New low even for my Mother

[IgiveupIreallydo]

Have NC'd for this, as could be identifying.

Been out of contact with DM and DSis for some time.

Received letter from DM today to tell me DSis wishes me to know that I almost SUCCEEDED in KILLING DSis when DSis decided to go and walk in front of the traffic on a busy main road some years ago.

Given that I had not had any contact with her or DM in the months preceding the incident and was not informed of the incident until some months later, am I being unreasonable in being SEVERELY FUCKING ANGRY at this coming now?

Please can anyone tell me if they've ever been accused of driving someone to the brink of suicide and how you dealt with it?

I am in shock.

You have every reason to be angry but you do realise that your mother is doing this deliberately to provoke you into getting into contact again, don't you? She's trying to hoover you back in.

The best thing to do is to ignore her. It'll drive her barmy.

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

Think about how low she is stooping to try and get a reaction from you. Rise above it.

Fucking hell.

Well, the first thing to focus on is that you haven't done anything, you have played no part in your sister's decision to endanger herself, you have been neutral and uninvolved, and your M is only telling you this to hurt you/displace the guilt she feels herself.

The second thing to focus on is that this is complete confirmation of your decision to go NC and you must continue to be NC for your own health.

They are trying to drag you back into their toxic melodrama and the only thing to do is do nothing. Your sister is responsible for seeking help for herself. What comes across in the letter is huge and terrible anger towards you and a dreadful attempt at manipulation.

You haven't driven your sister to anything. You have done nothing, you have removed yourself from harm and they are angry. It's just an angry letter attempting to control how you feel.

I haven't experienced this but perhaps the only thing is to stay firm, hold your resolve, don't respond, don't let them inside your head. They have no right to that and no right to try to poison you emotionally.

Thanks all for your responses.

I will not be dignifying that by attempting to respond to M's letter.

She also informs me that she is in contact with parents of man who is to become my husband next week.

MIL has her own severe MH issues.

PIL's have not let on to me that they are in contact, as they know I am NC with my mother. I am deeply unhappy that I didn't know about this.

M now knows I miscarried at Christmas. I didn't want her to know this.

How do I protect myself and MIL without upsetting MIL and coming across like I am trying to control her contact with her? How do I ask MIL not to discuss me and DH with my mother? He will be fairly upset when he finds out also. Don't want to rock the boat with PIL's, but need to nip this in the bud for everyone's sake.

Feel a bit betrayed and also like I am totally unreasonable because she can, after all, see whoever she wants to.

Get your husband on board to get his parents to show some fucking loyalty to him, as your husband, as well as them, by breaking off contact. But do it through your husband.

She also informs me that she is in contact with parents of man who is to become my husband next week

PIL's have not let on to me that they are in contact

Is the fact that you mother knows about the miscarriage proof that your PILs told her or do you think that she's lying about the above and has found out some other way?

Have you had some counselling about this OP because I think it might do some good. You need help in detaching from her because it's going to make you ill.

This is all part of their hoovering behaviour designed to suck you right back in there. Am glad to read that you have not fallen for this attempt at manipulation.

Radio silence from you needs to be maintained.

I would get your H to be to deal with and speak to his mother. Is any form of contact with your PILs actually worth having though?. They seem to be the "flying monkeys" here. I would also consider going low contact with them if you are not already doing that. At the very least I would lessen all forms of contact with them from now on, they cannot be fully relied upon either.

I would also suggest you speak with a therapist and preferably also one who has no bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment. These people though are like shoes, you need to find someone who fits.

Absolutely outrageously blatant attempt to suck you back in. Total silence on your part will drive them crazy - this is definitely your best policy with regards to your own family.

Re: PILs - you need your H to be on board here. Can he explain to his parents that you don't see your DM & DSis (he doesn't need to say more than that) and you both do not want any information passed on to them. Their loyalty should be to him and his wife - he needs to find a way to impress this upon them.

How LC can you do with PILs? If they don't know what is happening in your life, there will be nothing to pass on.

Totally agree with everyone who suggests I may need to see a therapist. Been on the cards for some time and has been brought home by how upset at the accusation I am.

Father knows about MC. Lives with mother and sister but says to me they are living separate lives and is looking for another house. Not sure I believe this but can't see him divulging as works generally on a need to know basis.

DH is going to be a problem as very close to PIL's. I love them too and always feel better after seeing them, which is why this is smarting a lot.

Cabrinha, I think you may be right, although DH and I are going to have to have a very serious talk tonight about the way forward. He has been great at disengaging himself from the ongoing saga ( it's been years and he is bored of it, as am I) but think perhaps he will need to put his big boy pants on for this one. I don't feel I can take it up with PIL's myself