASD type conditions. My dad I think is definitely autistic as well.

The problem is that it's the end of the Easter holidays and dd1 gets fed up with how noisy and impatient dd3 is. We do have respite but it's only two nights a month. I don't think I could cope alone but the problem is my mum is nice some days and on others will just turn. I don't like them looking after dd1 because they get cross with her and shout at her. When they go back to school things will be more manageable again. We have large glass terrace doors which dd1 kicks and if she breaks them (apart from the danger to herself) it will cost thousands to repair.

Sounds like your mum can't cope either and is projecting her frustrations onto you in a really unpleasant way.
The next time she makes a comment like that I would show her the door and make it clear you find her attitude really hurtful and unsupportive. Suggest she comes back when she feels ready to offer love and support rather than such a shitty approach to the issues..... then leave her to stew. I would rather struggle through on my own than put up with that crap.
Sorry you are having a hard time OP.

TBH in your situationh I think I'd turn it around on her. If she thinks you shouldn't have had DD1 I'd reply 'Well in that case you should never have had me, since DF has exactly the traits I've inherited and ASD are inherited'. That might just shut her up and if it doesn't I'd be brutally honest about how unhelpful, hurtful and frankly unconstructive you find her comments. Your DD is 14. What the hell are you supposed to do with your DM's comments at this point - put her back where she came from?

Your mother sounds like mine.
Whenever I have problems she throws it in my face and says it is all my fault. She wants the perfect model daughter even though she left me to fend for myself growing up.

I eventually told my mother I didnt love her and I wish she wasnt my mother. I meant every word of it.

I would suggest giving your mother as good as she gets. The shock on my mother's face was palpable. Your mother deserves it as did mine.

To clarify I should probably have said 'ASD is thought to be inherited in many cases', as I'm sure there are cases where its not. In your family's case though it would seem to be, yet your DM is washing her hands of all responsibility and unhelpfully laying all responsibility at your door (though how you were to have known you would have a DC with ASD is beyond me as there is no prenatal test available to this day).

My in-laws were like this, though to a lesser degree, about my dyslexic son - they wouldn't countenance the idea that it could possibly be inherited from their side of the family, even though I would put money on the fact that SiL has something similar.

I hope you're getting other support with trying to get the right school? SOS SEN and IPSEA can be really helpful.

I told my family in no uncertain terms that those kinds of comments would see them taken off my list of people I'm prepared to engage with. My daughter has autism and a severe LD. They kept going on about my parenting as tho my parenting was causing this.

I don't need that kind of hurt. I cut them out for a while and am now v low contact. Don't regret it. Made me realise how they generally treated me like crap

I had a myriad of health issues to deal with.

My family said how did you get that no one else has it, rather than support me.

So sad they think of themsleves rather than support family in need.

I wouldn't stoop to her level with digs about ASD being inherited.

Quite shocked that people are suggesting that tbh. It's not some kind of insult to use when you want to get back at someone.

I just wouldn't see them if they are making life harder. I don't often advise NC but some less contact for a bit would lighten the load on you.

I agree Fanjo - I certainly wouldn't use it as an insult. My dad is much worse than my mother is - he's consistently nasty and doesn't hide his dislike for me. He apparently never wanted children and he's always felt that I'm an inconvenience. My mum will be nice one day and then the next she's crying and being nasty and saying it's my fault she's unhappy because of dd1 etc.

The problem is that I need practical help because I have three children and as I said dd1 gets stressed around dd3 because she's quite a loud and excitable child. When she was little, if she had a meltdown it was much easier to deal with than now because she's coming uo towards my height now and if she gets upset she starts kicking everything in sight but more worryingly, her self injurious behaviour is really severe. I don't have any siblings and the children's dad isn't very helpful - he puts his social life above helping us.

The holidays are, of course the worst time. She's just about had enough. I think that in the right school she will be a different child.

SoThatHappened - my mum sounds exactly like yours. If something goes wrong, somehow she always finds a way to say that obviously it was my fault.