Hate his mum, we're drifting apart

[MumToBe2015R]

Been with my DH for 9yrs now (married 5) his mums always been interfering, but used to get on with her before we got married. But since we got married we don't get on at all. We moved out after we got married as we had constant arguements & was getting to much.

I used to just ignore & didn't bothet mixing with her, but now we have a baby I feel we need to so LO gets to know his grandmother. But even when she comes over every week she ignores me, says bye to Dh & LO doesn't bother with me, talks behind my back to people! Just getting fed up! Around xmas last yr I stopped her seeing LO but then a mutual friend of ours got involved & made MIL understand & told her she would need to get along with me aswell as her son & GC.

DH has opened up to me this week & told me he feels depressed all the time due to the constant arguements & nagging about his mum & her nagging about me. He's going to see the GP on Monday.

I don't know what to do. We're arguing everyday without fail. As he's the only child he says he can't just cut off with his mum as she has no one else all her family lives abroad & she's a widow.

Help?

Have you sat down and discussed with her the issues you've raised? If you have, then u have no choice but to go NC/LC with her. Thought tbh the really issue you have is with your partner. Its his mother, he needs to see what is going on and he needs to back you up and support you whatever you decide to do

Your DH needs to grow some balls and tell his mother - and you - to stop bickering over silly stuff, grow up and just be civil with each other.

Could you not invite her over for coffee to try and air your greviances with each other - have DH present - and agree to disagree and start afresh? You haven't mentioned she has done anything particularly awful sounds mostly like it's tit for tat.

If you both cannot agree to get along for GC and DH sakes then go NC.

Sorry if I come across blunt. X

What kind of stuff is causing the issues? I feel for your dh as he is in the middle but from my experience of having a toxic family it is wearing for a partner to have to humour people who treat me and them badly.

I think a lot depends on what is the source of the tension.

If your mother in law is the source of the conflict and dh is not willing to give up on her and support you when she treats you badly then your relationship may be unworkable.

If it is trivial bickering I think someone will need to break the battle and make an effort and since you can't control her behaviour for the sake of your dh and dc it will have to be you no matter what the rights and wrongs.

It's possible that your DH was cast as the "man of the house" when she was widowed. That's a very unhealthy dynamic, and unless he can see it for what it is and set some limits with his mother essentially claiming his independence from her as an adult then your marriage may be unworkable, as he is already "married" to another woman.

I wonder if you could be a bit more compassionate towards a lonely widow, who wants best for her son.

Are you sure you are not interpreting "wanting to help and give advice" as "interfering".
This is quite common.

Over excitement and needing to be involved is often taken as controlling and interfering.

If you address things rationally, has she actually caused arguments up front of her own accord, or is it more about friction between you both?

It doesn't sound fair on your DH or DC.

There's a long list of problems she causes!
Doesn't bother ringing wishing me for my bday, always on the day of my birthday or our anniversary she'll argue with my husband in the morning & piss our mood off, doesn't like us speaking to her family (even though they want to talk to us), doesn't want us talking or keeping contact with anyone except her, doesn't like my husband talking to my family, talks crap about me to neighbours & family, when my LO was being born she told so many people that LO will be disabled as I have asthma, bought my LO a very expensive present when he was born cost nearly £700 and always rubs it in our face, sometimes she comes over & she will be all okay and sometimes she will come and be in a stroppy mood & try keep picking and blank me (no reason what so ever), other than this there's so much more. She really is a total B

I would be symthetic towards her situation & being a widow but her Husband died 29years ago my Dh was only 3. She could of found someone and got remarried or whatever but she chose not to!

Your husband needs to take an active role in resolving the issues. If he is in Fear, obligation and guilt (FOG) towards his mum, she will keep pulling the strings. She replaced her husband's position with her son but since you have been on the scene, there is competition to beat. They want to look normal from the outside. It all might be unconscious on their part but doesn't help your case. You will need to be as low contact as possible from her to keep your sanity. You need to play poker face with her, show no emotions. Sorry if your husband won't see it himself, it is hard to make them both look at their dysfunction. It is easy to blame your MIL, she is guilty too but is not the only one who is causing issues. Your husband is allowing it all to happen.

