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Relationships

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Original poster

Is divorce right?

18 replies

Homely1 · 29/01/2016 21:11

DC involved
Does anyone 'suck it up' for the sake of the kids?
Though separated now, when ex and I were living together, he would make comments to suggest that I did not know things, would not appreciate how much I did, would not want to share details about his income/assets. He would sulk a bit really by just going quiet. He would always say that I did not do anything and would not stick up for me. I would also find it difficult to tell him my wishes and if I wanted to do something, I'd really work myself up to tell him.
Now divorce is on the cards. That seems so big, as DC. Am I being overemotional? Is it wrong to divorce?

OP posts:

marriednotdead · 29/01/2016 21:32

It doesn't sound as if you got very much out of your marriage in terms of having your own needs met. And your ex sounds horrid. Why on earth would staying be any good?

If nothing else, the model of a relationship that they see is one they are likely to emulate as adults. Would you really want your DCs living as you have done?

I stayed in my marriage for way longer than I should have, purely because divorce seemed so huge and obviously not what I signed up for- like most people I married for life. But there comes a point when you realise that you deserve so much better, and if you're never going to get it there, then it's time to go. I have no regrets and I suspect once it's all over, nor will you.

bb888 · 29/01/2016 21:32

IMO its better to divorce than to stay together unhappily. At least then your children can adjust to the new situation and hopefully get happier and therefore better parents.

Aussiebean · 29/01/2016 21:39

In my case it was definitely better that my parents divorced.

What's the saying? Better to be from a broken home then in one.

Very true in my case

Anniegetyourgun · 29/01/2016 21:45

I could write screeds on this, will try not to...

I had this argument with XH, who tried to tell me I couldn't divorce him because "you made a promise in church". Well yes, I did, and I meant it. But that doesn't mean I have to put up with any old shit for the rest of my life. He made a promise in church too, and it didn't involve emotional abuse, hoarding, sulking or any of the other jolly little extras I no longer put up with.

Basically, marriage is a contract, mainly about shared assets and accepted parentage of any children, but with added love and caring for each other which you won't find in the average business contract. Any contract which can be made can also be dissolved. If one partner has failed to honour their part by, for example, failing to love and to cherish, then the other is not bound to keep to it regardless. After all, if you had contracted to pay for a bed, say, to be delivered, and either it didn't arrive or it was in a horrible smashed-up state or missing some vital pieces, would you still be contractually obliged to pay for it?

It's not a thing most people do lightly, especially if you have DC and/or are religious. You can't possibly say it is or is not wrong as everyone's situation is different.

marzipanmaggie · 29/01/2016 21:47

If the marriage is broken then its not wrong to divorce. Divorce is not easy on anyone, but separated but fulfilled parents make more stable homes and better role models than parents battling it out in order to adhere to a social ideal of how a family should be.

It makes me quite angry when I see the amount of people who come on here racked with guilt about the fact that they have come to the end of their rope with a marriage and feel this huge weight of pressure to stay together "for the children". No-one with kids should separate lightly, but children will never thank parents for sticking together in misery purely on their behalf.

I'm not having a go at you, by the way. I agonised for two years over whether to separate from my husband because I didn't want to break my daughter's heart. Now we have separated I can see with astonishing clarity how wrong-headed I was to think that two miserable people living together would do a better job of raising a child than two happier people living apart. Once you've come out of the other side its stunningly obvious.

sugar21 · 29/01/2016 21:47

In my case I didn't have much option. My dd (17months) died from meningitis.
Her death completely ripped our marriage apart. I had a breakdown and exdh turned to drink. We were not functioning as a couple any longer and agreed to split up.
My other dd from a previous relationship now lives with her father who was a dp

bb888 · 29/01/2016 21:51

Once you've come out of the other side its stunningly obvious.

It really is. I stayed for years 'for the children'. Now I'm out the other side it seems so obviously nonsense that I find it hard to believe that I actually thought that.

Goodbetterbest · 29/01/2016 22:04

Is it wrong to divorce? No.

