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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Bloody bastarding idiot

25 replies

SilverdaleGlen · 06/01/2016 11:51

Doing it here so I calm before speaking to him, although scared he'll see it here too seeing as I've deleted my profile once.

H is ill, MH issues yet not seeking treatment.

I got a new phone for xmas, didn't need one. Now find out the contract is in addition to my current one, at a total cost of £77 a month for another 2 years. He's run up 000s in debt so I already only have a disposable income of £200 a month for food and fuel for me and 3 kids and that's before the 500 a month I owe nursery to be able to be the only one fucking working, as he cant watch the DCs.

No tax credits now as he's not working and they say I owe them 000s from a miscalculation too.

What the effing Jeff am I supposed to do?

OP posts:

ohdearlord · 06/01/2016 11:54

How long is the period where you can return it and cancel the contract?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 06/01/2016 11:56

Kick the fucker out?

ImperialBlether · 06/01/2016 11:57

Are you married to him? Are these debts in his name alone? If so, I'd leave him. I couldn't live with someone who runs up debts like that.

pocketsaviour · 06/01/2016 11:57

Has he taken the contract out in your name? If so I would call the provider and let them know its been done fraudulently.

Do you have a joint bank account?

Original poster

SilverdaleGlen · 06/01/2016 12:00

He's not here to kick out! And anyway he will then have no one to help him, will top himself and leave me and my kids bloody destroyed. These aren't rational choices but how do I stop it??

Called EE and they did say try to take it back to store and beg. Awesome. Only it's not in my name alone so can't unless he comes. Which means I need to confront. Which leads us back to his MH issues.

I feel like a rat in a trap.

OP posts:

Original poster

SilverdaleGlen · 06/01/2016 12:04

Not all in my name, we are married though and jointly own a property so his debts will = me losing my house that I paid for. So I feel like I can't stop him or walk away. Plus I still love him when he's him. But not this bit. I hate this bit.

Coming to the rapid conclusion that this could be bi-polar.

If you do see this DH I do love you but you are killing me and I need a place to talk I'm sorry.

OP posts:

riodances27 · 06/01/2016 12:29

So sorry I can't offer any advice just to tell you I've got a friend whose husband had parkinsons. She was afraid to leave him alone because she said part of his illness lead to grandiose spending - not sure if that's true or not.

They were in serious financial trouble. I would beg and plead anyone. You deserve help. I'd hope the NHS can help.

GoodStuffAnnie · 06/01/2016 12:31

Right, you will feel better if you are organised. Even if the situation is dire you will feel in control.

Can you have a day off of work, get a friend to have them or relatives? If not just get them in bed early or put a movie on. You need a few hours to get organised. Get all your paperwork together.

Write a to do list and to call list.

Create a spreadsheet. Incomings and outgoings. See where you are at. I know it's trite but meal plan if you can. Everyone feels better when meals are planned and tummys are full.

GoodStuffAnnie · 06/01/2016 12:33

Also don't let him have any cards. Cash only.

If he gets a diagnosis you will be able to claim benefits. You know him best would this motivate him to go to the doctors?

aprilanne · 06/01/2016 12:34

the advice to just kick him out is not a good one .i would try to seperate your finances .just give a certain amount of money each week when its gone its gone .he needs to get help for mh issues i understand believe me when my hubby in manic phase of bi polar he used to buy cars constantly .tried to buy flats to rent bits of land its a nightmare .you must control the finances other wise it will just get worse

DoreenLethal · 06/01/2016 12:35

Don't you have to have a credit check for contracts though? Have you opened and used it? If you send it back unopened and unused then don't they have to accept it?

Cachareltastic · 06/01/2016 12:37

are you within the 14 days period where you can get out of the contract?

mum2mum99 · 06/01/2016 12:37

The citizen advice bureau can be quite helpful. To help you plan ahead as GoodStuffAnnie says and check out what else you could do.
It sounds like some kind of boundaries are needed. He also need to look after his MH (ultimatum) or to be show the door...

RatherBeRiding · 06/01/2016 12:44

Does he accept he has MH issues? That needs addressing urgently. If he won't see his GP then you need to go and ask for help. I think you'll find that because it's MH, you will be able to access help/assessment for him without his consent. You mentioned that you feared he would harm himself - mental health professionals take suicidal feelings very seriously. Has he actively expressed thoughts of harming himself?

