How many of us feel like DP's mother?

[WalkingBlind]

Because it's really fucking annoying.

I have kids already I didn't ask for a man child as well

What do you do for your DP that makes you feel more like a parent?

My most hated is shouting up the stairs to get the fuck out of bed! Everyone else manages to get up/dressed at the same time.

So unsexy. Then they wonder why we aren't slobbering over them by bedtime!

Did you miss this thread last night? It agrees with you!

I couldn't live with somebody like this. We have 3 kids. I don't need a 4th. DH isn't perfect but nor am I, but we do both behave like adults and do stuff because you know, we're adults. Honestly, I do nothing that makes me feel like his parent. I see buttons back on for him but that is as close as it gets to mumsiness. And he sorts the kids' breakfast at least 5 days a week so, you know, I don't mind the buttons.

Honestly it's utterly shit for an adult, a supposedly equal partner, to behave like this. Just stop mothering him and let him work it out himself. Or tell him how shit it is that he won't behave like an adult. You don't need to live like this.

Nope. I've got 2 children, he's an adult.

If he wanted to act like a child and take the consequences that's his lookout.

If his childlike behaviour impacted on me I simply wouldn't be with him anymore. Who could be arsed?

The men discussed on this type of thread also behave much worse than any child would try or get away with, I think.

It's lovely being with a fellow adult, really.

I ended two relationships exactly because of this phenomenon. Fortunately, current DP seems to be a perfectly functioning adult capable of organising his own affairs and just as aware as I am about where the vacuum cleaner is or what needs to be brought from the shop for the DC's packed lunch.

I'm not attracted to children.

I just skim read that thread. My DH does largely "just do it" - dishwasher needs loading/unloading while he's there, it happens. School uniform waiting by ironing board for me to do. He came to iron his shirts for the week, did the uniform. Kids need snack for after swimming, he pops it in the bag while he's sorting their kit. Packed lunches made by him more frequently than me without me having to mention it as he knows when they're needed.

I probably do do more of the thinking about stuff, mainly because I work from home and part time so an around more than him to notice, so I often have to ask him to do stuff, but because he does notice a lot of stuff and just does it without me even having to think of it as a thing and because he willingly does stuff if asked I feel very much like I'm actually living with an adult.

It is how life should be.

Trouble is, they might not seem to be like this until the children are there, and when you are in that position it seems petty to break up the family "just" because of things that can seem banal and are easily confused with you being bossy.

Trouble is, they might not seem to be like this until the children are there, and when you are in that position it seems petty to break up the family "just" because of things that can seem banal and are easily confused with you being bossy.

I agree ravensmum. So many women are ultra capable types who just get on with it, and it's not until after the arrival of children, when they physically can't manage it all, that they realise just how much more they are doing than their partners. And because they are at one of the most vulnerable points in their lives, and the children are so young and in need of stability, they minimise the unfairness of the situation by labelling it 'petty' and work even harder to keep the family together.

But you don't need to treat him like a child

If he stays in bed - well that's his problem!

You are going to get really annoyed with him if you constantly tell/remind him what to do all the time AND he'll get annoyed with you telling/nagging him all the time too!

Yep, easily confused.

Nope, my OH is a grown adult man.
At weekends he's always up before me.
I get a nice cup of tea in bed.
He hates not doing things so he's always doing dishes, his washing, fixing things, tidying his van, off doing his hobby.
Does his own washing, lots of the cooking, most of the shopping.
More than his fair share of house work.
Works long hours in a manual job and has to do his paperwork in the evenings.
Bless him.

No.

Seriously, the more you 'mother' them, the more they'll rely on it. You're letting them get away with it.

Why do it?

They are an adult. If they are late for work, they are late for work. If they are late taking the kids to school, they can explain that to the kids. If they don't buy presents for their parents birthday, they can explain that they forgot.

