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Original poster

Dating fizzling out

27 replies

Sandyclaus · 27/02/2016 19:47

So I think I know I'm slowly being dumped but wanted to get it out and see if happened to anyone else as feeling pretty lonely tonight !

Started seeing a guy before Christmas - he was lovely, very attentive, always wanting to meet, lots of texts and said nice things.

I'd been single for 6 years after horror last relationship so wanted to take it a little slowly... Which we did. Anyway been having a great time with him. Really like him and now he's started tailing off.

Couldn't see each other last week because of work - seen him earlier this week and arranged a date tomorrow (as he was busy every night.... I know)

Then no contact from him since. I've messaged him tonight - quite light 'How's it going' type thing. He's replied but casually dropped in how he's now out tomorrow (no mention of our date or anything).

I'm being dumped aren't I ? I know it's only been a couple of months but I feel a bit foolish as I wasn't looking to get involved with anyone and I feel like he's presumed me till I like him and is now giving me a cowardly brush off.

OP posts:
Slowdecrease · 27/02/2016 22:40

I think as its only a matter of weeks in the big scheme of things that you've been seeing him I'd chill your boots , don't contact him again and see what happens. nothing here looks too awful just a nice gentle pace of a very very early days potential relationship.

Chocolatteaddict1 · 27/02/2016 22:44

I think he is if you can see the change, trust your gut feeling.

Don't text him now just wait to see what happens.

Plenty more fish in the sea Wine

PickledCauliflower · 28/02/2016 00:42

How rude of him to casually mention being out tomorrow - after arranging to see you.

I would leave him to it now.
Try to keep yourself occupied and avoid the temptation to text him.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 28/02/2016 01:01

Do you know what? I have put up with so much bullshit over the years, that now I have become absolutely zero tolerance when dating. ..and it is a revelation.
Yep, he's probably "met" someone he is also (or more) interested in online, and is trying to phase you out. So, it's shit, but jump back in there and go out with someone else.
I now never have fewer than 3 "boyfriends" on the go, which means I can never get too invested in any one man. The effect this has is that I dont dwell. One guy being evasive, or drifting..fine, I have others. And weirdly ( or not so weirdly) the ones who drift tend to panic and come running back..too late!Grin
Don't worry, don't wait, don't stay in your box waiting to be let out. .You want someone who wants you 100% and won't let you go. Settle for nothing less.

TheNaze73 · 28/02/2016 01:21

I'm with Slowdecrease who is bang on the money here. You're not even 3 months in yet, if you started the relationship at Christmas. Take it easy

Original poster
Sandyclaus · 28/02/2016 09:55

Thank you for all your replies. They made sense until I went back on line and discovered him there too! So I've ended it. I know slightly hypocritical as I had gone online (but was first time in 3 months since I'd started seeing him) and not my finest hour doing it by text but needed to regain some control of the situation and feel a lot better now.

Online dating is the devil !!

OP posts:
VinceNoirLovesHowardMoon · 28/02/2016 10:00

Online dating isn't the devil and if you think it is maybe you need more time single?
I still have my tinder profile up despite dating someone for the last 2 months. 2 months is a mere minute in a relationship however it started.
I'd love to have 3 guys on the go at once but I barely find time to date one!

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 28/02/2016 10:32

I don't actually know about 2 months being mere minutes in relationships. It depends on the relationship. There is another thread running about how what stage people were at 5 months in, and things can move pretty fast!
With my last proper relationship, 2
2 months in, it would have been a massive deal for one of us to be online dating as well, as it was understood we were a couple by then.
Over relationships are more casual, or take longer to stick.
I always said I had no time to date even one man, but I have become rather organised with babysitters/sleepovers/pressing family members into service..
either way, even if you are only chatting to multiple men online, you should try not to fixate too much on any one man, until it's really clear what's going on.
Sorry OP, you must feel a bit rubbish this morning Flowers

Original poster
Sandyclaus · 28/02/2016 10:42

I've been single for 6 years and have been very guarded so yes while agree 2 month is a short time, it had taken a lot to actually begin a relationship. And I genuinely had feelings for him so yes feeling pretty rubbish.

Thanks for the flowers ifnotnow

OP posts:
newname99 · 28/02/2016 10:52

Good for you for taking decisive action.You could have hung around waiting for him but you haven't. It wasn't respectful of him to arrange a date and then just ignore it, your instincts are working fine.

Think of this as a trial relationship, you have good instincts and boundaries which you correctly enforced, despite liking him.Congrat yourself, the next man will see that side of you so you are unlikely to get into duff relationships in future.

Slowdecrease · 28/02/2016 19:22

Nope I totally disagree and I see a pattern of endless women (and yes I am a woman!!) binning of potential by chucking it away a few months in by getting too het up that they are being 'disrespected' by the bloke in question on the strength mainly of his texting prowess or lack of. Its nuts but it's something women (yes in the main!) Repeat over and over again and then they are validated by everyone saying oh you did the right don't take any shit etc. Finishing with someone (by text ironically) that you actually like and saw a few days ago because he's changed his plans this weekend .. cutting off nose to spite face tbh.

SoThatHappened · 28/02/2016 19:39

Slowdecrease did you miss the bit where the OP said he is still active online dating?!

