The affair that won't go away

[Icecreamman]

I discovered my wife was having an affair 2 years ago. I also found it wasn't the first time with the same man. For the good of our family I decided to remain together and work to re-build the trust. Despite promise after promise, I keep finding out she is still contacting him. As far as I can tell, they haven't met during the last 2 years but they keep in touch and I found just before Christmas, my wife had sent him a gift (he lives quite a long way away and is married). When I discuss this with my wife she doesn't seem to think she is doing anything wrong but it's driving me crazy. Is she right or am I reacting the right way.

No, she's way out of order. You need to LTB.
Sorry you're being treated like this

The fact that your wife sent him a gift would suggest she is still having an emotional affair with him, if not a full on affair, but from what you've said I think it is probably the later.

If I were you I would end the marriage.

Sorry.

*latter

I don't think there is much hope if she refuses to acknowledge how deeply hurtful and innapropriate sending her affair partner an Xmas gift is.

Does his wife know?

Not as far as I know

Your unfaithful wife should be knocking herself out working to "rebuild the trust". If she's not willing to cut all ties to a man she's committed adultery with on more than one occasion then it would appear that her feelings for him outweigh any she has for you.

Does his wife know that they're still in contact and what gift did he send/give your wife?

She knows perfectly well that she's doing something wrong, she's simply taking the piss.
Clearly she gives little in the way of a shit about you & your marriage/family, why are you accepting this behaviour?
I too would call it a day.

She doesn't think there's anything wrong in it because she doesn't want there to be anything wrong; she wants to see herself as a nice person, so is pretending to both of you that her actions are fine.

When you decided to stay, was there any kind of joint decision?

My husband hid the gifts in a bag in the garage, found them by accident later when I was clearing up.

You are acting like a doormat.

She has no interest in making this right, does she ?

I find it hard to imagine forgiving my dp of an affair. Even if, in some alternate reality, I could forgive such a monumental breach of the whole point of my choosing him, it would have to involve guaranteed zero contact with the person they cheated with.

You say it's the affair that won't go away. It won't go away because your wife doesn't want it to.

That should tell you everything you need to know

You need to decide whether it's worth keeping together, in the knowledge she will never see what's wrong.

There is absolutely no reason for her to be in contact with him, at all, unless she needs to be for work (in which case it should be minimal, and work only, contact; or unless they are related somehow.

Does she want to remain in the marriage? Or is it the case that her life would be made much more difficult if she left? Sometimes people try to cling on to a partner who wants out by threatening to get custody of the children and stop the departing partner from seeing them, or to punish the partner financially - it's never a good idea to coerce someone into maintaining a relationship when they would rather leave.

Or is it the case that he won't leave his relationship and she is just biding her time with you until he does? Either way, you can choose to end your marriage and walk away: you don't have to keep accepting the fact that she prefers someone else.

I'm not sure, a bottle of something I think

Tell her you are going to contact his wife and tell her about the present, her reaction will tell you everything.
Tbh I think you are waiting your time with her.

Wasting

Thank you all for your messages. I know you all think I'm being total doormat but despite everything, I still love her and I desperately want to keep my family together. I just hope I can :(

It was a joint decision to stay together

YOU can't!!!
YOU didn't do anything wrong.
SHE did.
She should be doing everything in her power to make you feel secure but she is just not doing that. In fact she seems to be blatantly rubbing your nose in it all.
HER actions are not of someone trying to fix things. You cannot keep a relationship together on your own. It takes two and she clearly doesn't give a shit about you or your feelings.
STOP being a doormat.
Ask her to leave so you can gather your thoughts together and find out what you want and what you need to do.
That might put the rocket up her arse that she clearly needs.
Pack her things and throw her out for a week. Then you two can have a chat and decide what you want to do.
You need it on your terms though.

I'm grateful for all your comments. I may be crazy but I'm trying to work things out - for the sake of my children