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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Tell me how to handle this situation with DS dad

40 replies

Notgivingin789 · 08/01/2016 20:38

For the past couple of years, DS dad hasn't been consistent into having a relationship with DS, who is now 6. DS dad has had a lot of problems, he was made homeless a couple of years ago, which of course affected his relationship with DS (eg. Not seeing DS as much). DS dad now lives in a hostel, though children are not allowed to spend time at that specific hostel, which DS dad always uses as an excuse to not bother to see DS.

I was with DS dad since I was young (I was 14/15, he was 15/16) and looking back, I've just realised that our relationship wasn't normal. It was highly abusive and he will pester me all the time to have sex with him. I put more into the relationship, than he ever did and I can see that he took advantage of that. I thought he will change once DS was born, I couldn't of been any more wrong. Yes he "loved" his son, but he continued to treat me like I was his property, demanding sex from me, wasn't really there for me, but whenever he was in trouble I would be there for him 100% of the time. It was like I was looking after two kids. But then again, he was homeless around that period (he was homeless for almost 4 years, sleeping over at different friend's houses nearly every week), wasn't able to get a job, even though he was applying for jobs endlessly and I often excused his unfortunate circumstances to the way he was eg. Not being there for DS and I... but sex was something he always had time for.

DS dad, did manage to secure a job around when he was 21 and now ( though he has now been fired from his current job), but he wouldn't help DS financially. I think he felt that because I'm at Uni (getting grants, benefits etc) and I had a supporting family that helped me with DS, he felt that he didn't have to provide for his son. But he would often ask me to go out with him (without DS of course) and I would tell him a countless of times that I feel like that I and DS are living our own lives and his just....well just there in the background really. He often calls me to see how DS is doing, but that's about it, he hasn't yet taken the role of being a responsible father. He is now 23 almost 24 and his still the same douche bag. He currently sees DS now and again.

I do admit that he does ask to see DS, but he will often tell me that can he spend time with DS at my house. I do say "No" to him, only because thats where most of the domestic violence was happening and even though he is allowed to see DS in my home, I don't feel yet comfortable and of course he will be pestering me for sex. He also asks to take DS to school, but I became very dubious over this, simply because he asks me to come with him to take DS to school..and I know that when both of us drop DS to school, he will again try to persuade me to have sex with him. Basically, I want him to have a relationship with his son, but I refuse sometimes that he can't see DS as I'm trying to avoid him trying to ask me for sex (because he gets very angry if I refuse). I just want him to take DS out on specific days eg. once a week in Sundays. Though he will begin to say that he has no money to take DS out anywhere or he will make promises but will often break them.

So today, DS dad rings me and his asking about DS and so forth and of course the topic of sex comes up. I then tell him ( ignoring his sex question) that DS is now 6 and that he needs to develop a consistent relationship with is son. The excuses come up...like I've said above ^^ he told me that he will take DS to school for the rest of next week (I highly doubt it), he then told me that he was going to go on casual hook up sites and told me to fuck off and hanged up.

I've now realised that all these years he was just making excuses to not take on the responsibility of being a father. It didn't matter if he was homeless or not, or if he had no money, because when he did have money, he wouldn't help DS financially at all. Am I right in saying this?

I really really want to cut ties with this man for mine and DS own sanity, as you can tell it is so draining. Though, I can't as he is DS dad and I don't want to be blamed for not allowing DS dad to have a relationship with his son. So what should I do?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/01/2016 20:43

are you actually still sleeping with this deviant ?

Original poster

Notgivingin789 · 08/01/2016 20:45

Anyfucker No, I haven't slept with him for the past three months , I know...I know.

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 08/01/2016 20:45

Domestic violence was happening?
No contact.
He needs to have only supervised contact with your child in a safe place which isn't your home.
Contact a solicitor or CAB for advice.

Original poster

Notgivingin789 · 08/01/2016 20:45

I'm glad I kept strong for the three months though. But disgusted with myself that I kept giving in to his demands.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 08/01/2016 20:46

he is not fit to be a father

cut all contact

you owe him nothing... certainly not access to your body

if he has no fit place to see his son then he does not see him, the end

Original poster

Notgivingin789 · 08/01/2016 20:47

Wolfiefan Yes it was happening, he did have supervised contact and social services said that he can now see his son unsupervised.

OP posts:

TempusEedjit · 08/01/2016 20:47

Can you do handovers via a third party? Or a contact centre? Having said that if he was/is violent I'd question whether he should be having unsupervised contact at all.

As for the pestering for sex...words fail me. Maybe that's harassment you should be reporting? I'm sure a wiser MNetter will advise.

TempusEedjit · 08/01/2016 20:47

Cross posted

AnyFucker · 08/01/2016 20:48

thank your lucky stars he didn't impregnate you again

have you had a STI check ?