She has noticed him cool off and he is still using dating sites.

Slowdecrease · 28/02/2016 20:11

Sorry I read it that she went online to the dating site and he was online too. I'm not saying the guy is any good for OP I'm just saying at 3 months in or so you're dating, feeling it out, you're not looking for the future spouse surely? It takes time to get to know each other and as and when you do then commitment and accountability if you like comes with it. "Taking it a little slowly" is not dumping someone by text because they've changed their weekend plans, or indeed dumping the even though you have a great time together and really like them as OP stated. It's letting it unfold .

SoThatHappened · 28/02/2016 20:40

Whenever I've had situations like this and "let in unfold" it has always transpired they were tailing off and changing plans as they werent that interested or they'd met someone else.

Whenever I've had a guy that was once keen and then trailed off as the OP had, I told myself what do you expect, be cool, take it slow, let it happen. Wrong. I should have just stopped engaging as the reality was they were losing interest.

I;ve never seen a story like this end well.

Slowdecrease · 28/02/2016 20:50

I'm not saying it doesn't happen So at all you're absolutely right that it does. But what I am saying is the OP wanted to take it slowly but she likes the guy and enjoys his time. So she doesn't see him this weekend so what? Maybe she'd have seen him next weekend or the one after that, nice and casual and taking it slowly but she'll never know now because she's assumed the worst and immediately dumped the guy by text. They're nothing "taking it slowly" about that. Yes, he might indeed have lost interest it happens but he may well just be "taking it slowly" himself for his own reasons. My point is I think, that women in particular are on such high alert that it might not go anywhere that they can't relax and just see what happens and even pretending at being chilled out isn't enough - men can see right through that - you have to believe that what is for you won't go past you as my mum used to say and she was right.

SoThatHappened · 28/02/2016 20:53

I've relaxed and seen what happens and just enjoyed it a few times. Genuinely thinking no rush, etc. Just enjoyed it when i saw him, didnt question when he cancelled.

He admitted later he was looking for a serious gf, I wasnt it and i was the place holder. I should have listened to my nagging doubts.

Slowdecrease · 28/02/2016 20:55

Were you looking for a serious boyfriend? Because the just of what OP said is that she wasn't and was taking it slow.

SoThatHappened · 28/02/2016 21:08

Went to meet him with an open mind. No rush. He seemed that way too. I started to really like him. he knew that. I had some doubts about him.

He told me he wasnt in the right frame of mind to date and he'd have to leave it for now. Only to add his new gf on facebook before he broke up with me I saw.

I was looking for potential....not a liar.

SoThatHappened · 28/02/2016 21:13

Started seeing a guy before Christmas - he was lovely, very attentive, always wanting to meet, lots of texts and said nice things.

The OP said a little slowly but based of her comment above, she really liked it.

Slowdecrease · 28/02/2016 21:22

Slight hijack of thread but what if anything will you do differently next time you date So . For me, I changed my mindset completely when I started dating my OP after meeting on Tinder. I chilled . I let it be. I didn't get hung up on texting. I had NO expectations at all other than spending a nice time together as and when we saw each other. I compared it to my dad's old homebrew fuzzing away in the airing cupboard! I let it by bubble away in its own time..we've been together a year and a half now and what was maybe to a lot of people a slow start was actually (I hope!) a slow and steady firm foundation being laid. Maybe your next relationship will be the right one that you can trust to just grow itself without fear and I hope it is, but remember to get a different results you have to use different methods.

Original poster
Sandyclaus · 28/02/2016 21:35

Slowdecrease thanks for your messages but I think you may have misunderstood what has happened. I haven't just knee jerked and ended the relationship due to this weekends plans. Incidentally - a cancellation of the plans would have been better - to ignore them and reference his own was in my opinion quite rude.

I have felt that the dating was fizzling out - based on a number of things, not just texts but content, plans, physical stuff - a lot. I had a gut feeling he may still be online dating (we had said we wouldn't see other people or go online when we started seeing each other) so I checked and there he was.

I am generally a chilled out easy going person, and as had not dated for a long time had no expectations. Yes I liked him but in this instance I don't feel I've cut my nose off to spite my face - I'd rather not date someone who lies about dating websites and ignores previously made plans.

OP posts:
SoThatHappened · 28/02/2016 21:43

I chilled . I let it be. I didn't get hung up on texting. I had NO expectations at all other than spending a nice time together as and when we saw each other.

I did that and got used for sex as and when, precisely as I didnt say anything and let it be.

OP, maybe you should have said to him, I thought we were meeting this weekend what happened?

But if you feel he has fizzed out generally. Probably not alot of point.

Original poster
Sandyclaus · 28/02/2016 21:50

So - I was thinking about it, but then in line with the rest of the fizzling I didn't think it was worth it. Just shows gut instincts are right though - and although not a great ending - much better to have it sorted out I think and know where I stand.

OP posts:
peaceoftheaction · 28/02/2016 21:55

FWIW I think you did the right thing here OP. He was checking out other people on a dating website and fobbing you off. You deserve much better and no point wasting more time on him.

Slowdecrease · 29/02/2016 08:07

Fair play OP, you have to do what you think is right.

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