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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Old maid !!

19 replies

onanotherday · 19/03/2016 08:32

My dc's are 13 &15 exh left 3 years ago...messy and lots of back and for. Big MH issues (his) but as a family my boys and I have kept it together. Virtually nc for a year. In that time I had a brief relationship but realised it wasn't working. But have been seeing someone for 6 months who is lovely. Kids like him but don't want him coming over ot his forbid stay over! I feel pulled both ways. Do I push it with kids or let him go?

OP posts:
DonkeyOaty · 19/03/2016 09:11

No don't impose him on your children, 6 months is very early days.

If he's a good man he'll accept your children's needs and wants.

Just do sleepovers with boyfriend when the children are at their Dad's?

Original poster
onanotherday · 19/03/2016 09:19

I agree but dad doesn't have kids ever and no other family. I suppose I'll just have to give up!

OP posts:
FlourishingMrs · 19/03/2016 09:26

No don't give up, teach your kids to think of you and your right to a relationship.. Can you afford a night sitter every so often so you could go to his?

SongBird16 · 19/03/2016 11:13

I don't think you should give up a good relationship to please your kids - they will be gone in a few years and you need to build a life for yourself.

Their dad has been gone for three years, and they're old enough to understand that you need adult company.

It would be different if they hated him but they don't, they like him, so you have something to work with. They just need time and patience to adjust IMO.

abbsismyhero · 19/03/2016 14:55

explain to the children they dont have the right to forbid anything they can have an opinion and you can respect that but them forbidding something suggests the lines between parent and friend may have become blurred a little

get a babysitter or arrange a sleepover for them at their friend's house so you can have some adult time

pocketsaviour · 19/03/2016 15:50

Kids like him but don't want him coming over

Have you asked them why, if they like him, they don't want to see him?

Is it possible they don't actually like him?

Or do they like him, but just go "ew no" at the realisation that you, their mum, is an adult woman who might like a physical relationship with a man!!

I had a bit of a struggle with my DS with that, similar age. I had to sit him down and talk to him and ask him what his fears were, and explain that it wasn't fair for him to expect me not to seek happiness because of his fears that I would give all my attention to a boyfriend and have nothing left for him.

At the end of the day you are an adult and you're entitled to seek happiness, as we all are. That doesn't mean you foist a "replacement dad" on your kids of course, but they must accept that you are a human being with needs of your own.

HormonalHeap · 19/03/2016 18:25

I would give him the challenge of backing off for now re the staying over issue, but meanwhile building such a great a relationship with your boys that they'll be begging him to stay.

If he's a keeper he'll rise to the challenge and if things do progress to the next level, it'll then be so much easier all round.

FrancisdeSales · 19/03/2016 20:47

I wouldn"t have him staying the night at your family home. There must be a way for you to have a night out, I don't think it means the end of your relationship. You also want to be with someone who is mature enough to see this from your kids perspective.

HeddaGarbled · 19/03/2016 21:08

Teenage boys will be totally grossed out at the thought of their mum having sex. Having sex in very close proximity to them, double gross.

Tough. They'll live.

You can sneak about for a bit longer if you can't face it yet (teenage boys should definitely go out for several hours on Saturday afternoons Wink). Or you can do what most sensible divorced people do and introduce your partner gradually and sensitively into your household.

Original poster
onanotherday · 20/03/2016 06:59

Thanks all. Yes have pulled right back. No over night stays now( he was one the sofa anyway!)

Just see if they warm up. They come first everytime..he is totally cool with that to.

OP posts:
donajimena · 20/03/2016 08:31

I just don't understand this kids come first ALL the time business. My eldest 13 didn't want me to have a boyfriend because he wanted it 'just us' which I totally get!
I prioritise my children most of the time but I do have a life of my own. Once he'd got his head around the idea he was absolutely fine but I did tread very carefully.

springydaffs · 20/03/2016 10:53

Imo you are insane to put them first EVERY time. They are 13 and 15. You have a life to live, you can't be a complete sop for them the entire time.

I may be a bit confused today but why did you call your thread 'old maid'? There is absolutely no need to be an old maid. You have a relationship on the boil yet you're knocking it on the head bcs of your young teen kids 'forbidding' it. Who's in charge here? You consider their feelings of course, but not to the extent of subsuming your life entirely in them.

Cabrinha · 20/03/2016 14:34

At 13 and 15 can't you leave them overnight occasionally?

goddessofsmallthings · 20/03/2016 18:11

As a previously married and now divorced mother of two you no longer qualify to be, or become, an 'old maid', OP.

If you're longing to enjoy overnights with him book a holiday for the 4 of you that has plenty of on site and nearby activities for teenagers as the chances are that they'll become more accepting of him sharing a bedroom with you at home if you have a prolonged period of 'family fun' away with them in their own separate room.

Choose an all-inclusive deal in a sunny part of the world, such as one of the Spanish Costas, as you won't feel that you're the Bank of England when it comes to forking out for your dcs snacks/ice creams/drinks/meals and give them the freedom to do their own thing with the proviso that they check in with you for lunch and/or the evening meal and last thing at night before they go to bed and you and your lover go in search of atmospheric local bars before retiring together. Wink

LineyReborn · 20/03/2016 18:15

I really don't think a 15 and 13 would be comfortable with a 'night sitter'. But it's it's a very difficult age for this kind of stuff, I know.

Cabrinha · 20/03/2016 21:10

No, I meant - do they need a night sitter?
I had my own flat at 16. Am I unrealistic to think they can just be left for occasional nights? (occasional for emotional well being, not because they can't cope!)

Cabrinha · 20/03/2016 21:12

But I agree with those who say they don't get to dictate. It's been 3 years, you're entitled to a life.

Marilynsbigsister · 21/03/2016 06:29

Absolutely not , to your DC's wishes coming first ! They are not toddlers whose dad left last week, one is old enough to leave home next year ! Time to step up and tell them what you will be doing with your life. If you want your partner of 6 months to stay over then tell them. If they don't like it they can make arrangements to spend the night with a friend/grandparent/relative.

Three years on your own, no help from dad, 6 month relationship.. You have done all you should have. Time they grew up and realised that the world does not revolve exclusively around them and that you have the right to an adult relationship.

wannabestressfree · 21/03/2016 06:36

We have six children between us and my partners children had been used to him being on his own. We just took Things really slowly (a year) before either of us consciously stayed over with them there.
We spent lots of time in each others and there company and let them get used to it.
Six years later we still Don't live together....it works for us.

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