If we divorce can I move (far) away and take the children

[zippyswife]

Considering leaving dh. The relationship is so toxic. We have no respect or love for one another. In fact he has just told me he hates me. I feel the same. I'm considering leaving. But I am more or less a sahm. And he doesn't earn lots (public sector). We live in the Home Counties where property is so expensive. If we sold abd divided the proceeds I could not afford to buy here or anywhere local. I lived in Northern Ireland for years and most of my friends are there. I would love to go back and could afford to buy there. Could I go and take the kids and live there? (This is probably a really stupid question sorry).

Dh is not abusive to me or the kids although he is capable of gas lighting. We just don't like each other at all Anymore and although we try to disguise that in front of the dcs I don't know how long we can keep it up. I think we'd be much bette apart.

Ps apologies for typos. Feeding do with one hand and posting with the other.

No. And why would you want to if you say he's a good father?

I'm sure you wouldn't be impressed if he decided the same

For financial reasons. I just don't know how we could afford to live anywhere remotely near our current location. We are stretched go socially as it is.

I always wanted to move back there also so it seems like an obvious alternative.

Though I'm not surprised to learn that I wouldn't be allowed to. It was more like a fantasy/dream. Thanks for the response.

If he agrees you'd be fine. If he doesn't agree he could take it to court for a decision on whether the children can move. Then a judge will look at the merits either way, your need for support, better job opportunities etc vs kids need to see their father each week, stay in the same schools etc.

If you're not working you'd be entitled to housing benefit tax credits etc. Poor people live in the Home Counties too btw!

I don't think it's as simple as you wouldn't be "allowed to". People move back to their families all the time when divorcing so get some proper advice on this and how things can be sorted financially. For example you may be able to agree your H gets a bigger share of the joint assets than he would otherwise if you can move to live somewhere cheaper etc.

And I wouldn't want to be reliant on HB and benefits in this climate tbh as they are not really enough to live on in the home counties with rental costs

Thanks for the replies. He would definitely not agree to me moving away with the dcs. So it would be a fight I guess which I don't want for the sake of the kids.

If he won't agree then it will likely end up in mediation and if no joy there, court. you will have to prove that the kids' relationship with their father will not be negatively impacted by the move. Which it sounds like it would be as you jointly wouldn't be able to afford for them to travel to see him or vice versa on a weekly or fortnightly basis. Would you want to send them to spend all holidays with him (hard for him to cover that with leave, I imagine). Any discussion would be totally around the children's relationship with their dad, particularly if they are primary school aged or younger. Sorry it's not what you want to hear - I had the same message from my solicitor 5 years ago and am stuck in SE as well.

Maybe you could strike a compromise and find an area you can afford (reduce your expectations, housing-wise?) that is an acceptable travel distance for both parents. Or agree to all move, but as two households, to another area? I am 30 minutes from DS' dad and it's been a good distance - before I was 5 mins walk and that meant a lot of aggro.

Good luck and I hope things work out for you all.

Really expensive to travel from Ireland every holidays I imagine.

If you stay where you are and decide to sell you will both end up with much smaller places.

Could you stay in the house and either buy him out/could he buy you out?

Could you rent a tiny studio or flat and take it in turns to stay there - when you have the children that parent stays at home with them?

Are there different options that may be possible?

Why would you even consider doing that to your children ??

Agree with s88.

I always think the well being of the resident parent is something that should be taken into consideration. When a family splits, fairly or not, the mental and physical well being of the parent with custody is vitally important, because they are the one taking the greatest share of the responsibility, doing the job of two parents.

If relocating to Ireland means the children will have a better standard of life overall, and you will have a better support network, then I think you're justified in going ahead.

How would you feel if he took his children and moved far away from you?

There was nothing to stop my ex-h moving 200 miles away from his children after our split. But you'll probably find that little is fair on the resident parent in these matters.