what do people do

[Confusedmoney]

What do people do when they genuinely can't afford to break up? I know that sounds so naive (I've NC for this) - but I don't know what to do.

Obviously you check what benefits you're entitled to etc - but what if I actually can't afford the mortgage along with the extra childcare payments? Parents work so can't help with childcare - not married, house in my name so he doesn't have to pay the mortgage.

Genuinely, I don't see a way round selling my house if we break up & that would be just horrendous for the DC.

If all other avenues (benefits / maintenance etc) have been exhausted you have to downsize / move area.

Kids are resilient. It's not the ideal situation but its hardly life for death either.

Hoping others will come and comment. Do you honestly think you'll be worse of than the other women that separate?

Really hoping you get a few practical posts to help you

Is there room to take in a lodger to help with mortgage payments? Not ideal but I know people who have done it with a child

Do you know how much maintenance you would get from the (potential) ex?

Is there a cheaper childcare option e.g. Childminder rather than nursery?

Are there any other cutbacks you can make? Swap to shopping at Lidl, compare and swap all insurance and energy bills, cut out any unessential spending?

If after understanding all of this plus the benefits I'd be entitled to (tax credits, etc) I still couldn't meet the childcare and mortgage payments plus basic bills then I guess it would be a case of selling the home and downsizing or renting (if that was cheaper, it isn't always).

Not ideal but better than staying in a genuinely unhappy relationship I would have thought assuming you've tried everything to 'fix' it like relationship counselling.

Thanks all.

I know moving isn't the end of the world, we are just close to school/my mum etc. I've worked so hard to buy this house!

I think you're right in that I need to look at the whole budget. DD2 is only little so it's the childcare fees that really make a difference to be honest. I've been a single mum before so am good at meal planning/aldi shopping etc

It's not an abusive relationship but I'm just so unhappy, unsupported, he's done some texting other girls etc. It almost feels like I have to choose between my happiness or my DD happiness ATM. If I could afford it he'd be gone.

Also one other thing. Selling involves estate agent fees, solicitor etc. None of which I can afford - there's not even enough equity in the house really. Ugh.

Sorry for the moaning, I know there's a lot of people way worse off.

Would you be due maintenance from your partner if he left? Even if its you thats ending things, might your partner see a benefit in the DC being able to stay in the same house?

Could you rent your house out for a while and rent a smaller place on the proceeds, yielding a bit of extra income?

OP - children really are resilient. They can move schools and make new friends with ease. They are also very adaptable to situations where there is not much money. I am sure your DD will be happier if you are happier - try not to see it as a battle between your competing interests because I think any child is better off with a happy parent and little money than an unhappy parent.

There are costs involved with both renting out and renting. I doubt that'd be an option tbh

If the OP is considering this then feel free to PM and I'll list everything to consider.

I'm the main earner unfortunately so maintenance would be minimal. I just feel guilty!! But totally know if I'm happier they're happier - I've given that advice to friends so many times but can't quite seem to believe it when it's me!

I'll make a spreadsheet. But I'm sure however I look at it even with minimal costs the house has to go. I just need to not see it as the end of the world!

Thank you all for the help and advice. I guess I just needed it hear it - happy family is better than a house

Hi confused I felt the same panic chucking dds dad out. How would I pay childcare, do shift work, run the house etc? But do you know what? It was great. Dd was tiny but we fell into a routine. I got canny with money. We made batch cooking a fun thing we did together and when it looked like I might have had to sell we made looking at houses online a game. Thankfully I didn't but point is kids are happy when mummy is. Even my ex says dd has progressed so much since he went. I saved by not heating every room too. We " camped out " in mummys room with the portable dvd player at night with just that room warm. Dd loved it. Looking back I was exhausted and under so much pressure but they're happy memories. For me and for dd. My marriage wasn't. I know how scary it is. But unhappiness is way worse than fear of the unknown