so dreading my sister coming - need a sense of perspective! Long sorry.

[xmasangst]

Changed my name for this; I'm a semi-regular and it may be clear who I am but covering my tracks just in case...

My sister is coming for Christmas and I'm working myself up into such a state about it... we have a really bad relationship, but one that is on the surface supposed to be great IYSWIM, though we both know it's not. I am the successful, happy one with a man and a lovely DS and she is depressed, single, desperate for a family and very resentful. Since i had DS it has got harder. She does this weird combination of trying to get my approval with loads of excessive presents, trying non-stop to help around the house in a way I wish she wouldn't, sucking up to me and constantly telling me how great I am, and slagging herself off (drives me mad), and at the same time making nasty digs at me and making me feel guilty all the time. It is a bit single white female - she's always saying she wants to do her make-up like me, get into the same line of work as me etc. and inside I'm screaming "F*CK OFF, leave me alone!"

I know all this sounds trivial, and it would be except that I feel she is sooooo delicate and on the edge that I can't be honest with her and say "oh shut up, enough of the guilt trips" etc. This is why I bloody invite her, because it means so much to her to come and to see DS etc and because I am terrified that if I'll reject her I'll push her over the edge. This year she has been more depressed than ever and my worst fear - I know how extreme this sounds - is that she will get like one of those killer dads and kill herself and DS to get back at me. I know I must sound mad but I'm getting myself into such a state and trying to think of excuses for how I can sleep in DS's room while she's here and so on. DP thinks I'm daft and I can see his point - but she's been violent and abusive to me in the past (basically whenever I didn't give her my approval or tried to reject her - admittedly a long time ago now) and I really am scared of her.

I don't know if anyone can help, or has even read this far! - thanks if you have. Just need to let it out really.

what was the exact nature of the violence and abuse in the past and how old were you both at the time?

As someone who has finally made the break from having to deal with my neurotic sister, then I know what you mean. And no, you are not getting things out of proportion.

In my opinion and experience, things will eventually come to a head. Whatever form this takes, you need to make sure your DS is safe.

My DD is a teenager and my sister still manipulates her and uses her to get at me through her.

We are now in our 30s, the worst time was during our teens when I was trying to break away from our (very duysfunctional) family and she being a bit younger was getting left behind. I remember she used to chase me around the house, grab me, hit me, throw shoes etc at me and scream in my face and I was constantly trying to get away from her. We have patched things up off and on over the years and there is this big myth that I'm the only family member who cares about her. Basically, to get a bit pop psychology about it, I was like a mother two my two sisters (her and another much younger one) and I still feel that she wants me to be her mother - she wants to both take out her frustrations on me and for me to approve of her and make everything OK for her.

More recently it has just been verbal abuse eg once when she was into NLP (she can be quite faddy) I told her in an email I was not interested and did not want her to keep trying to evangelise to me about it. I got a tirade of really nasty abuse back, but only verbal and she did later apologise.

I realise I must sound uncaring. She's my sister and she's depressed, I feel I ought to be looking after - but that's the problem, I feel so oppressed by a sense of guily and duty about it all that I just want to back away...

Can you elaborate on the violence?.
Truthfully though... if i was that scared of having someone in my home.
I wouldn't.
I know she is your sister...but if i had reason to be that scared (which i'm assuming that you do) then i would only see her on my terms.

sorry x posted

NLP? What's that?

If I was scared that someone would harm my child then they wouldn't get over my doorstep.

Neuro-Linguistic Programming - it's one of those sort of self-help/business-speak regimes, based on pseudo-science. Some people swear by it but it has aspects of cultishness and "if you doubt any of what we're saying you're a loser who refuses to accept the truth" about it and it always freaked me out.

Yes...she is your sister not your daughter
support her yes...but not 'look after'

The thing is, it's not that clear whether my fears are reasonable or completely mad, IYSWIM. I'm getting worked up into a paranoid state and letting my imagination run to its worst extremes. She hasn't actually ever done anything of that kind - she was physically abusive to me when we were teenagers, she can't take criticism of any kind and she's depressed. From one point of view, she's kind of just neurotic and miserable. From another, maybe she could flip, but it's hard to tell how rational I'm being. I'm sure she'd be horrified if she knew how I felt.

I can see that you are concerned, but the violence bit, she was a teenager then - do you think there really is a chance she'd behave like this now?

Sympathise as my 'baby' sister turned into a raging termagent during a family holiday last year and tried to force me out of the house - completely unbelieveable behaviour from someone who has always looked up to her big sisters and been very affectionate. So I know sisters can cause a huge scene, IYSWIM. (We were late back from a day sight-seeing and we had the house keys so she'd had to wait for us.)

On a practical level, can you move ds into your room for the duration? Pretend you are short of spare rooms (use one as an office these days/spare room is a tip, sorry, we've put you in ds's and he'll come in with us).

Thanks everyone by the way. Edam, that might work - thank you. Or I could just lie and say DS is sleeping badly and needs to sleep with us at the moment - though will need to get DP on side!