She called my husband today (sunday) & nothing said except 'I'm coming to your house tomorrow evening' erm excuse me but that's just piss take, she needs to ask? We could have plans to anything. It's just her overall attitude!
My husband straight said to her, you can't just speak like that & demand, you need to ask 'are you free can I come over'

Arghhhh she annoys me so much

What was her response to your dh telling her that she can't "just speak like that & demand"?

Is she coming to your place tomorrow evening or more properly, as it's now gone midnight, this evening?

How ridiculous. You are 2 grown up married adults and as your MIL can't bear to cut the apron strings and your DH seems to like being tangled up with them, she is being allowed to behave as obnoxiously as she likes. I have a rule with family - I take no shit from the horrid, disrespectful ones I do not care if you are my own mother.

Rather than tell his mum to stfu and to keep away if she doesn't improve her manners, he is going to GP re. depression?! Nonsense. I wonder if he is going to blame the situation on you so the GP doesn't get the full picture of whats really happening here?

Sorry to sound harsh really OP but its a situation that could be resolved if your DH grew up and dealt with his shit. Your DC will grow up in a horrid atmosphere witnessing arguments and stand-offs, and your MIL could aim to turn DC against you. You sound pretty clued up though. I think your DH would more benefit from counselling re. the dynamic between he and his mother. You know best whether he would go for that or not but one thing's for sure, the problem simply isn't going to go away if he doesn't deal with it. On your part, little to no contact with your MIL plus developing an immunity to her comments etc (ie no reaction whatsoever - don't make her important) would seem to be the best option.

She sounds dreadful, does she really wish to see her only child suffer a marriage breakdown and go through depression? She sounds as if she has serious personality issues.

Please talk to your husband about putting on a united front. She is bullying both of you by putting such pressure on you, purposefully being divisive. Don't allow her to break you apart. He must see this and deal with it accordingly. Just because she has chosen to be miserable doesn't mean your family needs to be.

All of this will have an effect on your baby too.

She is! I don't think there is anyone in this world as bad as her! I don't know what to do! It's putting a strain on our relationship which is so upsetting, because we end up arguing because of her! He's told her many times she can't be like this, he always back me up against her (if I'm right of course, which is the case 99.9% of the time)
We end up arguing & don't want that affecting LO & same when she comes over she argues! I just don't feel like having her over! And because the way she is I feel like saying i don't want her having anything to do with LO purely due to it affecting him (note: not using him as a weapon)

Just don't know what to do

Go out later with your DD and don't be there when she comes round.
She needs to learn the hard way, that you can't just demand.
Get your DH to good FOG (Fear Obligation Guilt) and get him THIS BOOK

In the meantime - detach detach detach.
She starts to wind you up = you being PA. Ignore, walk away or just respond with a 'yes dear' or a 'if you say so' or a 'oh yeah, your way is the best' all followed by
If she sees she is not getting to you she just won't bother.
Be out as much as you can when she comes round.
As soon as she knocks be ready, 'Bye DH, let me know when the coast is clear'
Shut the door and leave them to it.
You do NOT have to put up with this shit.
So don't. Don't be there or just don't respond.

Get your DH to good = Get your DH to GOOGLE!!!

I think you need to separate the two issues of your relationship with your MIL and your relationship with your H. Yes, I know they are entangled, but you can tackle them separately to some extent.

Firstly, your MIL. You are handling it. You are low contact. You could move to non contact if you want, but I think you've worked out a compromise which you can cope with.

Now, your H. What are all the arguments about and why do you need to have them? Surely your position must be clear to him by now? You don't like his mother, she doesn't like you, you are keeping contact to the bare minimum. What's left to argue about?

Now, your H. What are all the arguments about and why do you need to have them? Surely your position must be clear to him by now? You don't like his mother, she doesn't like you, you are keeping contact to the bare minimum. What's left to argue about?

I agree with the above. Whatever you do don't mention his mother ever unless it's a reasonable question or answer, whatever you do, don't be critical or bad mouth her. Let him have a relationship with her but you don't need to.

MIL lost her husband early on, she got one shot at parenting. All her hopes were invested in DH. Nobody else deflected her attention. Although he got together with you and it became evident that you were a permanent addition, while you were under her roof she could convince herself nothing was going to change.

