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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just want to vent

22 replies

Mamaka · 28/02/2016 16:21

My dh is so fricking lazy, he is in bed right now watching films because he wants some "alone time" which he says he's entitled to. If I tried the same thing I know how it would go down. He would do his best to get me up, stomp around all day and take his frustration out on the kids (and in the end I'd take over because I don't want them to be treated like that) or he'd disappear to his mum's so she could look after them. Wtf is wrong with him? When will he grow up? Why oh why did I choose to marry an entitled selfish prick with no thought for anyone but himself??

OP posts:

Oysterbabe · 28/02/2016 16:33

You may have chosen to marry him but you don't have to choose to stay married to him.

Original poster

Mamaka · 28/02/2016 16:38

I know. I know it's my choice to stay and put up with this every day. Will he grow up ever? Are there really men out there who take their role as husband and father seriously?

OP posts:

RudeElf · 28/02/2016 16:38

Wtf is wrong with him?

Lazy

when will he grow up?

Probably never.

What are you going you going to do?

Deletetheheat · 28/02/2016 16:43

Yes I've known men who do eventually grow up, actually. My own dh as it happens!

I know several who haven't as well.

What is he like in general? What is your relationship like? How often does he do this? Is he respectful and kind in most or any other ways??

Original poster

Mamaka · 28/02/2016 16:45

Don't really know what I'm going to do. Today my approach has been to question him as to why he feels he can dip in and out of family life as and when he feels like it. His reply is, this is normal, your reaction isn't normal. And you get every Thursday to yourself...which is true, but I use it to catch up on chores/paying bills/general household shite which nobody else is going to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mamaka · 28/02/2016 16:48

Deletetheheat, I'm happy to hear that! Was it something you did or did he grow up of his own accord? Our relationship is difficult in many different ways but he only really does this every couple of months ie want to laze around while I carry on holding everything together. Unless he has college work to do, and I have to accommodate for that too. He can be kind yes. When he feels like it.

OP posts:

VulcanWoman · 28/02/2016 17:00

I know I'm grasping at straws here, could he be an introvert, still no excuse for not pulling weight though.

Original poster

Mamaka · 28/02/2016 17:06

He is an introvert yes! I have only really found out just how introverted he is since living together. But surely when you start a family your personality type and thinking that life is all about your needs has to be sidelined for a bit?!

OP posts:

RudeElf · 28/02/2016 17:09

Being an introvert and needing alone time is fine (i am one and do this often) however stropping and sabotaging when your partner wants to do the same is not fine. As an introvert i find it easier to plan my downtime. Its ok to need it, its not ok for it to take precedent over your responsibilities and impact negatively on your family.

Original poster

Mamaka · 28/02/2016 17:22

I did actually ask him to plan his downtime in the future just before I posted this thread and he said ok. So maybe in this instance I'm being a little unfair to him. Still, felt like I needed to vent as he sulks after these arguments and I know that's it now for nice happy family time for the rest of the day. Either I let him do exactly as he likes or he strops (ie I pay for it). More childish than our 2 year old!

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VulcanWoman · 28/02/2016 17:26

Yes, sounds like he's not being very mature about the fact he needs to pull his weight and also make sure you have down time too.
My ex was a bit like this, it was like there was only so much he could give, we get on great now but I've had to do most of the raising of our Son.

MoreGilmoreGirls · 28/02/2016 17:30

How old is he OP? To be honest he's hardly going to change his attitude while he's allowed to continue. I'd be having serious words after the kids are in bed. And no not all men are like this thank goodness

Lostandlonely1979 · 28/02/2016 18:08

RudeElf is absolutely right. Everyone's different but we must make sure these differences don't cause unnecessary friction and get in the way of our responsibilities. For example, I love going offshore jetskiing then downing shots of tequila in a fancy cocktail bar until dawn breaks (yep, that used to be my average Saturday!), but having two kids under 5 years old puts those plans very much on the back burner - for now... ;)

As you've seen from my other post, I am in a similar situation to you and it's beyond frustrating. If he doesn't sound like he's going to make any efforts at all to change (and he might one he realises just how unhappy you are), then you're probably better off without him.

Original poster

Mamaka · 28/02/2016 18:23

I went up and woke him as dinner was ready (feels like I'm looking after a geriatric/toddler) and he came down, sat with us to eat, did not utter one word and got up as soon as he'd finished eating to go back upstairs. I followed him up (trying hard not to be a dick in front of kids) and demanded he come back down as today is only day we will eat together, he needs to spend time with kids etc. He point blank refused until I said if he doesn't want to be here he can leave and not come back. Finally came back down, still sulking, sat with us a few more mins then when everyone had finished he swiftly disappeared again.
Absolutel twat. I'm fuming. How can I address this with him and be heard? Need help wording things etc.
We're both nearly 30.

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RudeElf · 28/02/2016 18:35

Arrghh! Hes a knob. Hes opting out of family life. Not okay at all.

I'm short tempered and would have cracked long before now in your shoes so my offer for him to leave would be serious. Did you mean it when you said it?

Original poster

Mamaka · 28/02/2016 18:38

I've said it before and yes I do mean it, in that if he chose to leave I would feel relieved. I however won't leave as I don't want to be responsible for it. Whenever I say it he gets all flustered and bucks up his ideas for a few days.

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RudeElf · 28/02/2016 18:44

Ok so tell him now he has a choice to make, either he leaves and its done between you or he sits down tonight (after DC in bed) and listens to you, properly listens without becoming defensive and actually comes up with his own solution to this problem, not you telling him what needs to happen, you arent his parent or boss, he has to get there himself and be active in sorting the resolution. You give him the choice (leave or stay and sort it for once and for all) but he has to actually be active in fixing it and putting his suggestions to you for discussion.

Original poster

Mamaka · 28/02/2016 18:47

Ok, helpful with how to word it, thanks. Wish me luck.

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RudeElf · 28/02/2016 18:51

Good luck. Why dont you take some alone time for yourself before you go to speak to him and gather your thoughts. Give yourself a chance to be sure of what you want and what you want to say and what outcome you would ideally like. Be prepared that there are maybe things he thinks you could do differently to.

Original poster

Mamaka · 28/02/2016 21:29

I couldn't face the conversation that would inevitably become a fight :( so opted for walk around the block and called a friend instead.

OP posts:

RudeElf · 28/02/2016 21:39

Well thats a good choice if you knew it would become a fight. The purpose of talking to him is to resolve the issue but fighting isnt resolving so no point even trying if you know it will go that way. Well done for making a smart choice. There is always tomorrow or next weekend if you need time to build up to it.

Original poster

Mamaka · 28/02/2016 22:10

Thanks RudeElf :) I actually came back from my walk ready to talk so had a go at putting it to him as you'd suggested. He made it clear that he does not want to leave nor does he want me to, he said we have to be prepared that sometimes we will lapse into our old ways (we have been trying to improve things for a while and have had one counselling session and awaiting second) and every time something goes wrong we don't have to jump to talking about leaving. Not sure how I feel about that, he seems to be downplaying his part in what happened today...but anyway I asked him for suggestions for solving the problem and he said next time either of us want some time to ourselves we should book it in with the other, with at least 3 days notice. He also said next time he felt tired/stressed he would tell me how he felt rather than just disappearing to bed. I have my doubts about him sticking to that one. I felt happy that he was actually engaging in the conversation and putting forward suggestions but now in reflection feel like a bit of a mug! He's got away with it!

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