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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Money and lies

24 replies

Justjust811 · 09/03/2016 08:53

I'm confused here, my h has a new well paid job, we had some money in a drawer at home and since he was waiting for his pay he took £600 out, he hasn't put it back yet and he says he would pay it off his credit card which he hasn't. He said to me well I've had my car repairs spent money on shopping and quite a lot on alcohol, I saw his bank statement says over drawn, then his pay came in I honestly don't get this where this money has gone. He spends normal amounts on shopping, booze, car every week so why has this 600 randomly vanished? He has lied about money before too saying he paid off credit card when he actually doubled the amount!

OP posts:

ficklefuck · 09/03/2016 08:59

Gambling?
Drugs?
Prostitutes?

...he's booked a surprise for you? (clutches at straws)

You really need to ask him outright, with bank / credit card statements in your hand.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 09/03/2016 09:10

I don't think it's unusual for people to have really good intentions about their first higher pay (or first pay in a while) and then not actually pay anything off/buy what they needed etc until the second pay. It can be easy to get carried away with what you'll do with that first money, I think.

That said, if he owes you money he should have prioritised paying that back, and you should trust him to be honest about where his money is going and when you'll be repaid if you're lending him money. If that trust isn't there, you can't lend him money. Actually, if he's not trustworthy with money, I'd be separating finances as much as possible to protect myself.

Original poster

Justjust811 · 09/03/2016 09:11

I've posted before about catching him viewing prostitutes that was a while ago but he recently changed our internet settings to view adult dating (different thread just a little info) I've already confronted him he just says he never put the money in the bank spent it on days out with kids, booze, shopping. I'm unsure if he's just absolutely terrible with money or he's hiding something. There isn't really any time he could visit a prostitute tbh he never goes out! I'm confused, bit peed off too as we needed that money

OP posts:

Original poster

Justjust811 · 09/03/2016 09:13

He had been receiving weekly pay in last job so had to wait 3 weeks but I told him to pay that money off his credit card but now it's gone missing, and he told me he hadn't been over drawn for a year which he was 2 weeks ago..

OP posts:

ficklefuck · 09/03/2016 09:20

So he drinks too much and goes online to look at prostitutes and dating sites? He lies to you and owes you money?

Can I ask, does he have any redeeming features?

Original poster

Justjust811 · 09/03/2016 09:35

He doesn't drink too much, we both get a night off a week where we have a few drinks together at home, not a huge amount a few bottles of nice wine id only say around £30? He has lied in the past yes, it's our money not just mine but we were saving it for moving house. He hasn't looked at dating sites just escort sites a while back. (That comes under adult dating in our settings) we have had a terrible time in our relationship lately but have just started getting on really well, I enjoy his company.

OP posts:

VulcanWoman · 09/03/2016 09:51

You could do with getting your own bank account.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/03/2016 09:53

Why is your own relationship bar so very low?.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.

He has lied to you before and continues to do so now.

Original poster

Justjust811 · 09/03/2016 09:54

I have got my own bank account, the money was off a relative I kept in my drawer as we needed it in cash

OP posts:

Original poster

Justjust811 · 09/03/2016 09:55

Learn about relationships while growing up? Unfortunately it's not as easy as to just walk away we are moving next week and we are married and have children

OP posts:

ficklefuck · 09/03/2016 09:59

It isn't easy to walk away, no.

But it is doable.

I did it. You can too, if you want to. Do you want to?

Original poster

Justjust811 · 09/03/2016 10:07

No I don't want to, I just want him to stop lying!

OP posts:

VulcanWoman · 09/03/2016 10:10

You can't control other peoples actions, only your own, I've learnt this lesson the hard way, we've got to try and learn from the lessons in our lives.

ficklefuck · 09/03/2016 10:19

He won't stop lying. He is a liar.

Isetan · 09/03/2016 11:33

As you're finding out, living with a feckless liar is very hard and always waiting for the next lying and/ or fecklessness episode, is even harder. You have choices, either accept who he is and manage/separate your finances accordingly or get out before he gets worse - handwringing isn't a sustainable option.

Toomuchinfo1 · 09/03/2016 11:37

I learnt in my last relationship that if there are lies, then there pretty much is no relationship. I don't want to sound negative (although I am in quite a negative place atm), but I do tend to think that 'once a liar, always a liar' . . .to some people It just comes naturally - just rolls off the tongue.

I hope you are ok, and that you can find a way to either make it work, or walk away. I agree its not easy. I found it hard enough to walk away with no marriage, kids or house!

xxx

ficklefuck · 09/03/2016 11:42

...even if he does genuinely stop lying (doubtful) - how would you ever be able to trust a word that comes out of his mouth again?

This is no way to live, OP. Agree with PP, there is no relationship with a liar.

And as PP said, you have two choices...suck it up and continue to be miserable, or get the fuck out of there so you don't have to deal with his shit anymore.

I'm exhausted just thinking about living / being with this guy.

achillesratty · 09/03/2016 14:15

He won't stop lying and he won't change, why should he ? He gets to do whatever he wants and you accept it.

XanderHarris · 09/03/2016 14:22

You've previously caught him looking at escort sites and now a large sum of money has gone missing and has before too. You know he lies to you. That's your answer isn't it? Where else do you think it's gone? Why would he look at escort sites if he wasn't going to use them? If he has a mobile phone contract you know he can just use his mobile data to look at things he doesn't want you to see?

Original poster

Justjust811 · 09/03/2016 22:38

I checked his bank on his phone app thing and it actually showed he put the money in nothing has been withdrawn he is just terrible with money, he hasn't spent it on himself but all of us, I honestly don't get how he can be so stupid with money, if I don't have money I don't spend it, he does! He does tell little lies though, lies about porn use etc it's strange because I'm not too bothered about porn never have been but he lies, maybe he's embarrassed?

OP posts:

Standingonmytippytoes · 09/03/2016 22:48

2 words: incognito browsing.
It would allow him to look at sites without you knowing.

Original poster

Justjust811 · 09/03/2016 22:52

I know there's lots of ways he can do this, private browsers etc but I did say I would move on after that time I found him, that was a long time ago and I've never Seen anything since just porn.

OP posts:

ficklefuck · 10/03/2016 09:17

Seems to me you just want to defend him, so I am not sure why you are posting?

Toomuchinfo1 · 10/03/2016 09:25

This isn't meant to be offensive - but are you ok being in a relationship where you feel the need to keep checking your husbands phone?

the reason I ask is because I have just ended my relationship, with this being one of the main reasons - and the relief is amazing. it feels like a weight has been lifted.

I hope you are ok x

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