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Relationships

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Original poster

What would make you leave?

26 replies

TheWitchsCat · 18/01/2016 23:52

In the absence of abuse, cheating, really shitty behaviour, what would make you leave a relationship?

If your partner was a good person but you just weren't in love with them, is that enough to make you leave - Splitting up your home? Would you need there to be something concretely bad as opposed to just "not good"?

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 18/01/2016 23:59

I think everyone will have a different answer, based on their own tolerance levels etc. For me, it would have to be something major like lack of spark,sex or laughs in a relationship

Joysmum · 19/01/2016 00:15

It not being right and not likely to be right again would be enough for me. That's why my parents split, no big reason just that it wasn't right. Life's too short.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/01/2016 00:50

It depends. I can see myself now (retired, kids gone) staying if I felt that my husband and I could be 'friends'. A long married couple just has so much shared history and have weathered so much together. But I don't know if I could stay with a man I didn't love when I was younger and life had more obstacles and we didn't have that shared history.

bb888 · 19/01/2016 04:35

Its very subjective isn't it. I think if over a sustained period of time you would rather be single than in the relationship then thats the crux of it? Life is too short to stay in a relationship that is a negative experience, and I think once you have determined that it isn't working and isn't going to then staying just means that things worsen.

HelpfulChap · 19/01/2016 05:53

After all these years It would take something extraordinary to make me even consider leaving.

Perhaps if she stopped me going to football ;-)

Original poster

TheWitchsCat · 19/01/2016 09:10

So you would consider lack of spark to be major, TheNaze? What if one of you thinks everything is fine and the other feels no spark, no laughs, nothing?

OP posts:

Joysmum · 19/01/2016 09:15

My dad once said to my mum that he could love enough for the both of them. Of course he couldn't!

It turned out that when mum left he was ok, he was just scared of the unknown, failing, what others would think. He was dating again very quickly and soon agreed it was right that they'd split.

Incidentally mum and dad and step mum are best mates, and I mean best mates not just friendly!

stumblymonkey · 19/01/2016 09:30

I'm very traditional....having been the child in family break ups and step parenting I would only leave a marriage for abuse (any kind), cheating, or something of similar magnitude like criminal behaviour.

That being said I have made sure that I am with someone who feels exactly the same way, who I can have open and honest communication with, who is open to doing whatever work it takes to make our relationship work. You have to both have this mindset to pull it off.

stumblymonkey · 19/01/2016 09:33

I'm surprised that people would leave for a lack of spark....what do you mean by spark...sexual chemistry?

Personally I don't have an expectation of sexual chemistry with one person for the rest of my life; I fully expect that at an older age it may evolve into something different. Sometimes I wonder if people's expectations of marriage for life are too high?

Original poster

TheWitchsCat · 19/01/2016 09:37

Spark doesn't mean sexual chemistry to me. It means that thing that makes you able to chat, laugh, rub along well together, want to spend time together, be friends basically.

OP posts:

MatildaTheCat · 19/01/2016 09:40

Being chronically unhappy and knowing that it won't ever change?

SpuriouserAndSpuriouser · 19/01/2016 09:58

If I were experiencing what you describe OP, I would want to leave.
However, it depends on a lot of factors. For example, on how long has the "spark" been gone. If it is only a short amount of time, it might come back. I think it is quite common to lose a bit of spark if you are going through a stressful time, for example if you have very young kids. In that case I would hang on in there to see if it improves.
However, if I were young, unmarried, no DC and my partner didn't make me laugh anymore, if I wasn't happy, then I would probably leave.

FinallyHere · 19/01/2016 10:14

I don't think that that 'spark' goes for no reason. I'd want to work out, maybe on my own, maybe together, where it has gone. Some places I'd start to look, would include: are you being ground down by everyday life, or by them, or was the spark you originally thought was there, based on mistaken, or misunderstood information. Do you still basically like the person, if not, why not? Is it you, or the other person?

It would be a shame to break up a relationship for no good reason, equally a pity to stay if you are not the people you thought you were.

This is especially important for me, as i know that when things are going badly for me, i tend to be horrid to DH. I've learned to stop and explain to him (apologise) which gets me out of the slough of despond and reassures him, too. It would be great If I could just not do it, but meanwhile....I'm working on how quickly i notice. It used to be weeks or months, managed it in 5minutes on Sunday afternoon. HTH.

Gobbolino6 · 19/01/2016 10:42

It'd take a lot to make me leave at this point. We've been together 13 years with 3 small children. We'd have to truly dislike each other.

