Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel so sad for his wife

27 replies

E039 · 25/03/2016 18:29

Unfortunately last year I was dating I man I met online who turned out to be married. Yep, stupid me, I fell for the lies.
I somehow found out on facebook what his real name was and that he was married.
Today as I was using a messaging app I clicked on the find friends icon and up came his pseudo name he had been using (I have no idea how it traces contacts) and it looks like he's still active on it so he's probably still carrying on seeing other women.
I possibly did the wrong this and out of curiosity checked his fb account and looked at his wife's (yep, I know, another stupid thing to do). I felt so sad to see that she is posting happy photos of them etc.
I suddenly felt so sad (not about not seeing him) because I realised she's obviously oblivious to what he's doing and what he's doing behind her back.
I think she should know. I feel so sorry for her.

OP posts:
Pinkheart5915 · 25/03/2016 18:37

Just forget him and his wife and move on, it's not healthy for you to check Facebook accounts they have.
If you really didn't know he was married then you deserve better anyway

springscoming · 25/03/2016 18:40

Perhaps she does know.

GooseberryRoolz · 25/03/2016 18:42

Don't do anything.

VulcanWoman · 25/03/2016 18:42

Maybe she's carrying on behind his back too.

loveyoutothemoon · 25/03/2016 19:30

I'd tell her.

Joysmum · 25/03/2016 19:37

My answer always is yo put yourself in her shoes.

Would you like to know? If do, gather the evidence.

Original poster
E039 · 25/03/2016 20:13

When I found out he was married, telling his wife wasn't something I wanted to do but now with some time gone by and being given a reminder of his deceit I realised how much he is deceiving his wife and actually how utterly awful that is for her. From what she has put on Facebook I don't think she has any idea. I feel sad to not only think I was made a fool of but she is being taken for far worse. Having been on the receiving end I would hate to be her. I know what it feels like to find out that someone isn't who you thought they were.

OP posts:
GeorgeTheThird · 25/03/2016 20:17

An awful lot of what is put on Facebook is utter bollocks, remember.

Original poster
E039 · 25/03/2016 20:26

Yes you might be right but he admitted he was married and his wife didn't know so it's just wrong what he's doing and I wish I'd never been conned by him.

OP posts:
AugustinaDuBois · 25/03/2016 20:30

If I was the wife I would want to know.
If you do find a way to tell her, just remember, you are the messenger. Prepare to be shot

Sofiathefirst2016 · 25/03/2016 20:34

This sounds similar too the other thread posted the other day except you're being more polite. I think you'll get the same advice- you'll look a woman scorned. His wife probably knows of "you". Probably as a crazy lady. Men like that cover their tracks.

timelytess · 25/03/2016 20:34

Just let it go.
I've had a situation this week where I've had to distance myself from a married man who was far too fond of me. I feel miserable because he's an interesting, pleasant man whom I like, and because he's a 'nice' man but then of course, he can't be all that nice if he's telling me, with witnesses, how important I am to him, while he has a wife at home.
Not my circus, and he's yet another monkey who just isn't mine.
Don't tell the wife. She'll find out if she ever needs to.

springydaffs · 25/03/2016 20:42

Yeah, you'll get posters telling you you're unhealthy /don't get involved /blah blah. They're probably the same posters who reassured an op on here that a loud scream at the local canal at night is probably a fox /owl/rabbit/people mucking about Hmm

Fwiw I'd be calling 999/101 even if it were a fox etc. And I'd be telling the wife.

Original poster
E039 · 25/03/2016 20:46

I think I will just let it go now. I have no interest in him now. I think I just want to be sad at how some people are so deceitful and put the reminder behind me.

OP posts:
Pinkheart5915 · 25/03/2016 22:52

That is for the best I think.
You didn't know he was married and deserve better.
Think of yourself and move on don't give him another thought

springydaffs · 25/03/2016 23:06

But she's been giving the wife another thought. Isn't that the theme of this thread?

Pinkheart5915 · 25/03/2016 23:15

my point was that E039 needs to not think of either of them and move on, there are men that would respect and like to be with E039 I am sure.
Sometimes in life you need to be selfish and think of yourself, and I do not believe it healthy to look up an ex and his wife on Facebook.

For the record i didnt post on the loud scream thread

IreallyKNOWiamright · 25/03/2016 23:22

I would want to know. You didn't know he was married. Tell her and be grateful you got away!!

Valentine2 · 25/03/2016 23:34

To everyone who says that OP shouldn't do anything: is it safe for his wife to not know he could be shagging other women behind her back ? What if he gives her something? Whose fault would that be?
Tell her OP

GooseberryRoolz · 25/03/2016 23:37

It's a rare wife who believes the news if it comes from the (inadvertant in this case) OW.

It won't go well and OP will feel worse.

Valentine2 · 25/03/2016 23:39

Yes but she will surely be alarmed and it might help her in future.

LogicalThinking · 25/03/2016 23:44

Block them on facebook so you are not tempted to look again.
Keep out of this. It is absolutely none of your business.
Move on with your own like.

springydaffs · 26/03/2016 00:11

someone warned me once and, even though I didn't hear it at the time (actually, I didn't understand it) I was SO GRATEFUL later down the line that she had the courage to say it.

I'm not saying it's your job to say it op. But I don't think it's always the answer for everyone to do nothing. That's just a mad fucking world if everyone just sees to themselves.

babbinocaro · 26/03/2016 03:29

Wish someone had tipped me off - I found the evidence on line and in diaries (just lunches, appointments, coffees) years later. A colleague tried to let me know as she had spotted my OH in flirt mode in a local eatery a few times .. she wasn't specific about this just gently probed as to how thing's were between me and OH.... cant believe how naive I was and how contemptuous he was of our relationship. Maybe screen shot of his dating profile and send to her and then withdraw...

bitchingtwitching · 26/03/2016 07:29

If he gives his wife an STD, that will be his fault and is certainly not the responsibility of the OP! Hmm

Facebook posts don't mean anything. You don't know enough about their situation to judge how the news will be received

Swipe left for the next trending thread