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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I feel nothing inside.

20 replies

Sonia2213 · 07/01/2016 23:05

A while ago my husband was chatting to another women I have no idea of the context etc but I later found out she was an escort. He denies doing any wrong just said it was friendly chat..... He also deleted texts from a young girl at work this was when our LO had just been born. It's been a year now and I cannot trust this man. My whole world feels numb and I'm utterly down and my head is spinning. He rarely wants sex with me, he had a huge porn obsession about 6 month back and I told him I'd leave if he didn't calm down and start paying me attention instead of himself. Still I have to ask for sex, when I do It lasts seconds and I know he knows I'm disappointed. But what do I do? I'm lonely and there's always an excuse, but as soon as he's got two seconds alone he's back to the porn. (Btw porn doesn't bother me it's just the amount) I can't believe a word he says or does, he also lies about money says he's paid off credit card etc when it's over 2 grand.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 07/01/2016 23:08

And you are still with him because... ?

Original poster

Sonia2213 · 07/01/2016 23:19

Selfish reasons like not wanting to share my LO, hopefully that doesn't make me sound awful but my LO is my whole world I couldn't be without. I'm a complete mug aren't I?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 07/01/2016 23:23

You already "share" a child with him. And that child growing up with this example of what a relationship looks like is very saddening.

RedMapleLeaf · 08/01/2016 06:46

I can see why you've stayed with him, given your worries about your child. However, I wonder if that decision is no longer working for you?

MississippiMud314 · 08/01/2016 06:56

Split up while your child is young. It is so much easier. It is hard of course but i didnt have to answer to the dc. I just had to 'cheerfully' announce what was happening.
It is worth starting again.

Original poster

Sonia2213 · 08/01/2016 08:48

The problem is I already have a child from previous relationship 7 year old and we have shared custody, he has him 1 week me the next. It's really difficult and I worry that it will be the same for our LO. I feel as though I've been trapped into all of this, my oh knows I only wanted another child and marriage with someone I would 'spend forever' with and trust, and i did. Until all this...

OP posts:

MoMoTy · 08/01/2016 09:04

Sorry you are going through this op
This man is treating you so badly, does he really think you will believe someone has friendly chats with an escort? Does he think you are that stupid? I agree, split up when the little one is younger it will be easier for them to adjust. You can't live this life with someone who shows you loud and clear he doesn't care for you.

pocketsaviour · 08/01/2016 09:09

So sorry OP but the situation sounds intolerable. If you stay with this man you will be teaching both your DC that marriage consists of one partner feeling lonely and being lied to, while the other does what they want. Not a healthy image of relationships for anyone!

Realistically, do you think your H would want 50/50 residence as with your older child? Or do you think he's more likely to just ask for EOW? By the sounds of it, he might feel a child would cramp his style

marzipanmaggie · 08/01/2016 09:10

Sorry to hear this, it sounds horrible.
But Mississippi is right. This relationship sounds doomed and frankly the younger the kid/s are when you split the easier it will be for everyone. If you do it now your LO will accept it and make peace with it fairly fast as long as you and your OH are civil to one another and your OH maintains the relationship.

If you drag it on another 5-10 years it will be far harder on your child and on you. And do you want to spend the rest of your life in this miserable environment? From what you've said here, there's no way its going to get any better.

I went through similar 8 months ago. After having dithered for nearly two years as to whether to leave. My life isn't particularly easy now but I have absolutely no regrets and more importantly my DC is fine.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/01/2016 09:11

I'm sorry this happening to you.
You know what you need to do.
Please get to your GUM clinic and get yourself tested for STI/STD's
You know what's happening her but you don't want to face up to it.
He's an absolute arsehole and you need him out of your life.

Original poster

Sonia2213 · 08/01/2016 09:19

Thanks for the replies, I already got an STD check as soon as I found out. The thing is this escort is in his old circle of friends which makes me think he's either visited her before or he was just talking to her because he was interested.... I'm unsure when he will want our LO as he works quite a lot to be fair, so he would probably only be to do two days a week or something. I'd rather he didn't but that's my selfishness coming into it. He doesn't understand how I can't get over all this cause it was a while back now....

OP posts:

meiisme · 08/01/2016 09:24

It's not a while back though, is it? He is still treating you with disrespect, not being the loving partner you deserve. Why would you get over it all if you are still living with it?

marzipanmaggie · 08/01/2016 09:28

If you can't get over it OP that's for good reason. He can't expect you just to drop it to order. If he's really serious about you and the relationship and your family he should be moving heaven and earth to reassure you. If he's not, then you are right not to be able to get over it.

Listen to your gut, which is telling you that you no longer trust him and no longer have faith in the relationship.

MississippiMud314 · 08/01/2016 09:32

Also, the younger a child is when you split, the harder work it is, so my x was very reluctant to take the dc at all when we split. the solicitor's letters were talking about 50:50 but when he turned up at my mum's house (me hiding out the back) and my mum gave him the double buggy and the nappy bag, he looked like he was going to die, and cry. My mum was smart enough! It was torture for me, but we called his bluff and told him he could have the children AS OFTEN as he wanted them. My mum had her hand over my mouth. She handle the negotiations. It worked. he backed off. Suddenly the solicitor was agreeable that we could arrange access in an ad hoc manner to fit in around his work social life, ski trips

Original poster

Sonia2213 · 09/01/2016 11:57

He hides everything when he's at work he uses a private browser on his phone and deletes everything, wtf is he doing while at work? Surely not watching porn???

OP posts:

Robotgirl · 09/01/2016 13:59

If you stay with this man you will be teaching both your DC that marriage consists of one partner feeling lonely and being lied to, while the other does what they want.

This ^^

Robotgirl · 09/01/2016 14:05

I had a similar experience with my ex. Won't go into detail but when DD was 15 months I realised I'd started to 'disappear' as I was so lonely & he was doing what the fuck he wanted. I made the decision to end it. The enormous weight was lifted & the knot in my stomach vanished. No more sitting around worrying about what he's up to on his devices or who he's meeting up with. Can just focus on me & DD now.
I didn't want DD growing up seeing how dysfunctional our relationship was. She now has two homes & two parents who can focus on her, not the frustrations & darkness of a shit relationship.

MississippiMud314 · 09/01/2016 14:51

Oh yeh, years back now but I started to feel like my reactions were automated. I started wondering what do I think of that, how do I feel about x, y or z. I'd no idea because for so long I'd modified my behaviour and censored my thoughts and bent over so far backwards to please Him that my back broke and still he told me I wasn't supportive enough

I'd even started to develop a very slight slutter whenever I had to express an OPINION

Original poster

Sonia2213 · 10/01/2016 10:42

Everyday I see this private browser up what do I do I can't ask him?

OP posts:

RiceCrispieTreats · 10/01/2016 10:54

You don't need to ask him anything.

You only need to ask yourself whether this is the marriage you want to be in.

Flip