Original poster

Notgivingin789 · 08/01/2016 20:48

AnyFucker I'm so glad you said that , I didn't want DS..or if I went to court...have them blamed me for not allowing DS to have a relationship with his dad. But I so want to cut all contact, had to deal with this for years and i didn't tell anyone.

OP posts:

Original poster

Notgivingin789 · 08/01/2016 20:53

TempusEedjit I could do third party handovers, but my family hate him and I know they won't agree to it and he doesn't talk to his family. So I don't think a third party is an option. Yes, social services deemed that he is now allowed to have unsupervised contact with him...oops noticed you cross posted.

OP posts:

Hassled · 08/01/2016 20:55

You say in your OP "even though he is allowed to see DS in my home" - well, he isn't, is he? He's allowed to see him unsupervised, but that's not the same thing as him having any sort of right to enter your home.

Listen to AF - if he has no place to take DS then that's his problem and his alone. You've tried, and you can walk away knowing you did what you could.

Wolfiefan · 08/01/2016 20:56

Go back to social services with an update. This is unacceptable.
He needs to see your son only at a contact centre with an independent adult present.

AnyFucker · 08/01/2016 20:58

I don't imagine that SS would have made the decision he could see his son unsupervised if they knew what the cost to you was

Coerced sex is taken very seriously these days

TempusEedjit · 08/01/2016 20:58

What did SS have to say about him using child contact as an opportunity to harass you for sex? Surely that should have had some bearing?

Original poster

Notgivingin789 · 08/01/2016 21:00

Hassled Hmm you could be right...though I do remember them telling me that he can see DS in the home if I was comfortable. He hasn't seen DS in my home prior to the domestic abuse.

Wolfiefan I will give social services the update, hopefully they may come up with a solution.

OP posts:

Original poster

Notgivingin789 · 08/01/2016 21:02

AnyFucker and Tempus I haven't told anyone about the pestering for sex, I thought it was normal. Social services don't know anything about it, to be honest I also felt embarrassed telling them about it.

I just want to walk away from him, I really really do. I know DS dad will not agree to having supervised contact again.

OP posts:

queenofthepirates · 08/01/2016 21:06

I think the key is for you to make time to work on your confidence and self esteem rather than your son't relationship with his Dad. Not easy when you are a single mum (I know!) but it sounds as though you've had an awful time with this guy and he's done a lot of damage.

The obvious answer to his sex requests is to firmly explain that there will be no further sex and pestering and refusal anger will not be tolerated. That's easier said than done though. You could explain that if he makes a request for sex, you will cut personal contact and he will have to visit a contact centre to see your son. From what you've said, he doesn't have much self control so he's likely to ignore you but if you use a contact centre, it means you don't need to have any contact with him whatsoever. This might give you the break you need to heal and establish some boundaries. It's not forever but I think you need to put yourself first for a bit.

Hassled · 08/01/2016 21:11

I absolutely understand that it's going to be hard, but if telling them is what's needed to make this stop, then you need to tell them. And as for him not agreeing to supervised contact - that's not his call. It's not a case of him having a choice in the matter.

In the short term, stop answering the phone to him and don't reply to texts.

Original poster

Notgivingin789 · 08/01/2016 21:11

Queen You are totally right. I'll be firm, but I know what's going to come if I keep on refusing. He will accuse me of seeing other guys, he will come to my house to basically beat me up, he will make my life a living hell .

OP posts:

Original poster

Notgivingin789 · 08/01/2016 21:13

Hassled I will definitely do that! I was doing that before but felt guilty or worried that I may be accused of not allowing DS dad to have a relationship with his son.

OP posts:

TempusEedjit · 08/01/2016 21:16

You are allowing him way too much headspace. If your family hate him (with good reason it sounds) would they not support you in going no contact with him?

Do you have any records of his threats towards you, texts/emails etc?

TempusEedjit · 08/01/2016 21:20

I was doing that before but felt guilty or worried that I may be accused of not allowing DS dad to have a relationship with his son.

There comes a point at which it does more harm than good to encourage a relationship between a child and a violent, abusive adult just because they happen to be related.

As an adult I went no contact with my own parents for 15 years because of abuse - your DS is not old enough to make that decision for himself therefore you need to protect him. SS can't make the right decision if they're not aware of the full picture.

Original poster

Notgivingin789 · 08/01/2016 21:21

With no contact with him? Oh yes they will Tempus, they won't act as a third party for supervised contact though. Nope, no records, his only abusive when I'm speaking to him on the phone.

OP posts:

Original poster

Notgivingin789 · 08/01/2016 21:23

Your totally right Tempus. All those years it was so draining, so so draining. But I'm going to cut contact. I'm 21, I'm not going to spend the next 5 years dealing with this.

OP posts:

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