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Original poster

AIBU hubby's reaction

25 replies

patcast · 22/01/2016 12:44

Last night I got really upset with my dh

I went to the GP to discuss having a snip as I can't have more children (heart problems). The GP told me that female sterilzation was not available under the NHS only privately and that my DH could have a vasectomy instead.

I discussed this him but told him I honestly did not expect him to do it as I know that given my heart condition I will probably die first or we could divorce (I joke with that quite a lot) and that he might want to start a new family. He just went silent. Then he replied, "yeah you're right, let's see how much it costs and you could do it privately".

I was shocked Shock. I expected him to say something like don't be silly, let's look at other options or if you want me to do it for you I'll do it (even though I really don't want him to do it). I am really hurt with his reaction.

AIBU?

OP posts:
DramaQueen38 · 22/01/2016 12:50

I don't see what he has done wrong. You said you want to be sterilised. You even went to the dr and asked for the procedure. You came home and said its only available to me privately. Dh said, yeah let's see what £ would be.

You clearly had an agenda - you wanted him to offer to have the snip instead. My Dh would have never worked that out!! He'd have said " if you want it and it costs £, let's investigate what costs are and discuss more." Like your Dh did. He probably thought he said the right thing!

TheMouseThatRoared · 22/01/2016 12:53

Female sterilisation is available on the NHS . Have you tried a different gp?

pocketsaviour · 22/01/2016 12:58

So you expected your H to read your mind, and you're annoyed that he didn't volunteer to have a medical procedure that you don't want him to have?? Yes YABU Confused

MoominPie22 · 22/01/2016 12:58

Yes how strange...Mouse It was available in the Yorks trust where I worked and I even went to my GP about getting it done for myself but she said I was too young!

HumptyDumptyHadaHardTime · 22/01/2016 13:00

So you expected your H to read your mind, and you're annoyed that he didn't volunteer to have a medical procedure that you don't want him to have?? Yes YABU

This.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 22/01/2016 13:04

told him I honestly did not expect him to do it

Sorry, you shot yourself in the foot from that moment.

JohnLuther · 22/01/2016 13:06

YABU, he's not a mind reader.

Penfold007 · 22/01/2016 13:07

Seriously what did you expect him to say? You've told him you don't want him to have a vasectomy and he agreed.

Fintan · 22/01/2016 13:15

YABU.

Nobrain · 22/01/2016 13:18

I'm getting sterilised on the NHS? Perhaps see a different doctor?

DryIce · 22/01/2016 13:27

I suspect the OP is more upset about the pause after her noting that he for various reasons may want to be fertile in the future, and then his response that she is right.

OP, I can kind of see why you are upset so don't think you're being totally unreasonable. But it is unreasonable to expect him to read your mind. If his response made you react like that, perhaps you are not quite so light-hearted and unconcerned about the potential outcomes of your heart condition or a future divorce as your joking would make it appear (and rightly so!!).

What I mean is, when you joke about something you are uncomfortable with and upset by it is difficult for other people to know that you are really reaching out for support and comfort. If that is what you want, you need to ask him for it

TheNaze73 · 22/01/2016 14:08

Us men are really simple creatures. We don't read between the lines, just be direct. That's not a critiscism

Original poster
patcast · 22/01/2016 14:14

Thank you everyone...I've been thinking about this quite a lot as I didn't expect to be upset by this but the truth is I am upset not about the vasectomy and I do truly not want him to do it, but about him not reaching out and saying something like don't be silly you're not going to die.

I've been in cardiac arrest 4 times now, always been brought back in A&E or ambulance etc and it does freak me out and I am upset for him taking it so naturally...that's the truth. I know everyone dies but having been "to the other side" a few times myself I kind of felt shocked that he would take it so naturally. Anyway, thank you all for your replies...you have helped me clear my mind and we'll talk this through today after the kids are asleep.

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 22/01/2016 14:21

That's good - talking really is the best thing. And in your case, I'm not surprised you're in need of some comforting words and kindness.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 22/01/2016 14:22

No man is going to selfishlessly volunteer to have his junk snipped. They're very squeamish about anyone going near their precious penises with a scalpel blade. If you want him to do it ,you'll have to ask outright.

LineyReborn · 22/01/2016 14:32

My OH has had a vasectomy and I'm fairly confident it didn't involve his penis, darthvader.

Threefishys · 22/01/2016 14:33

Maybe because you've had so many close shaves he thought saying "don't be silly you're not going to die" would come across as flippant when you both know its a possibility. Don't prompt your Dh for sentiment then get upset when he answers a question wrong thag he didn't even know was a question tell him your fears and let him share his and look at having it done privately.

Tiggeryoubastard · 22/01/2016 14:39

But if he'd said to you 'oh that's not going to happen' then he's being unrealistic by what you've said. Surely trivialising is patronising and worse.
And female sterilisation IS available on the nhs.

ouryve · 22/01/2016 14:46

DH, did, darth! He definitely did not want any more kids.

pat I wonder if the GP applied arbitrary age or other criteria to you, without looking at the whole picture. I would see a different GP, as others have suggested.

antimatter · 22/01/2016 15:08

I think female sterilisation is not a small op.

You should find out about it by all means but you may be anyway advised there's too big or unnecessary risk. He should be aware of it too.

Veterinari · 22/01/2016 15:13

If you've been in cardiac arrest 4 times, is major surgery a good idea?

whattodowiththepoo · 22/01/2016 15:40

My partner had serious health problems in the past (not a problem now thank god) and she used to jokingly say things like "make sure you meet someone nice when I'm gone" and would joke about being dead before me. I'm not normally squeamish about death but it fucking hurt every time she said it.
I would react the same way he did, go quiet then end the conversation then try not to think about it.
Think YABU, sorry x

Jux · 22/01/2016 16:11

I was sterilised on the NHS. Your doctor seems to be talking nonsense. Check it out with another doc.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 22/01/2016 16:27

Liney oh, did they go in via the nostril, then? You know perfectly well what I mean, don't be pedantic.

Sorry, should have said "most men" not "no man", although even that amount of generalisation is frowned upon here.

LineyReborn · 22/01/2016 16:32

darth I do haunt pendants' corner on occasion, yes, tis true. I'll give you that. Smile

OP, you clearly can get the procedure you want on the NHS; but you would need to have a GA presumably and this might not be advised?

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