Your DH as an adult is the go-to for MIL - her single source of support and attention. I don't know what DH thinks you can do to fix this if he can't solve it.

If her family all live overseas, why wouldn't she embrace the chance to get along with a DIL and grandson.

So he went to the gp, He asked me to go with him which I did. He told the gp everything how he's feeling, cause of him feeling like this (his mum), the GP asked wether MIL was also register at same practice (which she is) so has advised us to book an appointment for her & GP feels as though MIL is depressed & also my DH. So MIL is coming over tonight DH is going to tell her & also discuss about how he feels with her. And I guess take it from there. I tbh don't think she is going to listen to any of it, & is simply going to put the blame on me (always thinks she's right, can't do no wrong) so let's see. Will update later on tonight on here.

Recommendations on how I should react with her today? Be normal/polite like always? Just ignore her? NC?

Eh ? that doesn't sound right - your DH goes to the GP about his own potential depression and it ends up being about your MIL. Did the GP discuss your DH at all - does he have any further appointments for counselling or a prescription for anti-Ds?

What should you do tonight? Well personally I'd make myself scarce. I suspect that she's going to go ballistic that you and DH have been discussing her with the doctor ( and to be honest if she does she has a bit of a fair point) and as she can't blame your DH she will blame you.

She may well be depressed but the doctor had no business discussing her outside of her presence unless she is incapable of physically looking after herself. I can't see your DH's chat improving things at all.

Sorry I should have put that in the above post. She did discuss my husband in quiet a lot of detail & has refered him for counsilling & also given him a score sheet which she wants him to fill & bring when she sees him in 3weeks time.

when my dh told her why he feels depressed & what makes him depressed (his mum & her behaviour) GP felt as though MIL needs to be seen as what we are saying about her seems like depression. Also said maybe it would be best for MIL to go by herself to GP so she can open up to them. She only spoke to a long distant neice of hers yesterday & was crying on the phone to her saying 'how we don't bother with her & we don't live with her' so DH cousin called us this morning & told us this & we told the GP.

I would go out and leave her to your DH like others have suggested.

She said she was coming not asked. Your H said no. Now she is coming.

No need for you or DC to be there.

Since when does someone go to the GP about depression, and then is told to book an appointment for the person he is depressed about? & even if it wasn't said person who is depressing him - you can't just "make" an appointment for someone just like that. Nor can you compel them to attend - is your DH his mother's carer or some such? If he is not then you surely must have got the wrong end of the stick

In your shoes I wouldn't have gone to the GP. Id have said no. You & your MIL hold your DP's hand too much, he is a grown man and the consultation may have gone differently if you weren't there. As it is, it just sounds like every time you are around, talk is about his mother.

I may get flamed for sounding wicked but in your shoes my man would've had to shut the fuck up about his mum by now. Added to that, why is it you can't somehow dis-entangle? It really does sound like the 2 of you talk about his mother all the time.
,
You are low contact with her, no need from hereonwards for you to be present at GP hearing him go on about her, he he will (hopefully!) receive appropriate care and treatment from medical services they will know what to do. Id stop "feeding" the whole situation. Let him get the medical care he needs, and on your part don't speak to or about his mother. You don't have to be there when she comes round either you're a grown woman, so pick up yourself and your DC and go out visiting, wandering, whatever you want to do

Aside from that Id screen him out totally re. the mum convo

We definetly didn't get the wrong end of the stick she definetly said to just ask MIL & if she's okay about it to book a appointment & she will attend herself & see the same GP. Appointment has been booked and she is due to go next week. DH is not her carer.

Anyway from now they will start him on counsilling & he will be attending that alone anyway.

if I just go out when she comes is fine I rather that then sit here when she's here anyway. But then taking DC with me, doesn't it make it look like I'm not letting him see her? Using DC as a weapon

Heard some more stuff today from a neighbour & was told that she's been moaning that she only gets to see DC once a week! I know exactly what she wants, she wants to be here 24/7!

I really feel like just leaving sometimes! All this f situation is getting on my nerves! He's never going to leave his mum & I would be very selfish to make him do that, but pisses me off at the same time that me & DC don't seem as important to him then!