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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Facebook question

27 replies

jillyarmeen16 · 28/12/2015 22:43

If you send someone you are not friends with a message do they get it? Does it go to others folder? Will I know when they see it? Sent a couple of messages today that don't appear to have been read? Just a little arrow no tick.

OP posts:
TokenGinger · 28/12/2015 22:45

Yeh they go to a separate folder. Depending on whether they have the Facebook messenger app installed or not depends on whether they'll be notified.

I have Facebook messenger so I get a notification saying "You have a message request, would you like to read it?"

But my mum doesn't have messenger and only accesses it via her laptop so only sees it when online on a computer.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/12/2015 22:48

There's a new feature that means it'll deliver and tell the person that you've messaged them and what the message says, but they'll need to accept the message for it to show you that it's been read.

So it could be that they haven't seen the message, or that they read it but didn't want to show you that they had. Facebook is a poor platform for messaging people whom aren't your friends.

Original poster
jillyarmeen16 · 28/12/2015 22:50

So they could have read but not accepted but I wouldn't know? I'm guessing unless in others folder one has been seen.
To elaborate I found out my dp has been having an affair today. I've messaged the ow and someone else.

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 28/12/2015 22:52

Her husband?

Original poster
jillyarmeen16 · 28/12/2015 22:52

No her mother

OP posts:
CalleighDoodle · 28/12/2015 22:55

Why her mother? How old is she?

Original poster
jillyarmeen16 · 28/12/2015 22:58
  1. I don't know why. Maybe lashing out maybe wanting some consequence for her probably because I think it might make a difference to if they end up together.
OP posts:
JonesTheSteam · 28/12/2015 23:06

How old are you and your dp?

So sorry you're going through this.

How are you feeling?

Alwayslonging · 28/12/2015 23:07

They have to accept the message to read it

CalleighDoodle · 28/12/2015 23:07

Your husband is a dick. She is a silly girl who will kost likely get bored of him very soon. Lashing out only makes you look bad. Rise above it and make sure he is gone.

Flowers
LineyReborn · 28/12/2015 23:09

I'm so sorry. That must be a horrible shock.

Original poster
jillyarmeen16 · 28/12/2015 23:11

I'm 30 he's mid 30s. He's gone. Gone 10 minutes after I found out. I feel devestated. He's minimising and denying. I don't feel like it can really be happening.

OP posts:
JonesTheSteam · 28/12/2015 23:13

I'm so sorry. Sad

Do you have children together?

Original poster
jillyarmeen16 · 28/12/2015 23:15

Not together one each from previous. Stupid stupid idiot. We were engaged. She knew.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/12/2015 23:18

They don't need to accept the message to read it. I've had some from my family, and tested this with my friends to make sure. I can see the contents of the message but as long as I don't click "Accept", they don't get notified that I read it.

It's been this way for at least three weeks, originally I thought it was a glitch but I suspect Facebook will make seeing if your message was read a chargeable feature instead.

Regardless, I'm sorry, OP. I don't think it'd do you any good to fixate on the messages and as you'll never know if they've been seen anyway, I'd try and put them to the back of your mind and focus on your husband. You're unlikely to get any answers, or comfort, from OW or her mother.

Is he sorry? Is he giving you the space you need right now?

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/12/2015 23:19

Cross posts. I'm so sorry. You might be glad, one day, that he's shown you what a spineless duck head he is, but I expect that won't help right now.

Original poster
jillyarmeen16 · 28/12/2015 23:24

Thank you. Not sure how sorry he is really. He's not trying to win me round. He knows I can't forgive lies and betrayal. I deserve better than a relationship with someone so weak and stupid and fickle. I've got all the space I need he's gone with most of his stuff. Will probably see him once more for last few bits then that's it. Over.
Our wedding day will pass by and it will be like none of it was real.
Apparently it's over between them. So he's thrown away our life for nothing. I think that's worse than if he went to her. But maybe he has. He's a liar.

OP posts:
Original poster
jillyarmeen16 · 28/12/2015 23:26

Yes I'm glad that I found out now rather than later. It's over already, clean break no paperwork at least.

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 28/12/2015 23:27

Yes, he's a liar. It's a horrible realisation.

SoThatHappened · 28/12/2015 23:45

Sorry can I hijack?

Is messenger seperate from facebook?

Someone blocked me on facebook but they remain as a contact on messenger. How is that?

CalleighDoodle · 28/12/2015 23:45

At least he went easily. In a year's time youll think this was the beat thing he could have done. Better to know now than after your wedding.

sykadelic · 29/12/2015 01:05

SoThatHappened Did you send them a message? If so they're not actually a "contact" so much as a message history. Delete or "archive" the chat history and they won't be able to see it.

Original poster
jillyarmeen16 · 29/12/2015 02:38

It hurts that he went so easily. He didn't even try. Not that trying would have changed my mind. I still feel like I don't know everything. He's denying. I don't know how to start being ok with him not being here when days ago I thought we were forever. None of it makes sense. I feel like I'm being spun around.

OP posts:
SoThatHappened · 29/12/2015 03:22

No, that is the thing, we have never messaged each other via Facebook. There has never been any chat history to delete.

They showed up as a contact and they blocked me on facebook. I cant see their profile on facebook but they remain as a contact in messenger.

CalleighDoodle · 29/12/2015 11:16

jilly it will just come to you in time. Make some fun plans with friends so you have things to look forward to. It will make the dark time pass more quickly.

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