So tired of my exercise obsessed OH

[babbinocaro]

He lives for exercise, then work, then food, then DS then me... in fact forget the me. I am just there to be mum to our DS both of whom have had health and anxiety issues which are not helped by the situation I fear. He also likes helping other people who are exercising, training. With my family he is Mr Nice but he despises them as they are "fat"...although he does enjoy the female attention. He tells me he gets up early - before 6am - to exercise so it doesn't affect the family and gets home most evenings after 6.30, eats, texts and tweets and goes to bed at 8.30pm. It is not negotiable - he asked me tonight why I hadn't ironed his shirts for work? He helped prepare tea after getting his 5 hours of exercise in and a few hours of sport on tv. I think he is pretty happy with the situation, his training schedule and having me to do the rest -feel he lacks any regard for me, authentic care or kindness.

Tell him to iron his own shirts. Cheeky git.

He should be helping you and taking care of dcs when he gets home. That's bs. He should keep his exercise for only a few times a week.

Do you do anything together as a couple/family? What about weekends?

Does he need to exercise for his job? 5 hours a day seems excessive tbh bordering on the unhealthy.

There is no way there is time to be a decent husband and father whilst working ft and exercising for five hours each day.

Ask him to cut it down and not to criticise your family then see what he does

He sounds obsessive, boring and mean. What are you getting from this relationship?

The trigger for my colleague leaving her husband was him signing up for yet another iron man after he had promised he would only go for shorter races from then on so that they could have even a tiny bit of family time together

When do you get time to please yourself op?

He lives for exercise, then work, then food, then DS then me...

How long are you prepared to put up with being married to a man who puts you so low on his list? What do you get out of the relationship? Was he always like this?

My H is the same. Totally obsessed with exercise. He does triathlons and ironmans and is constantly working out speed times, diets, calories burnt etc. it's so fucking boring. I think it's his way of not having to emotionally partake in our marriage.

Nothing wrong with being exercise obsessed if it doesn't impact anyone else's life but its clearly unfair that he is hogging all the me time and you have none at all.

Can you have a straight talk with him?

This post totally resonated with me.
One of the above posters was right, I think they kind of use the exercise to stop emotionally and physically in the family dynamic.
It happened to me and my children. Husband obsessed with running (originally went with children) then found out he was good at it which triggered his compulsion.
Started an affair with someone from our running club and the rest is history. Now lives with her and neglects his children (obviously a lot more to it!)
Your husband cannot be dedicating his time and effort into family life with that level of obsession simply and I would not be happy with that situation.
I think you need to speak to him and ask him why it's so important to dedicate so much of his life to exercise and not his family.

It'd be great to be able to spend that kind of time on exercise and generally doing whatever you want. I'd love to be that fit and carefree! Unfortunately, as a woman, it would be very unlikely that I'd be able to find a man who would be willing to act as my housekeeper and babysitter, like you do for your husband.

I left my fiancé years ago because of this. He became obsessed with ultra marathon running and it took up every moment of his spare time.
The crunch point came when we were supposed to be away for a week camping. We got to the venue, he'd chosen it because there was a race there. I spent the entire day in the pissing rain waiting for him to come off the hills, then he announced we'd now need to go home as he'd used all his vacation days. On running.

Definitely time for an honest conversation with the focus being on the fact that he doesn't engage with the family or you rather than honing in on the exercise issue. Ultimately it doesn't matter whether it's exercise, a hobby or even being a workaholic which detracts from family life, it's the lack of engagement with you and the DC and the selfishness of devoting so much time to something which only benefits him that's the problem here and the lack of involvement in family life and time spent with the people he's supposed to love you need to highlight. If exercise has become something of an obsession with him (and it sounds like it has) then pointing out what he's missing out on by not spending time with his family and the inequality in what you both do towards the running of your home and parenting of your children is less likely to make him instantly protective of his obsession and more likely to accept that his (and as a result your) life balance is out of whack. I would give him time to digest the initial conversation where you broach the fact that it's a problem and then start making some suggestions about changes you'd like him to make. Ignore the fact that he will have to give up exercise time when you make your suggestions and if he mentions the time he will lose for exercise steer him back to the things you will all gain by him being more involved in family life. He will protect what he sees as his 'need' to exercise at all costs if you make it about him 'giving up' the time he spends on it so make it about improvements in the balance of life for all of you instead. If that doesn't work you may have to take a more forceful approach but it's worth a try as a first step, it may have crept up on him just how obsessed he's become with exercise. Ultimately though something needs to change, you may as well be a single parent and have one less person to look after as carry on with someone who has so little time for you or your children.

I agree with you Fern but I also think that your proposed initial 'softly softly' approach seems a little too indulgent

Worth a try though, before plan B, ie shape up or ship out you selfish bastard

Endurance exercise can be addictive, but he is choosing to service and perpetuate his addiction, perhaps he's not really 'family man' material.
But obviating quite happy to trick someone into being his servant

He sounds like a prince ! How long have you been together /putting up with him for ?

Do you work or get out of the house at all ?

I would have gone mad by now

I agree about exercise being addictive I used to be part if that community in different sports , I split up with a long term bf because he wouldn't go on holiday with me, it had to be as a group doing a particular sport.

I'm married to a much less selfish man now and we have our own hobbies and make time for each other too.

Maybe it is indulgent suzanne, a lot depends on what outcome the OP is looking for I think. If exercise really has become an obsession/addiction and OP wants him to realise that then softly softly is probably a good place to start. I would definitely be keeping Plan B in reserve though, I couldn't be that far down my OH's priority list and I don't think OP should put up with it.

I think we need more info from the OP!

I agree with an above poster, he needs to decide whether he's 'family man' material otherwise you're just indulging him having his cake and eat it. You and your children deserve so much more, he's selfish.

He has become like this over the years gradually increasing the amount of time he spends and also what he spends on it

We rarely do anything as a couple and/or family. He makes a big fuss and splashes the cash sometimes on two DS - they normally do things I am not interested in - I stay at home and do the housework, read, bake. I think he operates from guilt sometimes with my DS.

My DP and I had a mighty row over "exercise" before. DP is away all week and comes home on the weekends he can to visit DS and I AND spend time as a family. We don't live together iyswim.

Anyway. DP started getting up at 6am on both Saturday and Sunday meaning when DS woke at his usual break of dawn hours it was I who had been doing it all week plus now weekends rising early and missing my previously arranged Saturday morning lay in. Well after the 3rd week, I'll be honest, enough was enough. I approached the subject with the grace of a bull in a China shop, I just said it. " Your being selfish running on both days, where is my agreed rest rest day gone, your so inconsiderate, your being selfish" or something along those lines....needless to say I now get a lay in most Saturdays if there are no family plans.

Can you be direct about it do you think? Just call him out on it?

I'll also mention I work a 40hour week with a hefty commute and a 1 year old, so I felt I was "allowed" one day of rest/I needed it

I'm SAHM and I still get one lie in a week on a Sunday!