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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

queries

28 replies

woody2976 · 20/02/2016 22:42

if a woman wanted to leave and was happy to be the one to move to a new place what practical arrangements would she need to sort? there are young children involved. woman works part time on a low salary and man works full time on a high salary.

OP posts:
sarahlou75 · 20/02/2016 22:48

Is there a marriage? A mortgage? An agreement between parties over access?
I presume the woman would be renting? There would need to be discussion regarding furniture etc.
Child tax credits can be claimed, council tax single persons allowance, housing benefit, etc
I would suggest an appointment with citizens advice bureau.
If there is any abuse in the relationship women's aid is the best contact.

Original poster
woody2976 · 20/02/2016 22:50

yes married and mortgage. house in both names but husband would not want the house to be sold. woman is happy to rent another property. no abuse just a husband with a short fuse and anger issues. rational discussions will be unlikely. kids will be devastated. woman has finally had enough but is absolutely terrified to take the first step.

OP posts:
RiceCrispieTreats · 20/02/2016 22:59

The woman should speak to a solicitor and institute divorce proceedings.

House can be sold on order of judge as part of the divorce proceedings.

Marriage + kids means that the higher-paid spouse will need to pay towards children's maintenance.

RiceCrispieTreats · 20/02/2016 23:00

A good lawyer takes the fear and emotions out of the process: it all simply becomes a matter of legalities, totally unemotional. Discussions can also happen through the lawyers, rather than through the spouses, thus removing even more of the fear and emotions surrounding the process.

Lawyers are worth their weight in gold in such a situation.

RiceCrispieTreats · 20/02/2016 23:02

"short fuse and anger issues" sounds a lot like abuse, btw.

Marchate · 20/02/2016 23:11

Why is your wife happy to move to rented accommodation? Especially as she likely is expected to be main carer of the children?

Original poster
woody2976 · 20/02/2016 23:13

please dont presume that I am the husband!

OP posts:
Marchate · 20/02/2016 23:15

That's the way you come over

sarahlou75 · 20/02/2016 23:17

If rational discussions are unlikely then steps will need to be taken to ensure housing is sorted ASAP.
Anger and short fuse may well escalate when the woman states she wants a divorce.
Does the woman have a RL support network/family who could offer practical support and help?

sarahlou75 · 20/02/2016 23:18

Really weird use of language in this post. Sounds almost clinical, impartial Hmm

Marchate · 20/02/2016 23:20

Does your wife say you have a short fuse and anger issues? Or are they your words?

Original poster
woody2976 · 20/02/2016 23:23

im after practical advice so trying to be impartial and anonymous hence the weird use of language.

OP posts:
Marchate · 20/02/2016 23:24

saralou, until I hear incontrovertible evidence to convince me otherwise, I think this man is being accused of DV, but he thinks he 'only' has anger issues

sarahlou75 · 20/02/2016 23:33

I think you are right marchate.
Exiting thread.

HeddaGarbled · 20/02/2016 23:34

He could buy her out so she has enough to buy a place of her own or the house will have to be sold and the assets split. Not acceptable for her to rent whilst on a low salary, while he gets to keep the house and if it goes to court highly unlikely that a judge would agree to that arrangement. Percentage asset split will depend on who the children stay/go with or whether residence is 50-50. Likely she'll get a bigger percentage because of the income disparity, regardless of the child residence issue. His pension and any savings will also be part of the assets to be split between them. They should both see solicitors.

Original poster
woody2976 · 20/02/2016 23:35

hi OP here i am actually the wife. thank u for the helpful practical advice.

OP posts:
sarahlou75 · 20/02/2016 23:45

Hi OP, if you are the wife then have you thought about how you are going to do this?
Is your DH aware that you are planning to leave?
Why are you with DC's leaving the family home?? I would not recommend that you did tbh.
Re the anger and short fuse have you anyone who can be with you in case things escalate if you decide to tell him face to face?
You need a plan and you need RL advice and support.
You say you have finally had enough, but that rational discussion is not an option. Sounds like you are scared of him?

Marchate · 21/02/2016 00:09

Okay, I am sorry if I misread your tone

What I would say to the wife in such a situation is, he's abusive, and she mustn't make excuses for him. 'Anger issues' is the usual euphemism for aggression, sadly

TokenGinger · 21/02/2016 00:30

If the house is in both names, I'm not sure you have a right to claim housing benefit I you own a house.

goddessofsmallthings · 21/02/2016 00:47

I'm of the same mind as RiceCrispie in that a "short fuse and anger issues" that make "rational discussions" unlikely are metaphors for entirely consistent with abuse.

You're best advised to make contact with your nearest Women's Aid branch via this website, woody, www.womensaid.org.uk and also read 'Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft.

Original poster
woody2976 · 21/02/2016 07:22

i think rational discussion would be hard cos he will be upset

OP posts:
bb888 · 21/02/2016 07:27

Its likely to be very difficult to continue living in the same house with a man who can't control his anger once you have told him that its over. The loss of control will have him raging. Speaking to WA in advance of acting is a very good idea.

Original poster
woody2976 · 22/02/2016 09:20

i wanted to update on this. i told my husband ive had enough of his short fuse. i said everything else is fine but when something goes wrong or theres a stressful situation he reacts disproportionatly. i clearly told him that im not prepared to put up with it anymore and he needs to get some help or i will leave, with the children. in 15 years of our relationship ive never said anything like this. i feel much stronger. stronger than ive ever felt and if i have to end the marriage i will. i will also be honest with him from now on. thank you all for your support. Also anyone any ideas what he could do to help him when he can feel himself getting angry? i rarely lose my temper so dont know what would help.

OP posts:
Marchate · 22/02/2016 09:29

Hi. Sorry I was confused by your opening statement. The lack of personal pronouns made me suspicious

Only he can sort out his temper. If it's benefitting him - ie he gets his own way - he won't change. But if he doesn't get what he wants he could get even angrier, possibly dangerous.

Don't be too honest! Stick to facts, not feelings. He may turn your honesty against you

Has someone already recommended you read Lundy Bancroft?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

RiceCrispieTreats · 22/02/2016 09:44

How did he react to what you told him?

Also anyone any ideas what he could do to help him when he can feel himself getting angry?

It's up to him to find ways to help him handle his own emotions. It's not something you can actually do for him. Personal change is hard, and has to be entirely led by the person seeking to change. He is a grown man, and capable of dialing a therapist if he needs one. If you seek to lead his transformation, however, then you become responsible (for his failures), and he can drag his feet and play the role of the unwilling participant.

Either he wants to change, or he doesn't. It's up to him to make the decision, and to act on it.