As an aside, if professionals do diagnose MH you may be able to use that to end the contact, but you DO need to seek help for the MH issues first.

GruntledOne · 06/01/2016 12:47

How can it be in your name, even partly, if you didn't agree to it?

TheJiminyConjecture · 06/01/2016 12:51

You can buy out a contract. Just the phone part (e.g. the loan for the handset that makes up part of each monthly bill). Could you sell one of the phones to help fund it?

We recently cancelled a contract with o2. Had to pay remaining months x £15. Sold the phone back to them via their recycling scheme (avoided eBay fees) and broke even.

Obviously this doesn't help with his MH issues but it might be a practical way to solve one of the problems.

SnowyBumbles · 06/01/2016 12:53

He can't accept a contract on your behalf, so if the contract has your name on, without your consent the shop that sold him it will have either grossly broken strict rules regards giving credit or your dh will have had to have forged your name and had someone there pretending to be you....if the first a call of complaint to the financial ombudsman, if the latter a call to the local police station.

I can't remember how but I know a friend of mine when going through some major mental health illness signed up for certain credit and it was later wiped, contract cancelled as he was not of sound mind to be able to enter into a legally binding contract.

Wolpertinger · 06/01/2016 13:12

Grandiose ideas, over the top spending and suicidal ideas does sound a lot like bipolar.

If he will not seek help but he is a danger to himself or others then you may need to seek help for him - it is not unusual for people to need to be sectioned when they are first diagnosed as they do not se that they have a problem.

Original poster

SilverdaleGlen · 06/01/2016 13:12

tbh the mobile is the most manageable tip of a huge iceberg, I'm focusing on the wrong things.

Rather yes he has admitted to suiicidal thoughts when down. But then he's up again.

April he has bought cars too! How did you get your DH to seek help?

My DH knows he's not right but doesn't believe anyone can help. I can't force him, I can't coerce him, I can't abandon him.

I have a good list if outgoing do and I comings, makes for bleak reading and at the moment my parents are feeding us.

I don't know why I wrote really I know logically if I can't get him to seek help we can't financially or emotionally stay together which breaks my heart.

OP posts:

Original poster

SilverdaleGlen · 06/01/2016 13:13

Wolper how does that work? What evidence do you need? What do you do?

OP posts:

GruntledOne · 06/01/2016 13:17

I'm afraid if he won't get help for this you have little choice but to leave him, otherwise he will drag you down with him.

TheCarpenter · 06/01/2016 13:19

I can't abandon him You can leave him if it's what's best for you and your children.

if I can't get him to seek help That is NOT your job. You can offer to help him get help, but it is his choice. If you are unhappy with his choice or lack of you CAN leave if it's what you want to do.

Threatening suicide is not a reason to stay with someone. It's controlling, even if it's not meant that way.

Supporting a partner through MH issues is something we may all face one day. I'd like to think most would stand by their partner and help them. However, if the partner is refusing to seek help and their actions are having a negative effect on the family I would not blame someone for leaving.

RatherBeRiding · 06/01/2016 13:21

You need to contact your GP as a first port of call. The GP can request a MH assessment from the local psychiatric service if your DP won't seek help himself. If necessary an assessment team can come out to see him at home. If they feel he needs to be hospitalised and he won't agree he, as Wolper said, can be sectioned under the Mental Health Act. Not nearly as drastic as it sounds. He needs help. No, you can't coerce him or force him down to his GP. But you CAN and really should request help on his behalf from the GP.

Its not for you to provide the evidence or to make that decision. You request help. The local psychiatric team will assess him and make any decisions they feel necessary. As his Nearest Relative (within the meaning of the MH Act) your views will be sought. (I used to work in MH.)

Good luck, and don't delay. If he really has a serious MH issue, it won't get better on its own.

RatherBeRiding · 06/01/2016 13:28

www.rethink.org/.../are-you-worried-about-someones-mental-heal...

Try this link. This is a really useful website and this factsheet is very helpful.

wallywobbles · 06/01/2016 13:36

I think you need real debt advice. What you feel strong enough to face up to that? With or without him in tow? Can you take all the cards off him. My ex had a gambling problem and never had access to our joint account, apart from a paying in book.

I think there are three questions you need to answer:
What can you do?

What are you prepared to do?
What will he accept you doing?

Answer those and then we can all help you with the beginnings of a plan.

Flip