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Relationships

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Original poster

I think I'll be calling off my wedding with just 8 weeks to go

21 replies

SweetInnocentAudrina · 13/03/2016 08:24

I know, deep down that I'm doing the wrong thing. After yet another argument last night I had a good chat with a close friend and I've realised I CAN cancel this wedding and it won't be the worst thing ever. People will get over it. But where do I start? Also we jointly own the house - how do I get around this one? Ideally i would like him to leave for a couple of months until I get my shit together and then I'll give him it back taking what I'm owned from it (about £10k) but I know he won't leave.

OP posts:

mamas12 · 13/03/2016 08:32

Very wise to do it now if you're sure as after the wedding it would be more problematical
You need to seek out some legal advice before you do anything.
Talk through your "plan" and see what they say about it, there cou,d be easier ways or things that you may not have co soldered and need to.

LIZS · 13/03/2016 08:37

Will your friend help you negotiate with him or take you in?

liger · 13/03/2016 08:42

Good on you for being brave enough to act on your feelings. It's the wise thing to do. I think legal advice is a good start. Keep
Putting one foot in front of the other and make it happen. Hopefully you will be surprised by how many friends and family will be supportive.

Hissy · 13/03/2016 08:43

You own the house, so that's safe. I think you will have to assume that you will be the one that has to leave.

It may be that he can't stand to stay, but you won't know until you ask.

You're doing the right thing love.

WifOfBif · 13/03/2016 08:44

It's much easier to cancel the wedding than to go through a divorce in a year or two. You are doing the right thing

whattodoforthebest2 · 13/03/2016 08:47

Youre doing the right thing by cancelling now and you're being very brave tackling it head on.

Do you have DC? If not is there somewhere else you could stay for a while while you sort things out? You need to have a chat with your partner and tell him you don't want to go ahead with the wedding and see if together you can cancel the arrangements you've made. Do you have a friend who can help you sort it out?

When you've spoken to him, write a list of all the things that need to be cancelled and work through them. Talk to someone in your family if you can and ask them to help notify the guests.

I'm sorry you're having to do this, but you're doing the right thing.

Lweji · 13/03/2016 08:47

So, you're happy for him to buy you off?

I'd just leave, then, and not expect him to move out for a while. Why would he?
I'd put my stuff in storage while I found somewhere else to live.

Sparklycat · 13/03/2016 08:50

If you're cancelling the wedding then you would have to be the one to leave the house, have you got arrangements in place? Make sure you have so you aren't homeless.

FaithLoveandHope · 13/03/2016 08:54

I think you're very brave for leaving. It's a really hard thing to do, I left 5 months before the wedding and that was really hard because I feared what people would say / think. But ultimately none of that matters and if you know in your heart it's not right then leaving now is easier than leaving once you're married. As others have said I think you have to assume you'll be the one moving out. Particularly as if you want him to have the house from his point of view why should he have to move out. Have you got anywhere else you can stay in the interim?

Costacoffeeplease · 13/03/2016 08:55

Of course you can cancel it - tell him, then make a list and start calling people

If you're calling it off I don't see why he would leave though, surely you'll be the one to move out?

SoupDragon · 13/03/2016 08:57

It's much easier to cancel the wedding than to go through a divorce in a year or two.

Absolutely.

I do think you need to be the one to leave the house though.

Good luck

bakeoffcake · 13/03/2016 08:59

I too think, as your cancelling, you should leave. Is there anyone you could stay with for a bit?

You've asked where do you start!,,

The house- You can insist you sell as soon as possible. Maybe speak to CAB?

The wedding- can you get a friend to phone all the wedding suppliers and cancel? Then send them a letter by post to confirm you are cancelling.

Good luck with everything.

JolseBaby · 13/03/2016 09:05

Well done. It's a brave step but the right one.

Talk to trusted friends and family. Start making a list of who needs to be notified (caterers, guests, venue etc.). Obviously no calling until you tell him, but they can be ready - to support you and be a shoulder to lean on.

Find somewhere else to live and see if family/friends have a garage you can keep your stuff in. If not then arrange a storage unit.

See a solicitor and have a quick run through of your legal position re: the house.

Once you have done 1-3 and got all your ducks in a row, then you tell him. Have a bag packed so that you can leave straightaway, then make arrangements with family/friends to return when he is out, to pack your things up until the house is sorted out.

firesidechat · 13/03/2016 09:12

If I've got the right person then I think the op has a teenage child living with her. If I'm wrong about that then I agree that the op should be the one to leave.

Op you may want him to leave, but he has every right to stay.

Jux · 13/03/2016 09:14

good luck and sorry your relationship hasn't worked out. Much better to stop it now, than years down the line when you have children too.

DoreenLethal · 13/03/2016 09:16

Not being funny OP but the only person that cares about a wedding is the bride and groom. Everyone else would rather no wedding if you aren't blissfully happy. So don't even pay them any mind.

Kr1stina · 13/03/2016 09:20

Your friends and family would not want you to marry a man who you are not happy with, especially if he treats you badly

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 13/03/2016 09:22

If it's not right then you are doing the right thing

If you were my friend I'd be really proud of you for making a very tough decision.

Legal advice about the house sounds like a good idea.

Pinkheart5915 · 13/03/2016 09:22

Good luck!

And good on you for deciding to cancel the wedding, rather than marry him and spend your life regretting it.
To cancel it call the venue inform them, then make a list of guests and start phoning around.
Your family and friends will just want to see you happy so will be fine about the cancelled wedding.
See a solicitor to find out your legal position on the house as soon as you can

If he won't leave are you able to stay with family/friends for a while?

lorelei9 · 13/03/2016 09:28

Anyone who cares about you will be fine with you cancelling the wedding. Anyone who doesn't care about you can fuck off, it's nothing to do with them.

House completely 50/50? Don't sell yourself short on your share, I know people who've done that because they think "well I'm the one who ended the relationship". I say take your legal share.

honeyroar · 13/03/2016 09:52

I had a wedding cancelled on me ten weeks before the wedding. I was devastated and humiliated at the time, but years on I am glad he did it and we didn't get married. It was just a very public split because the wedding invites had gone out.

First of all you need to find somewhere you could go, ev n if just for a few days. Then, out of respect for him, surely you next need to speak to him/tell him?

Then you need to contact the photographer/venue/caterer/cake maker/dress supplier etc. At this point you'll probably lose a good chunk of what you've paid, a lot of them have different tiers of deposit as the wedding approaches.

You also need to let your guests know. We sent a letter saying something like "unfortunately we have sadly decided to cancel the wedding. We are so very sorry for any inconvenience. Please allow us a little time to come to terms with this decision, it's very difficult for us. Thank you, and once again we're sorry." Not one of my guests said anything negative, all were very supportive and understanding, but also curious as to what happened and I felt that I had to discuss it with lots of people at a time when I just wanted to cry and lick my wounds.

Good luck OP. You will get through this. It sounds as though your friend agrees.

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