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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What does it mean...

32 replies

munkynutts · 23/01/2016 10:53

...when he lets you down in a really bad way, then desperately tries to make it up, opening up emotionally in a way you've never heard him do before, and then a few days later lets you down in the exact same way again?

I'm so confused and sad.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 23/01/2016 11:03

Means he's not ready for an adult relationship.

CalleighDoodle · 23/01/2016 11:06

It means he has no respect for you, is testing your boundaries to see what youll let him get away with, and that youre letting him.

Block and delete him. Work on your self-esteem. Go out with your girl friends. Have fun.

AnyFucker · 23/01/2016 11:07

It means he will never change and carry on hurting you

That the "opening up emotionally" was a calculated way to get you to STFU and carry on tolerating the behaviour

MoominPie22 · 23/01/2016 11:09

He´s messing you about and screwing with your head! It also helps if you give some context though.....opening up emotionally about what? Letting you down really badly, how? Confused

We can´t really give an accurate opinion on so few details I´m afraid.

Original poster
munkynutts · 23/01/2016 11:10

Silence. Blocks me out for days and days on end. Plays dead.

OP posts:
MoominPie22 · 23/01/2016 11:19

Well going on your vague and sparse details, I would surmise he´s controlling, possibly emotionally abusive......but has he been through some sort of trauma or breakdown? I don´t want to paint your OH as the bad guy when he equally may have valid reasons for withdrawing e.g, mental health issues etc. Is he going through some stressful event?

He may be acting oddly and out of character for a reason he´s unable to disclose? There´s clearly something going on.....if he´s not just being a spiteful, manipulative sod, that is.

Still not a lot to go on munky

Original poster
munkynutts · 23/01/2016 11:36

Its been like this since the beginning of our relationship, push pull, on off. Only this tine I'm finding it really difficult because he properly disclosed his feelings for me and apologised to me. I felt like he'd been honest and open with me for the first time. And then a few days later he went AWOL again. Am crushed. I just don't understand.

OP posts:
tippytap · 23/01/2016 11:40

He's messing you about.

It's all about reeling you in.

Just leave him. Relationships shouldn't be a head fuck.

Original poster
munkynutts · 23/01/2016 11:42

But why bother? We go for good long stretches where it's really intense and just blissful. I don't understand the need for it.

OP posts:
Finola1step · 23/01/2016 11:45

He's keeping you dangling. Your his little plaything in the way a cat plays with a mouse. I had one of these about 20 years ago. He dumped me from a great height. I picked myself up and then a couple of months later, started dating dh. I was the winner.

Finola1step · 23/01/2016 11:46

The need for it is to show you that he is in charge.

InvoluntaryCelibacy · 23/01/2016 11:56

He's playing you like a fiddle

Original poster
munkynutts · 23/01/2016 12:02

Just don't get why. We were practically living together. He wanted me to be with him all day/night, every day. Exaggerating a bit but you get the idea. Basically we were out of the sounding each other out phase. There was no need to play me or reel me in or whatever.

OP posts:
PamDooveOrangeJoof · 23/01/2016 12:06

You're asking the wrong question. T doesn't matter why he does it. You need to ask yourself why you are prepared to accept his awful behaviour and why you don't think you are worth more.

Finola1step · 23/01/2016 12:07

Ah but here's the thing. You sound like a reasonable, decent person. He does not. And you just can't reason with the unreasonable.

InvoluntaryCelibacy · 23/01/2016 12:13

Why? Because he can. Men enjoy having power over others (obviously not all men)

AnyFucker · 23/01/2016 12:15

He sounds fucked up when it's "off" and fucked up when it's "on" tbh

He is tryign to break you down with the on/off bollocks.

Really, you should have seen the red flags the first time he played dead and when he started to want you to spend 24/7 with him.

Original poster
munkynutts · 23/01/2016 12:17

I've gone through my grieving period - I know it can't continue. I'm more disappointed and baffled than anything else.

OP posts:
Marchate · 23/01/2016 12:19

Better to get out now than to realise, years later, that you are trapped in a toxic web

WithYourKissMyLifeBegins · 23/01/2016 12:43

An apology means nowt if he then does the same thing again especially so soon.

Cabrinha · 23/01/2016 13:16

If it takes 5 months for the first time you feel he's being honest, he's a loser.

On my first date with boyfriend, I felt he was being honest. OK I couldn't know for sure - but I felt it, and 4 months in all feels good.

But honestly, you sound like a naïve person desperate for it to work.
I have read your previous posts and commented on some.

You really need to spend more time with your counsellor before you launch into another relationship. Cross overs, biatches disrespecting you, etc... It all sounds grim.

Relationships are supposed to be FUN.

If there is angst and drama - just walk away.

He wasn't opening up to you at all, just playing you.

Choose not to be played.

LoTeQuiero · 23/01/2016 13:32

I've had this too. I don't know why they do it but it shows a complete lack of respect and an expectation that they can treat you how they like and you will always be there. I'd go quiet and not respond to him when he eventually does contact you. Which he will. Expecting you to be there.....

QuiteLikely5 · 23/01/2016 13:36

Why don't you take control of the situation?

Why don't you just tell him it's over and go no contact. If you don't you are setting your self up for more dysfunction.

Izzybusy11 · 23/01/2016 13:37

Google "emotionally unavailable ". It's men who aren't really ready for an adult normal relationship but they like playing at it

wintersocks · 23/01/2016 14:43

One lesson I learned from my bad marriage breakdown was that actions really do speak louder than words. From then on I always give more weight to what people do rather than what they say. It makes situations like this much clearer. So irrespective of what he's saying, his actions show how he intends to treat you, how much regard he has for your feelings and so on.

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