Some things are a matter of different outlook. It would take a long time for OH to notice the bathroom needed cleaning. It takes me a long time to notice that the grass needs mowing. Some things now just fall into separate areas of responsibility (I clean the bathroom, he deals with the garden). Other things should be dealt with by having a sensible, calm and adult conversation explaining why something is frustrating or difficult, and asking that it is approached differently as a partnership.

The more I read on MN the more my mind boggles that so many women (accepting Raven and Pounding's explanation of certain vulnerable times in people's lives) just continue to pander to useless partners and don't expect them to act like adults.

they might not seem to be like this until the children are there, and when you are in that position it seems petty to break up the family "just" because of things that can seem banal

this, times a gazillion

I couldn't bust up our family, and, when the kids asked me BUT WHY MUDDHA WHY just say 'He. Would. Not. Shut. The. Fucking. Front. DOOR'

I have thought about it mind

Definitely me. I'm busy comforting mine whilst he's sobbing on a bed. 😳

Taking the "won't get up" example... you have a choice:

1. Try to make him get up and come across as bossy.

1. Let him get up late, making you late for work as you have to do all the work / making it too late for you to go on your family outing / making you have to clean up the whole house before your friends arrive / leaving you to find something to entertain the children yet another weekend while he lies there snoring.

I feel likes DP's mother when he has a cold, that I usually also have, except a shit mother who doesn't respond with approate sympathy to his man flu because I'm too busy being I'll myself and looking after an I'll toddler

Op - why do you shout up the stairs and tell him to get up?

if he will be late for work - that's his problem
if he is supposed to be getting dcs ready, then you leave them, get yourself ready and leave for work. Consequences are his problem
if you all leave in the car together, then leave, he will have to walk/taxi/bus/miss work.

The thing is that the more you do stuff FOR someone, the less they step up to the plate.

So my advice is to back off, agree certain things - eg that you do breakfast and kids on Mon/Tues and he does them Wed Thurs (or whatever) then let him do it. If he gets it wrong, or is late or gives them the wrong stuff for school, then he will have to learn.

My only exception to this is that there is a pile of stuff I do because I work part time and dh works full time. Occasionally I am away for a week. I write the stuff that I do (eg football kit, swimming times) on the calendar, and leave him to it.

Agree with ravensmum

This was me, married to a man who appeared to function like and adult until the dc arrived. Took me ten years to leave, for which I forgive myself (there are reasons which I have since I picked with the help of my fantastic therapist) but I played my part -- working ever harder and putting up with ever increasing misery (from him) until I snapped one day, and made him leave.

We are nearly divorced. Best decision ever. I will never again entertain a relationship with someone who isn't fully capable of sorting their shit. Right down to washing their own pants. Nor am I likely to ever co-habit with a member of the male species until my kids leave home. Because until that time I'll still have an element of vulnerability. Although I now have clear boundaries (hard won).

Knowing what I know now - if my partner was not able to get themselves out of bed I would seriously question what benefit they brought to my life of working and bringing up kids. But it's taken me quite some time to get here.

No, in fairness, DH is pretty awesome. When I'm not working he's always up before me.

.

the more you do stuff FOR someone, the less they step up to the plate.
But if you leave it undone, they think it's fine not to do stuff and have junk piling up everywhere, getting in the way when you want to do one of your other tasks. Or they think it's fine to get up late while you take care of your children. (Well, they think it's feasible...)

I tried lots of approaches - clearheaded, reasonable chats about what needed to be done, telling him what he needed to do, just doing it myself, just leaving it, and nothing helped. I didn't leave as deep down, I started to believe I must be the unreasonable one as his eye-rolls, sighs, blank face and tuts suggested.

It must be great to have a partner who doesn't act like this, and gets on with things if you leave them to it, but if your partner turns out to be like this, you are trapped. It's not easy to leave over these things. Mine only became like this gradually, as he got used to me being the SAHP, the novelty of being a dad wore off and he decided he was the main earner so was thus exempt from any other duties (even after I started working full-time and earning more than him).

Good news, though: now he's gone things are much easier. If anything I seem to have less to do.