Husbands a bully

[Heatherjayne1972]

Long story short husband and I parted company 18 months ago. He always was controlling and selfish but never violent until we split up . Ended up getting a non- molestation order against him which has now run out I have custody of the kids because he didn't come to court I've been in the house with the kids and we are selling up I'm moving on and he thinks he can swoop in and take whatever he likes I'm not bothered about tables and chairs and other things I can replace but he thinks he can just take my daughter.! He writes me aggressive letters which tell me 'what's going to happen' I'm going to see a solicitor soon but my daughter is 13 and wants to go with him My question is this how do I stand up to such a bully? How do I physically stop him taking my daughter ( he doesn't seem to want his other kids ). I feel so weak and pathetic sorry just wanted to get it all out

Seems like the house being the last thing he has any control over so he is flexing his muscles.

If he is trying to take your daughter or anything else by force then phone the police.

How long until you see your solicitor?

Are you concerned with your daughters welfare if she goes with him?

Yes if she goes with him he won't look after her properly he is very likely to treat her like a flatmate late nights/ alcohol / no school or homework if she doesn't want to and that's before his questionable friends Thing is she wants to go- those things look attractive to a child But I truly think she be better with me. I'm booking a solicitor appointment this week he has no money he already said he is waiting till he gets the house money

Can you apply for a child arrangements order? That will set out where she is to live

No wonder she wants to go! Is this causing friction between you and your daughter? How old are your other children?

Best bet is seeing a solicitor to see where you stand legally - but if he comes over and is aggressive in any way then call the police. If the house is still in joint names then I'm not sure where you stand legally.

You say he has no money. Could he be planning to claim benefits if your daughter goes to live with him? Would expect something like that with such a loser.

Good point pallas. The trouble is, at 13 most people are starting to give their DCs more choice about where they spend their time.

Could you sit down with her and have a talk about it calmly, explaining that you understand why it seems like the most attractive option but that she needs some stability etc. and perhaps try to persuade her that 50/50 would work well for her, or weekends with him, weekdays with you so that you can at least make sure she is concentrating on school during the week.

You can't really stop her from living with her dad if that's what they both want, regardless of who you think is the better parent, but hopefully if she gets to experience both households she will realise that she was better off with you.

As far as I know he isn't planning to go on benefits he works but is in debt You see he's planning to rent somewhere ( my Dd has told me this) with the proceeds from the house sale the other children are 6 and 8. They staying with me no question

I know a lot of people will disagree with me but they might not have had and survived an abusive controlling narcissistic x like I did but can you ask your daughter in a calm moment why she thinks he wants just her and not his other children? ask her if she thinks that would confuse the other children?
then tell your dd if she really wants to go to your x's she can do that.
Would she bee able to get a bus/train home herself?

he wouldn't get much CA for one child but he wants the child who is the least work I take it?

He is controlling abusive and manipulative. She can't see it. He most likely will have been bad mouthing me at every opportunity ( he sees her weekly at present) Telling her how great it will be with him etc etc Yeah there's a bus but I can go fetch her it's not far

Do you think he would be interested in her if it didn't bother you so much?

That's a good question iamdobby. I don't know. I decided after numerous aggressive letters calls texts and face to face conversations that no contact was the only answer. He isn't like a normal person he won't discuss/ compromise he 'tells you what's going to happen' So he thinks he's 'told me 'and is expecting me to go along with his plans I don't think he's that worried about my feelings on the subject - in fact he probably hasn't even thought I might object

"He always was controlling and selfish but never violent until we split up"

Did she witness any of this? Does she know you had to take out a non-mol against him? Does she know that he couldn't be arsed to appear in court when it came to it? Could you renew this non-mol? He's not likely to have changed his spots. They never do.

It's likely that he intends to replace you, who he cannot control and threaten much any longer, with her. That's going to be a truly terrible position for her to be in.

Good call about asking her why she thinks he wants her only and not her siblings.

What a bastard he is!

My sister insisted on going with our father when my parents split as he and his ow were offering all sorts of bribes and promises to her. Was like a wonderland to a child. She was a bit younger but same principle. My mother felt weak and bullied and bereft by the whole thing and didn't know how to say no to a child who was saying she didn't want to stay with her. My sister ended up going through another horrible divorce when father and ow inevitably split and then neither of them particularly wanted her around - and is pretty fucked up by the whole thing. In hindsight I think she wishes my mum has dug her heels in and said 'tough shit darling, you are a child and you are staying with me and you sister until you are old enough to make your own decision based on ALL the facts' or something similar. My mother also wishes she had done this. Just highlighting her 'mistake' so maybe you can avoid it. Best of luck with it. And make sure you have lots of back up from friends, family, professionals - whatever - as he sounds like a fucking bully.

Oh yes bitter when we split he insisted on bringing her into the arguments even though everyone told him not to. She has seen and heard so much violence and aggression and yes she is fully aware that he didn't come to court to sort the custody last year . I don't know if the non mol can be re started I suppose it can. I don't have much faith in the police and cps system tbh as the police took a week to turn up after he punched me and he broke the non mol - it went to court and was found not guilty and the judge told him he was still allowed to come into the house.

A week? That's disgusting. I'm so sorry you are going through this. How long until the house is sorted?

House is up for sale. Just waiting for a buyer.