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Original poster

Dh went off the rails??

27 replies

ICanSeeForMiles · 05/01/2016 01:09

Having a chat tonight, background, dh is self employed, I am sahm.
Long story short, I brought up having another baby at some time. We currently have two dc, 7 and 4 and I am planning on going back to work this year when youngest at school. So I brought up the possibility of having another dc at some point in the future. Dh goes mental, I know he's self employed, has a hard working day, I don't deny that. However I just brought it up, now he's in the spare room having gone bonkers. WTF???????

OP posts:

goddessofsmallthings · 05/01/2016 02:42

It seems that he doesn't want another dc at the present time and he's most probably resorted to the spare room in order to stop himself doing anything that could result in a further addtion to your family.

He may have been looking forward to you returninng to work and sharing some of the financial burden of providing for your family. Perhaps he considers your family complete and has banked on you returning to work as extra money coming in will provide for holidays/home improvements/uni fund for the dc etc, or enable him to ease up a little as being self-employed can be hard work on many levels.

I'm curious as to why you chose to raise this particular subject after he'd had a hard working day rather than at a time when he was rested and relaxed?

RudeElf · 05/01/2016 02:52

Was he violent or aggressive? What do you mean went off the rails?

angelicjen · 05/01/2016 03:27

Is it something you've discussed before? Did he think you were stopping at 2? Has he enjoyed being a dad to small kids?

TheFuzz · 05/01/2016 03:45

For most folk, if you had already planned on returning to work after the second was at school it would send mixed messages if you then turned round and talked about more. Fortunately we did only plan 2 kids but adding in a third or more can meet big changes (house/car etc) and cost. I can appreciate it could come as a shock. But going off the rails possibly an over reaction

TooSassy · 05/01/2016 06:29

He's supported the family financially while the DC's were not in school. That's a lot of pressure for some people.

When you say that you planned to return to work once they were in school that does implicate that you guys are done with baby making. Otherwise it's another 5ish years of you being a SAHM.

If this was out of the blue after a long day at work, I'd probably be and too. Possibly a bit extreme to go off the rails but in his shoes this is a potential huge moving of the goal posts .

firesidechat · 05/01/2016 09:30

He didn't go off the rails. That saying means something else entirely - taking drugs, having an alcohol problem, staying out all night in bad company.

In what way did he go bonkers and had you ever agreed on how many children you would have?

SirBoobAlot · 05/01/2016 09:46

What do you mean he went "mental"?

hellsbellsmelons · 05/01/2016 10:10

How is he this morning?
He could have just said - no way - I don't want anymore.
So what do you mean, he went mental?

Kintan · 05/01/2016 10:12

Maybe he was upset as he realised that he saw your future one way - double income, baby days over, but you saw it another - reduced income for another few years, more baby stage years etc. It's a pretty big departure from your plans to return to work to then say out-of-the-blue (to him) that you want another child. But what do you exactly mean by 'off the rails'?

Nonidentifyingnc · 05/01/2016 10:13

You have every right to bring up any topic you like for discussion, without him going off on one. That is totally unacceptable behaviour. It is not the 1950s, where women were expected to tiptoe around their husbands.

He is a grown up. Hard day or not, he should be capable if having a conversation!

Arfarfanarf · 05/01/2016 10:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Joysmum · 05/01/2016 10:20

So you are just about to the stage where you can start bringing in another income and then suddenly you're wanting another 4-5 years of being single income with the additional pressures of another baby and then another 5 years on top of your current youngest before they new addition is ready to leave home too.

Unless he did actually 'go off the rails', I can understand his distress.

Nonidentifyingnc · 05/01/2016 10:24

He doesn't have to agree, but buggering off the spare room in a strop is hardly adult behaviour.

GnomeDePlume · 05/01/2016 12:38

Of course we dont know how the OP actually framed this, we dont know what state the DH's business is in, we dont know how he actually reacted.

Going off in a strop isnt mature behaviour. Equally suddenly deciding to raise an issue which could totally change the financial security of the family at the end of a hard working day doesnt fall into the bracket of 'thoughtful' or 'considerate'.

Nonidentifyingnc · 05/01/2016 13:35

People who work full time must expect to have conversations in the evening when they get home. I don't think that women should have to pick their moment for fear of their husband's reacting badly. If he is tired/stressed etc, there are polite ways of him delaying a conversation. The OP is not a mind reader.

Original poster

ICanSeeForMiles · 05/01/2016 13:36

Sorry have just come back to this.
Agree re title wording, he didn't 'go off the rails' but his reaction was disproportionate.

This isn't the first time it's been brought up, indeed it was lightly discussed about a week ago. Apparently though he thought I was 'kidding'

Yes, it did go along the lines of 'so dear, I was thinking I would like to have another child' cue reaction of 'aaargh can't believe this, thought you were kidding, no way, we've enough on our plates blah blah blah I'm off to the spare room'

For what it's worth, I wasn't saying I want to have another child tomorrow, or even this year. I'm happy to go back to work first and then think about it but he was just being an arse in my opinion.
Because it was mentioned the other week I was just making my position clear on what I feel I want in our future.

OP posts:

Arfarfanarf · 05/01/2016 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

prettywhiteguitar · 05/01/2016 13:42

For what it's worth dh had quite a reaction to the first time I brought up having a third (he didn't sleep in the spare room though) and we had our third last year. It probably took about two years of discussion and actually our financial circumstances improved.

It's a lot more work and I actually have to be organised now rather than winging it

prettywhiteguitar · 05/01/2016 13:43

Let him settle down and explain why he reacted the way he did. He might be having more stress at work than he's letting on, Jan is an awful month

Original poster

ICanSeeForMiles · 05/01/2016 13:44

I know, my face was like this
It's fair enough, and if he doesn't want another, then there will be no 3rd child. Although he has said in the past if we knew we would have a daughter then there would be no question he would go for it
He's much calmer (and apologetic) today.

OP posts:

Original poster

ICanSeeForMiles · 05/01/2016 13:48

To be honest I think the only problem he has at work is that he has too much and struggles to fit it all in the week. He's just had 2.5 weeks off and isn't back until Friday and has had umpteen lie ins and nights out so is probably the most chilled he's been in a long time. Ah we'll just need to see what the next few years bring.
We've not long moved to a much bigger more centrally located house (which admittedly needs a fair bit of modernising) but we've plenty of space now. And if I'm honest I don't want to have a 7 or 8 year gap between my two youngest.

OP posts:

Shutthatdoor · 05/01/2016 13:53

We've not long moved to a much bigger more centrally located house (which admittedly needs a fair bit of modernising) but we've plenty of space now. And if I'm honest I don't want to have a 7 or 8 year gap between my two youngest.

So you've taken on more financial responsibility on one income with the thought you were going back to work, now you say you want another child.

TempusEedjit · 05/01/2016 14:00

Maybe he saw it as you moving somewhere with plenty of space so that the four of you could enjoy having plenty of space?

Original poster

ICanSeeForMiles · 05/01/2016 14:02

Not at all Shutthatdoor, we've gone from a private rent to a mortgage and we're £200 a month better off just for doing that.

OP posts:

MoMoTy · 05/01/2016 14:03

Completely understand his reaction. The entire financial burden was placed on him and now that he sees the end , you bring up another child. It's a lot of pressure and stress being the sole provider so even if things did turn around he might not want to ever go back to that again. It's clear he doesn't want more kids.

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