Unrest at his dad's

[Sharpasknives]

My 12 year old seems to be locking horns with his dad when he stays there.hr is getting that he doesn't want to go. Younger brother still loves going (11)
Their dad is a lovely man and we had an amicable split 4 years ago, although my eldest does need sensitive handling, eg if he drops something on the floor, I will say, it'd help me if that went in the bin. He then does it. Dad will say pick that up. - no. Then the 12 year old gets the red mist.
I have spoken to his dad about how to speak to him, but the 12 year old says he's sarcastic to me and laughs at me when I get cross.
Any advice ?

Is your son special needs? If not I can't imagine the school deal with your son like that do they? If not and he's doing well there then it shows your son doesn't need to be dealt with as you are doing.

I think you're both in the wrong here.

If I dropped something and anyone said to me 'pick that up' it would irritate me, I've seen it fall give me a second. If I hadn't seen it fall ok but point it out to me i.e.: Did you notice you've dropped that? It's give me a chance to (a reply; oh thanks I did but I'm just going to finished this before I grab it, or (b Thanks no I didn't notice I'll get it or even well my hands are full at the minute do you mind.

But you saying 'it'd help me if that went in the bin' sets up the idea that he's doing you a favour, that it's your job to pick up after him. And no one is going to thank you for instilling that attitude.

It's all going to depend on the situation, is it dropping things accidental or deliberately or carelessly. Is it something that he's been spoken to about before?

I know some teenagers can be very blinkered and self absorbed but part of parenting to my mind is teaching them that the world doesn't revolve around them and their actions affect others.

Often boys entering teens can begin to clash with their dad's especially the oldest one. It's a time of adjustment. I'm sure your xdh will find ways to deal with it. If ye all lived together that would probably arise just the same. Don't get involved. Let them work it out between them

I agree with junebg.

Your son is probably trying to play the two of you off against each other. You are confident that your ex is a good dad so I think you need to back him up wholeheartedly and make it clear to your son that he can't manipulate you both.

If he is deliberately dropping rubbish on the floor and his dad tells him to pick it up, he needs to pick it up, regardless of how he is asked. He shouldn't be dropping it anywhere except the bin in the first place, the cheeky little so and so. If he throws a tantrum when he gets told to do something reasonable like that, laughing at him is not inappropriate.

I understand that you are handling him more diplomatically and without confrontation but he's not going to be able to get through the rest of his life and secondary education throwing strops when given reasonable instructions, without consequences.