Letting off steam re in laws

[Ickythumpsmum]

I was watching something with DS1 (7) earlier where the mother in law didn't like the (potential) wife character. DS1 asked me if this was true in every family and I laughed and said why do you think that's what it's like between granny and I? He got all shy but said yes. I asked him what made him say that, and he told me he'd heard his granny and papa say mean things about me when they were talking on their iPad. He said they told him not to tell me. From what I can work out this happened at Christmas.

He didn't want to talk any more about it and I didn't want to upset him any more. He's only 7 and was not comfortable talking about this.

I can't push this because it was obviously upsetting for DS and why should he be in the centre of a disagreement, so I'm on here letting off steam instead.

They don't like me. No reason other than I'm just not their cup of tea, but I have definitely gone above and beyond for them. I thought we were at a point were we were could live and let live for the sake of my kids. Obviously not.

That's really shitty. Can your DH sort it out as regards your DS? Call them on it being a really shitty thing to do in front of him? Low contact from now on?

We live far away so we see them once or twice a year which previously I entered into without any fuss.
My DH wanted to ask them about this, but DS is worried they will be angry with him, after all they told him not to say anything.
DS is right. They will be angry with him, and they will probably say he's lying and while DS is not perfect, he was squirming when he was telling me and I just don't doubt him here. I just don't want to put him through any drama so will probably do nothing. But then that teaches him to be a door mat I suppose..... Bah.

I can understand you not wanting to drop him in it but their behaviour is appalling. Asking a child to lie for them, especially when that lie concerns their mother just goes to show the sort of people they are!

Your poor son, sounds like it has been playing on his mind!

You might want to let this go but what if they do it again?

My inlaws barely acknowledge me. In fact they disnt at all for about three years. This christmas my mil got me a nail care kit so slight improvement even if it would have only cost £7 if it wasnt for the 3 for 2 offer

anyway, if you only see them twice a year i wouldnt say anything as it will be horrible for your son.

I know Quite I'm really stuck. I know this will end badly for my DS if I pursue it. They will either call him a liar, or twist it in some way and he's just not going through that.

If they're going to treat your son like that, let alone behaving that way towards you, then they don't deserve to have a relationship with him.

calleigh mine would ignore me, but they want to have a relationship with my kids so I thought they were doing a good job of humouring me.
I was making the effort for my DH And the kids. I'm pretty sure I've done the wrong thing now.

I'm really surprised because I was sure MIL disliked me and FIL couldn't care either way, but according to DS it was FIL doing the slagging and MIL agreeing. Then MIL told DS to keep quiet.

I'm sure he's not lying because DS speaks a different dialect (actually language to be honest) to the inlaws, and the comments they made are not in DS natural way of speaking.

I don't quite understand the iPad thing. Was your son communicating with his grandparents via FaceTime or something similar using an iPad? And they said something rude about you while he was in conversation with them?

I agree that for your son's sake you can't confront them on this. But now you know that they can't be trusted not to slag you off in front of your son, there are things that you can do to protect both you and him from further occurrences.

Firstly, no more going above and beyond. Minimal civility only.

No more virtual communication with your son unless you or your husband are present, preferably your husband.

If/when you visit, no leaving your son with them without you or your husband being present, preferably both of you.

They cannot be trusted to behave decently in front of your son and therefore must take the consequences of that which will be no unsupervised contact with him.

Hedda the iPad thing will out me but right now I don't care. They were staying with us for Christmas. They have this habit of Skyping people whenever they want regardless of what's going on around them. After they skyped another relative at 7am while I was looking shocking, in my pjs, hair all wild and feeding three kids breakfast and put the camera on me I asked them not to Skype around me like that again. It wasn't a relative I have a friendly relationship with. I waited till after the phone call and spoke politely and privately with MIL explaining that I just didn't like Skype and it wasn't for me.
They didn't stop Skyping people, even though DH asked a few more times.
They made the comments while Skyping BIL who really dislikes me.

Maybe no contact is the way to go? They sound thoroughly unpleasant.

Star I wish, but my DH loves them. DS1 went off them after the last visit, now I understand why. No chance for no contact as DH couldn't / wouldn't want to. He wouldn't expect me to visit them or do anything without him there though.

I would tell the ILWS that you know what went on and believe DS, and if they ever try to make DS keep a secret from you again or show/voice any anger or reprimand DS for telling you, you will ensure that you and DS will go no contact ever again. They are toxic.

The most concerning thing here is that you know they'd treat your SEVEN year old that way and expect him to lie for them. Neither of those is remotely acceptable and I think you owe it to him to call them out for both of those things. Fuck their reaction, they're cunts. DS needs to see that being treated that way isn't acceptable.