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Relationships

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Original poster

Moving on... any experiences with becoming friends with OW?

20 replies

YesNoMaybeSo1234 · 23/12/2015 17:40

Ex DP and his now DP who was OW have now been together for over a year. Over the next few months there are several occasions where we will all be in attendance. I have met her 2 or 3 times over the past few months and we have spoken very politely and she has made it clear to myself and ex dps family that she is sorry for the way everything happened and his family seem to be warming to her. Our DC have been introduced.

So I guess my question is, has anyone ever eventually let go of the past and become friendly with people who have previously been enemies? I would like to at some point for dc sake. And I'm done with all the awkwardness.

OP posts:

momb · 23/12/2015 17:54

We aren't friends but are civil to each other and do chat. She is kind to my children and that is my main focus. Further she has to cope with xH and all his doings so I feel a bit sorry for her TBH.

jayho · 23/12/2015 18:02

yes, we get on fine, our kids are friends. As momb says she has to put up with exh's twattery now

springydaffs · 23/12/2015 18:10

After only a year?

OllyBJolly · 23/12/2015 18:13

Wouldn't say we got to be friends too young and glamourous but she became a huge ally during the terrible teens and we got to have quite a respectful relationship.

Took a lot longer than a year -I would have pulled her hair out given the chance in the first 12 months.... (and I'm the least aggressive person ever).

Mince314 · 23/12/2015 18:15

Wow.

You must be very strong. It takes a long time to accept (whatever about get over with) something so humiliating and painful.

I would do your best to be polite but there is a difference between being dignified and polite and being friends . That would be ridiculous imo

daisychain01 · 23/12/2015 18:34

I haven't experienced this situation, but just wondering why you feel there is any need to build any relationship with the person. Even if it's being instigated by the OW for her reasons, doesn't mean you have to feel obliged to do anything.

If you want to be civilised, it makes good sense in the interests of you / your Ex's DC, but I don't understand why you (or she) needs to go beyond any superficial contact.

Original poster

YesNoMaybeSo1234 · 23/12/2015 18:37

I think I really mean being able to be polite and chat when dc have been there. As I said there are a few occasions coming up and rather everything be amicable instead of there being an atmosphere. I doubt if these occasions were not happening then I wouldn't be so bothered.

OP posts:

Runwayqueen · 23/12/2015 18:47

Ow and I are not friends, but very polite and civil to each other. It hurt at the start but ultimately she did me a favour. As long as kind to dd this will be the status quo. She is a mother now so I hope she will encourage xh to see dd a bit more, but I also respect that this want has to come from him. We had one soppy moment together, dd was admitted to hospital with suspected Kawasaki and she gave me that much needed reassuring hug, I'll always be grateful to her for that, but we'll never be friends

jayho · 23/12/2015 18:53

Yep, to clarify, we are not 'friends', she doesn't know she was OW, she thinks we have contact because of mine and ex's child. He is a twat, but he's her twat now and I wish her no ill.

amarmai · 23/12/2015 18:56

beyond me ,op.

ArthurMcAffertyhastwocats · 23/12/2015 19:08

Polite and cordial, but that's it. There's no chance we will ever be friends because we were friends - I thought - before she started sleeping with my husband and frankly life is too short to make an effort to be friends again with someone you know to be capable of that. But we are quite capable of being in the same room, making arrangements for the dcs, and being civil. She's always been kind to the children and is a good stepmother (plus I have lovely childfree weekends when she and my ex have six children between them to take care of, so I figure there's a teeny bit of karma there!)

springydaffs · 23/12/2015 19:32

As I was saying before tablet crashed - it's only a year. Something a bit suspect about that tbah - there is no way you're 'over it' after only a year, so why on earth would you even consider being 'friends'?

You don't have to be nasty of course and neither do you have to be awkward. She'll be there but she's on the same space continuum as the dining table or the piano. You don't have to talk to her unless you have to --

scarlets · 23/12/2015 22:44

Civil and polite, rather than matey, is the way forward IMO. The journalist India Knight happily spends Christmas Day with a gang of people including her ex husband and his wife, as well as her current husband, but I think it's unusual to be like that.

Itisbetternow · 23/12/2015 23:02

Will never be polite and friendly to her. Why would I want to - she and my stbxh were never polite and friendly to me when they decided to deceive me and have an affair. I am only human - I'm not a saint.

iwashappy · 23/12/2015 23:11

I understand how you feel in wanting it to be amicable for the DC and not wanting future occasions to be awkward.

However, I'm on a similar timescale to you and I couldn't countenance being friendly with OW. I've had to be in the same room as her and ex-DH for a wedding and we were civil I suppose but it was too public for it to have been anything else. It wasn't through choice as such.

I did have to speak to her about my DD a few months back but it was purely for my DD's sake.

I think a year is far too early to be considering being friendly to her. It's still far too raw.

slightlyinsane · 23/12/2015 23:40

I don't think you need to be friends but being civil, polite and able to be in the same room without an atmosphere will be a massive benefit in the years to come.
My dad left for the ow, we weren't allowed to meet her, didn't spend more than our 2hrs allotted time with my dad for years. I eventually met her 10 years later when I could join my older siblings in sneaking around to see them. We had to sneak around for a further 10 years until I made them all attend a meal to celebrate my wedding (the one where we went away to avoid a family gathering). It was bloody awful, awkward and tense. 2 more sibling weddings later and it's still awkward and tense. Bloody awful as a child to live through.

janaus · 23/12/2015 23:54

I just texted ex OW, we could never be friends. Anyway, thats over.

My daughter has her husbands EX, that they share the kids with.

On the surface, they are friendly enough, but mainly for the sake of the kids.

But strange thing though, the sisters of my daughters DP, are besties with the EX wifey, and barely tolerate my daughter. The EX wifey was the one that did all the cheating when they were married.

amarmai · 25/12/2015 15:17

OW a friend? ?

marriednotdead · 25/12/2015 16:00

Another who thinks it's early days but possible- and wise- to be civil in future.

I went to a wedding where they were present about 6 weeks after we split. It was hard but I held my head up high and she was obviously awkward especially as some of our friends were shooting her daggers.

My ex eventually married the OW and they have DCs who adore their big brother. It stung at the time but we've all moved on, it's been over 15 years.

I saw her recently for the first time in ages at my DS's baptism and we made small talk without any edge. She's always been good to him, she probably helps ex be a better dad and her family treat him the same as their other DCs. Considering ex had him every weekend when DS was younger, they rarely had any alone time from the beginning so she has earned a strange kind of respect and I wish her no ill. Friends is not a word I'd use but whatever we have, it works and my DS is comfortable.

cosytoaster · 25/12/2015 16:41

Yes - her and exH have now split up and we still keep in touch, not best friends or anything, but Xmas cards and occasional phone calls. In retrospect she did me a massive favour.

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