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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My relationship's broken.

27 replies

DreamADream · 20/03/2016 16:56

I don't know how to fix it at all! I'm definitely wanting to fix it and not just walk away as I do love him. We've grown into very different people, I particularly have changed a lot.

DP has very little interest in things and doesn't have any interest in things I like to talk about. I've tried buying board games and things like that to try and get us talking, but he just won't even play them. We don't have a physical relationship at all, which is really important to me, even Cuddling and holding hands don't seem to happen much.

Are there any strategies or things like that that can help us go reconnect? I feel so lost with it all sometimes!

OP posts:

antimatter · 20/03/2016 16:59

I am not sure if yo u can fix something what's broken.
Have you told him you feel you both grew apart

Pinkheart5915 · 20/03/2016 17:03

How long have you been together? And how long has there been no physical relationship?

Original poster

DreamADream · 20/03/2016 17:04

No, I've not told him, but it's really obvious from both sides. I think it's the disinterest that gets me the most really, I've recently started a new job and was trying to tell him something about it the other day and was just told that it bores him and he's really not interested.

I know I can be a proper grumpy bugger and am quite prone to spending my evenings playing on my phone, but there's only so much inane tv I can cope with!

OP posts:

Original poster

DreamADream · 20/03/2016 17:07

We've been together 5 years, in the last 4 years we've had sex 4 times. He does have some anxiety issues atm, but refuses to accept them.

OP posts:

goddessofsmallthings · 20/03/2016 17:14

In what way does this relationship enhance your life?

As no-one can 'fix' a relationship without the active co-operation of the other party, your first step is to ask your dp whether he's willing to try to recapture whatever it was that drew you together in the first place.

Pinkheart5915 · 20/03/2016 17:20

Agree with goddessofsmallthings.

Both sides will need to put the time and effort in to save this realtionship.
Do you ever go out together for meals,drinks, walks, movies just to spend time together?
4 years is a long time of no physical relationship, and it's gone from no sex to hardly any cuddles or hand holding.
You need a big talk about your future together.

You might have to accept you can't save this relationship, you might of grown apart too much.

Original poster

DreamADream · 20/03/2016 17:27

We never spend time just the two of us any more tbh, we used to regularly, but in the last year I can count on one hand the amount of times we have done. That is something we've mentioned and said we need to sort a babysitter for, but there always seems to be other things cropping up. I did suggest counselling a while back, but he wasn't keen!

I guess you're right though, I can be as willing as I want for things to change, but it has to be a two way thing

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Joysmum · 20/03/2016 17:44

I totally agree with Goddess the first step is to raise the subject. I type this a lot but my strategy has always been the 'I love you so much but things could be better approach' to talking. Then express that you want things to be as good as they can be and what you'd like to be different. Then I leave it a few days and raise it again. It can be quite a shock to be on the receiving end of a talk so time to think with me smiling and reassuring I'm not mad or blaming, just wanting change is more productive.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 20/03/2016 17:58

He just sounds rude TBH. My DP's work isn't exactly fascinating to me (software!!) but I enjoy listening to tales from his day as it connects me to him when he's not here. He asks questions about my work and friends too, it's part of being in a partnership. For your H to shut you down by telling you it's boring is so out of order - it seems almost like he's trying to be so horrid that you will end things, so that he can blame you and not look like the bad guy.

I think the only way you will be able to fix things is to give him the shock of his life and end it. If he has any intention of fixing it, this might just give him the jolt he needs to buck up his ideas and get some counselling together, but you need to be prepared for the fact that he may well just agree to separate, which honestly sounds like the best thing for you, given the state of this relationship.

Original poster

DreamADream · 20/03/2016 18:17

joys that does sound a good way of approaching it thanks.

Mark I've thought about ending it many a time, I don't know how he would react tbh. I don't think he is intending to be rude, I really don't, we've just become very different. Well, he's still the same person as he was 5 years ago and I've changed massively. I do think he struggles with that a lot as a lot of the ways I've changed have made me pretty much the polar opposite of what I was.

I don't necessarily see it as a 'bad' relationship, it's just not what it should be and what I want if that makes sense?

OP posts:

Joysmum · 20/03/2016 19:09

I don't necessarily see it as a 'bad' relationship, it's just not what it should be and what I want if that makes sense?

That makes perfect sense.

These are certainly lots of people who advocate that all guns blazing spproach, but I married a good and kind man so my experience has been that we just find that we've lost our way a bit.

That's why I advocate my approach, if I'd married an arse or an abuser then I'd call it quits and not try to fix them as I didn't fair well in a previous bad relationship.

I think there's time enough in future to escalate things if you aren't getting anywhere. I can only think how I'd react if something were sprung on me in a confrontational way. I'd tell him to go fuck himself, even though I love him dearly, because I expect to be treated a certain way and will not tolerate anything less!

