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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How to get through this?

26 replies

Teaandcakeat8 · 11/02/2016 21:44

My ex dp and I split after 2 years in late December. We worked together in a fairly small office. The split was looking to be pretty amicable.

He's just started dating a girl 8 years his junior who works in our office. I have to see them every day and it's tearing my apart. I can't leave my job as I've just bought a house and there are few jobs coming up in the area (so can't move).

How can I get through this? I think I'm doing ok then this evening I see he's removed all traces of me from his social media and her the same. I feel like the whole relationship meant nothing as he's moved on 6 weeks later.

What can I do? My confidence is at rock bottom and I know I'll never be happy again.

OP posts:

mellowyellow1 · 11/02/2016 21:57

You need to walk into work with your head held high. I can't imagine how tough it must be having only broken up 6 weeks ago. Tell yourself you can get through this and with time it will get easier

Original poster

Teaandcakeat8 · 11/02/2016 22:08

It's been going on since before we broke up, I'm sure. He always denied it though. I absolutely hate myself!

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 11/02/2016 22:11

It sounds as though it has been, doesn't it? Do you have good friends at work? The thing that will get you through it is looking like you don't give a damn.

Original poster

Teaandcakeat8 · 11/02/2016 22:12

I have friends but he keeps getting angry at me for talking about it with them. He says it's making him feel uncomfortable. I don't think he has any idea how difficult it is as he's wrapped up in his new relationship.

OP posts:

goddessofsmallthings · 11/02/2016 22:21

How does he know what you're talking about with your friends?

Original poster

Teaandcakeat8 · 11/02/2016 22:24

It's a very small, open plan office. He said he feels like everywhere he goes I'm talking about him.

OP posts:

clam · 11/02/2016 22:28

Tell him not to be so bloody arrogant - he's not that important. But either way, you're not answerable to him as to who or what you talk to others about.
If he has an issue with "feeling uncomfortable," he knows what he can do. Leave.

AnyFucker · 11/02/2016 22:31

So he can parade a new relationship (that overlapped with your own) at work but you have to stfu about it ?

Fuck that shit

Openmindedmonkey · 11/02/2016 22:31

Making him feel uncomfortable?!? ffs.... at this stage, you have no flippin responsibility at all for how he feels!
He's trying to manipulate you & he has no right.
I hope the way that he is treating you brings in to focus how much better off you are without him. As the pp said, walk in to work with your head held high. Be strong, smile, rediscover yourself & get on with your life

Costacoffeeplease · 11/02/2016 22:33

That's a shame isn't it - not

He doesn't control you, tell him to fuck off with his instructions, arrogant twat

Laugh in his face and treat him with the contempt he deserves

Iamdobby63 · 11/02/2016 22:34

Yes ditto, he is free to leave.

sounds like a man with a guilty conscience to me.

Whocansay · 11/02/2016 22:34

He's fucking someone new right under your nose, but you aren't allowed to talk about it?!! Tell him to fuck off!!

It must be difficult for you, but you clearly dodged a bullet. What an arse!

Original poster

Teaandcakeat8 · 11/02/2016 22:43

He's denying it, that's the problem, says they are just getting to know each other (I know that's not true). I can see its heading into full relationship territory. He met me shortly after he moved to the city we live in, and never made any effort to meet anyone. Hence the only other person he knows is this girl. So I imagine it's quite claustrophobic and I think they talk a lot about what I might or might not be saying.

OP posts:

clam · 11/02/2016 22:46

I don't see that him denying when the relationship started makes any difference to anything. You're the injured party here, and he has no right to be attempting to trump your feelings of discomfort.

Original poster

Teaandcakeat8 · 11/02/2016 22:50

Well he thinks that I shouldn't be 'spreading rumours' that might damage his reputation...

I think he's in the unfortunate position of thinking himself as the good guy, trying to move on and do the right thing... But is actually being a complete dickhead and it's obviously not sitting comfortably with him.

When we met he made a huge deal out of being different to other guys, treating me nicely etc and I think he can't see that actually he's being horrendous.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 11/02/2016 22:53

Sounds like you have the measure of him and I certainly would not be keeping my trap shut....for him nor for anybody

AtrociousCircumstance · 11/02/2016 22:58

Keep talking about it. You have zero responsibility to him and even if you were still in a relationship with him you wouldn't have to obey him - so why should you give any thought to what he wants you to do now?!

He cheated on you. He doesn't care that his relationship with another coworker is horribly hard for you. Please do not consider putting his feelings first in any way!

Original poster

Teaandcakeat8 · 11/02/2016 23:10

I'm also worried about my own professional reputation for being a trouble maker if I discuss it. I have a fair bit of responsibility in my role, as does he - we're both junior management - whereas his new gf is just in a '9-5' role without that responsibility on her. Therefore when he complains to me that she feels uncomfortable I'm worried it will damage my career - I don't want to be seen as making her life difficult (although I've not really anything against her, apart from thinking her slightly naive that it's a good idea).

OP posts:

Iamdobby63 · 11/02/2016 23:35

Your friends that you have discussed him with, are they from work or separate?

AnyFucker · 12/02/2016 07:01

well, use your own professional judgement about what is appropriate then.

PuellaEstCornelia · 12/02/2016 07:05

Sorry but I think in these circumstances EVERYONE in the office will be talking about it whether you said anything or not!

Borninthe60s · 12/02/2016 07:45

I would try to act as professionally as possible and refuse to discuss him and her at work. That way you are remaining totally professional. If others discuss them in your presence you can say (tongue in cheek) oh you know I can't possibly comment.

I would also discuss this with your next in line and say you are concerned about the best way to handle it and welcome their support. Get everyone on board and remain professional. Take some annual leave if necessary but do not let the, ruin your job and life X

desertmum · 12/02/2016 11:54

I agree with born - hard as it is you need to rise above it and not talk about it at work. Let his actions be what others judge him on, while you continue to act professionally and do a good job. Each day, week, month will get easier.

and because I do understand it must be very hard.

mix56 · 12/02/2016 12:25

The split was looking to be pretty amicable. & then he got a new girlfriend (or overlapping) & you got jealous.

You are hurt, but are you going to talk about it daily to all the joint colleagues ? Sorry, It only has a limited shelf life, & then everyone will want to move on.
There is no going back, & whilst you can bad mouth him, it serves no purpose , other than possibly making you feel as though people will take sides & enjoy the little vendetta. & as you say may end up damaging your reputation.

I am not saying he can dictate what you can say & to whom. Just that everyone knows now.

clam · 12/02/2016 18:19

Aw, she's feeling uncomfortable? Shouldn't have shagged someone in the office who was seeing someone else at the time then, should she?

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