HyacinthBouquetNo1 · 19/01/2016 10:45

Another woman

we have been together 30 years next year, had fair share of ups and downs but if he cheated on me, then that would be it, no discussion

minipie · 19/01/2016 11:02

yes, I agree with Gobbolino

For me, once you have DC things need to be pretty bad to justify splitting up the DC's family life. That doesn't necessarily mean there has to be abuse/cheating etc, it would be enough if you have ended up really disliking each other (assuming you've tried to reverse this and not been able to). But just because you are not "in love" or have lost "the spark" is not enough.

MoominPie22 · 19/01/2016 11:25

I would have to look at things on balance. The bigger picture. I can work with a ¨lack of spark¨, but can my OH? I think if one of you is feeling a lack of something, unfulfilled and you´ve tried to remedy the problem to no avail, then it might be time to leave.

Relationships change over time and problems and challenges will arise, it´s natural. But for me, if one of you is miserable and things can´t improve, then that´s not a happy or healthy relationship.

I do think couples with children tolerate more upset and unhappiness though, than couples with no kids, before deciding to split. Cos, unless it´s something cut and dry like violence, splitting the family when there are kids involved is a huge deal. Both practically and emotionally. With no kids you can just walk away, end of.

Jibberjabberjooo · 19/01/2016 12:06

I left a long term ex as I just knew I didn't love him anymore. Life was comfortable but I was no longer attracted to him, didn't want sex with him and knew we had simply grown apart. We were like friends. We didn't have children luckily so there were no ties. I was unhappy for a long time but ignored my feelings until one day it all came out.

Thank god we did split as I'm now married to someone who I love and we have two children. This relationship is so different.

If I'd married my ex we would have been divorced by now.

TeapotTam · 19/01/2016 13:41

If there's no spark left, no laughs and everything's abit meh I would ask myself why am I here. Kids and joint finances are obvious ones, but sometimes people are scared of the unknown or they don't want to be alone. All of these things are fixable/workable though, however hard they might be but a dead relationship will stay that way.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/01/2016 15:18

I could live with the lack of 'spark' I think, if we both felt that way. But I think I'd find it very hard to live with someone I just felt 'neutral' about if that person still felt love for me. Honesty would make me tell them how I felt and I'd feel terribly guilty and I'd worry that they were silently waiting for (or expecting) me to change. Or that they were giving me much more in the relationship than I would be able to give them.

But if they didn't know my feelings had essentially 'died', I don't think I could live that lie.

Original poster

TheWitchsCat · 19/01/2016 17:36

Hello Gobbolino! I like your name :)

I do feel like I'm just being awful because I'm so much happier when DP isn't around and when we're together I'm probably a bit of a twat. Irritable and distant. I'm going to visit my parents this weekend just to get away. We don't have children together but I have a daughter and dp is basically her only other parent as bio dad isn't on the scene.
I feel like I'd probably be fine if we worked together, say. But being married is just... I don't want it.
Practically obviously it would be easier to stay together. Single parenting is hard. But it's certainly not right to stay together for solely practical reasons. I'm not scared of being alone, I really like it!

jibberjabber, I'm glad you made the right decision for you and found a fulfilling relationship. I'd quite like to feel like just friends with Dp, it would be an improvement!

Acrossthepond, good point, I need to be honest.

OP posts:

VoldysGoneMouldy · 19/01/2016 18:28

Years of abuse and traumatic experiences, I wouldn't take any crap now. If I was unhappy, and it couldn't be resolved, for whatever reason, I would leave, without a hesitation.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/01/2016 18:28

I think, too. In a way, it's only fair isn't it?

But here's something to ponder. We often take things and people for granted. We often take our own feelings about these things and people for granted, too. Things become 'everyday', like the air we breathe. We don't think about it, we don't appreciate it, but boy would we miss it if it was gone! I think before you tell him how you feel you may be wise to seek a few counseling sessions to truly examine your feelings.

You don't want to tell him you no longer love him, have him choose to leave (which would be his right), only to find that you do love him after all.

bozdog · 19/01/2016 18:30

For me I'd be ready to leave once the steam ran out of the relationship and I felt it was time to move on. I don't think it's necessary to have to find some big excuse to justify leaving and I'd been single for long enough before meeting DH that I'm not afraid of being on my own at all. I wouldn't wait until I was desperately unhappy, I have too much self respect to allow myself to get to that point.

Original poster

TheWitchsCat · 19/01/2016 18:59

Even with a child in the picture, bozdog?

I appreciate the shared parenting (though that comes with its own stress) but the rest? Not so much. Ive started going to bed really early and then pretending to be asleep when he comes up so I don't have to talk/cuddle etc. That is horrible, isn't it? I feel like a horrible person

OP posts:

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