Original poster

DreamADream · 20/03/2016 20:19

We seem very similar! He seems to have turned a corner tonight and is very chatty! Will defo be having a talk very soon!

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Joysmum · 20/03/2016 20:43

Best of luck with it, hopefully a chat will be enough to get things going in the right direction without needing to play hardball.

goddessofsmallthings · 20/03/2016 20:51

I second Joys approach in matters of this nature as you'll always attract more flies with honey than vinegar.

CiaoVerona · 20/03/2016 20:53

If you've only had sex four times in the last four years you're heading toward being room-mates having ended up in something similar once I suggest you get out of this now unless you fancy no intimacy trust me at some point you'll become resentful......

I don't think its fixable ,you're only together five years and four of them you've no intimacy you sound like you're both different people it happens, we change the person we met is no longer the person we want too be with.

Original poster

DreamADream · 20/03/2016 21:54

We're already like roommates tbh, I've already gone thru the resentful stage and come out the other side. You could be right though, it could be totally unfixable. I just miss that spark really!

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Joysmum · 20/03/2016 22:06

It could be unfixable, it's worth giving it the best shot you can though. In my case we've been through some terrible things in the past, and come out the other side because we were willing to communicate, not hell bent on blame, and willing to change.

I hope you can find your way too Dream

Cabrinha · 20/03/2016 22:15

Something has gone very wrong if you've only had sex 4 times in 4 years, and that almost no sex situation happened after only a year of being together.
I know everyone has varying sex drives but that is very very low.

I'm about him actually telling you not to bother talking about your day at work because it's boring him! It's one thing to not be particularly communicative, but that's downright rude cutting you off and telling you he is bored!

CiaoVerona · 20/03/2016 22:19

Well, you can go back and forth on these things its not unusual for both parties too say we'll give this a go unless you figure out the why and both parties are honest and admit why its failed you'll find yourself back here shortly.

Be careful, you may find ten years pass's rather quickly as you go back and forth you'll find yourself banging your head against a wall..

I wonder though why you're willing to put more time into something that is fundamentally not meeting any of your needs, Id ask same question of him too.

It like you both admit its failing yet you don't seem to be able to fix it either being quite honest I think its sad. Like I said, I tried this the best thing we did was split up we're both so much better off.

Joysmum · 20/03/2016 22:28

Be careful, you may find ten years pass's rather quickly as you go back and forth you'll find yourself banging your head against a wall

Well said

Original poster

DreamADream · 21/03/2016 07:08

I think that's what I'm worried about, that suddenly we'll be 10 years down the line and nothing will have changed. I think half the reason I'm not actually more proactive is I've been in abusive relationships and this really isn't one, so I kind of feel like it's not that bad.

I'm rambling cos I'm still half awake!

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Cabrinha · 21/03/2016 07:21

Look, I know you haven't posted much so this is a big jump...
But as you've had abusive relationships in the past, are you sure that your bar is not just set way too low? He's better than them - but still rubbish?
He isn't affectionate.
He refuses your suggestions to try to address issues.
He outright tells you he's too bored to listen to your new job chat?
Why do you love him if you don't share interests, he doesn't care about protecting your relationship, and he calls you boring?

Original poster

DreamADream · 21/03/2016 08:02

Honestly I know how it sounds, but he isn't abusive. He didn't have the best of examples from his parents and I do often wonder if he's wired differently to others. He isn't abusive though, more lacking in any enthusiasm for anything!

Yes, my bar was set far too low years ago and in that time I've grown massively as a person. And yes, if I was single now and on the look out, he wouldn't be what I was looking for, but I do believe I owe it to us both to at least try to make it work. I'm very comfortable too, whilst things aren't great (read, are shit), we have a roof over our heads and are bumbling along relatively happy day to day.

OP posts:

Original poster

DreamADream · 25/03/2016 20:45

So I've finally managed to bring it up in the nice round about type way! It seemed to go quite well and he brought up somethings I'm not too great at either! I'm going to keep plugging away at it this weekend and fingers crossed things will start to work out!

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Hissy · 26/03/2016 07:51

Love, step away from the idea of abuse being the only kind of "be" relationship.

Your relationship is dead. Not broken, dead.

I'm sorry to be so blunt.

Does this situation you are in make you happy? No it doesn't!

Will he fundamentally change? No he won't.

This relationship was to show you that not all men abuse.

This is your first "safe" relationship where you learn that it's ok to disagree, OK to have your own thoughts, ideas, friends

The task that relationship was set, it's lesson for you has been learnt. It was time to move on when the sex dwindled.

You need the next lesson now. Clinging on to this dead in the water relationship is stopping you from finding the one you are supposed to be with.

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