The rest of your life is a long time to be unhappy. It is possible to damage your kids staying in an unhappy marriage. It is possible to get your kids through a divorce relatively unscathed by being tolerant to depths you never knew you had.

I am so happy to be divorced. XH will always be in my life because of DCs. I can't do anything about that. But I can now choose to move forward and be independent and happy. And that is what I want my kids to see. How to be happy alone, rather than miserable in a marriage.

Original poster

Homely1 · 30/01/2016 12:14

Thank you all so much. I would love to actually get to a point where I can see the 'stunningly obvious' and feel peace.

sugar, I am really sorry for your loss. Was the decision for dd to live with her father your decision. Sending huge hugs and thank you for sharing.

The other thing that I always have in my mind is whether I've got the best solicitor or whether I should go to a really well known firm, tier 1 on the legal 500. This anxiety arises as I have DC and I want to know that I get the best outcome given the circumstances. I have no insight to law so I do not know if someone extremely reputable might find loopholes etc. I have been advised that my solicitor is competent and does have years experience, the firm itself is not well known for family law.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 30/01/2016 12:43

Are there a lot of assets involved? If so, a more experienced solicitor is not a bad idea. However if it's just a simple one house to be split then a cheaper option seems best. Otherwise you'll be sucking up most of the assets in £500/hour battle.

Goodbetterbest · 30/01/2016 13:34

Find a solicitor you feel safe with. Mine is a friend of a friend. Also part of a family law group which includes solicitors who are also mediators.

Do you think mediation would work? You have to consider it and go to one session IIRC. We thrashed most of our stuff out for the court order at mediation.

Mediation and solicitors are NOT therapy. It is business and a means to an end. Leave emotions out of it and you'll be able to make progress more quickly, and save money that way.

I am very very happy with the way things have turned out. Life after divorce is good for me and the DCs. Of course, we never know what is really going on in their minds but after 5 years of sticking at it, deciding enough was enough helped everyone involved. It certainly didn't come as a surprise to the DCs. The house is now harmonious. It really is lovely.

Original poster

Homely1 · 31/01/2016 15:53

Thank you... I guess to me, selecting the right solicitor and question re type of firm etc is mostly to get the most desirable outcome with regards to child contact

OP posts:

Original poster

Homely1 · 01/02/2016 20:22

Anyone know if I should have a solicitor whose name is well known to get the best outcome re child contact?

OP posts:

bb888 · 01/02/2016 20:34

What do you want re child contact? Will your husband agree to that?

Original poster

Homely1 · 01/02/2016 20:37

He's been really hands off and unbothered, disappeared and appeared yet on paper, has asked for a lot

OP posts:

OllyBJolly · 01/02/2016 20:43

I think if there are DC both partners have the responsibility to make every effort to make the marriage work. If that fails, then divorce is the only alternative. I don't believe it's good for anyone to plod on when the love has gone. That's living a lie and kids see through that. It's a bad lesson for them to learn.

I went through 3 solicitors before I found one who really understood my position. I felt with the others I was just a case number; the last one understood the repercussions of any decisions and tailored the agreements to suit me.

Remember child contact should be worked out in the interests of the children, not the parents. The unfortunate thing is that it's the PWC who has the responsibility to make the children available; no compulsion on the NRP to turn up at the agreed times.

Original poster

Homely1 · 01/02/2016 20:48

Thank you so much all. Olly, you have resonated a fear of mine.. Indent want to be just a case number. This may be their bread and butter but this is DCs life. I'm trying to arrange in a way and nature that is right for DC but ex is thinking of himself .... He's always been if the belief that DC will just fit and adapt, period.

OP posts:

bb888 · 01/02/2016 20:51

At the end of the day you won't be able to make your ex have any more contact than he is willing to and thats probably more likely to be the problem than him sustaining a demand to have more.

In the short term could you try to work towards him having more time with the children than he does? It would be a break for you, a reality check for him and evidence if you need it as to whether he can sustain agreed arrangements re the children.

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