desperate help needed

[dadneedshelp72]

Dear All,
Thanks for looking at my thread - any advice would be much appreciated !

My wife and I are currently separated.

She says that she needs " space " to find herself and that I should give her " time " before she will consider moving back to the family home.

She says that she still loves me and tells me there is no one else involved.

I'm worried that while she finds herself she will forget about me, how do I show her how much I care, and how much I miss her without " crowding " her.

I want us to rebuild our relationship and i'm scared that the longer we are apart the more difficult that will be.

M

Do you know what prompted this? Is it put of the blue, or has she been wanting a change to happen that hasn't? You say family home... Do you have kids? How old are they?

Essentially... We will prob need more information in order to suggested something (if anything) that might be appropriate.

Do you have children together?
Has she left them with you?
Is she a stay home parent?
If so then, you do lose yourself.

Sometimes you do need space.
She may say there is no-one else but if a woman can leave her kids behind I'd be suspicious.
She could also be depressed.
If you do have kids, how old are they?

Thankyou - Jasmine

What prompted it -
I was not as supportive as I should have been,
and I had let the house get in to poor decorative order

We both have children just not together.
I'm the sole parent for my daughter she lives with me full time
She has 2 children that she has joint custody of
They are all teenagers

We currently see each other once a week
My life is intolerable without her I think about her 24 / 7
I have been working on the house in my spare time to prove to her that I can make it into a "home"

Thankyou - Melons

She works 30 Hours per week
I work full time

Why don't you suggest couples counselling?

Little Legs

I suggested that when we were together - it didn't go down well

I'm REALLY scared that if I push too hard she will just sever all contact

Why wasn't she keen on the idea?

Maybe you just need to do what she says and give her space, but the problem is she isn't giving you what you need which is answers. She cant leave you hanging from a thread wondering what's going on. How is she on your weekly get togethers?

Sorry OP but she wants out. If she refuses counselling she's telling she's not interested in working on the relationship it's harsh but true. I've been that woman and it takes us a long time to get there but when we do we are usually entirely resolute.

Legs - thankyou

i'm worried that she will "forget" me
She says she still loves me
In our get togethers - They vary sometimes very cordial, sometimes stilted
We spent Christmas Eve together and New Years Eve
I have no sense of how its going
All I know Is I still love her and I want to make it work

ThreeFish - Thankyou, let's hope you are wrong

Being all over her is just going to push her further away, you need to show her what life is without you, and if she does forget you and is happier then you need to accept that. In the meantime while she's having space, why don't you try and figure out who you are without her too?

Legs - that's a terrifying thought, but thank you

I guess only time will tell

Keep working on the house - but do it for you and DD.

Personally I think a letter/email acknowledging that as much as you love her, you know things weren't right and you're sorry you didn't face up to it before.

List the things you know weren't right and how that must of made her feel, then explain how you'd like to change them (be specific).

Say you respect her need for space and won't bother her again but that you wanted her to know how much she is loved and appreciated and that you've been a fool but would like one last change because you think with the changes you'd like to make, and others she would like to try (and you'd love it if she could tell you), you think you could make her happy again.

I agree, that you can get to a point where you know there is no way back, and that trying again isn't going to help. If your wife is in that frame of mind there probably isn't a lot that you can do. The suggestions given of writing a letter and trying to get on with sorting out the house etc may help, but will help you feel better and that you have done what you could, and also getting your house sorted will be a positive thing in any event.

Silver - What is DD ?

Joys - thank you that sounds like a good idea

DD = Darling Daughter
DW = Darling Wife
Etc....

The only hope left would be for you to recognise what was wrong, acknowledge her hurt, apologise for her hurt, come up with solutions so she can see things could be different.

However, be clear that you respect her space and as much as you're scared it's over, her wishes for space are more important than your feelings.

hbMelons - ty

12 Purple - Thankyou

Joys - thank you - good advice

any other suggestions ?