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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Planning to leave partner

16 replies

Chirstmascake1 · 23/12/2015 17:26

Hi I've been with partner for 2.5 years now. We have a little girl, 8 months old. I've suffered DV since I got pregnant (unplanned). He swears at me when angry calling me fing stupid c, piece of shit etc. He's educated and has a respectable job etc. Yesterday I wanted to do some preparation for Christmas and relax and he called me these things as "wanted us to spend time together". He also throws things when angry and pinned me against wall the other week. He is then very nice and charming, as he comes across to others. I want to leave in new year, I am thinking about going to parents as will need emotional support, we live in my house so that's not an issue. I'm scared and I have told family and some friends but if anyone has any practical advice it would help. I can't face another year of living a lie.

OP posts:
MoominPie22 · 23/12/2015 18:35

Leave NOW not after Xmas!! Can't shout that loud enough, pet. Others will be along with more practical advice but you can't get more practical at the mo then Get The Fuck Out Of There!

How many more red flags do you need?? Ignore any percieved " good parts " as it's a bloody facade to confuse/manipulate you. Focus only on the bad. Cos that is his true colours. You've picked a bad one there, please escape and let all your friends and family know exactly wot he's been doin so they can support you fully. They would be horrified, I'm sure.

Just get out. Protect your children and yourself Be strong. Flowers

Original poster
Chirstmascake1 · 23/12/2015 18:56

I thought to myself about leaving this time last year and can't believe a year has already passed. He threw alcohol in my face last week. I feel like I don't know what to do to leave. How? He's very manipulative. Says all classic things like its my fault he reacts and I deserve it and I will be alone and no one believes me.

OP posts:
MoominPie22 · 23/12/2015 19:06

But you say you've told your friends and family already. How did that go? You need to go and stay with someone who cares about your welfare. Others will be along to give good advice re your house and your rights. I'm more concerned in you putting distance btwn you and this shit bag!

Remember he has NO defence and will grasp at straws out of desperation to control and manipulate you. DO NOT swallow any of his bullshit. I cannot enphasise this enough.

I'm rarely one to post Leave the Bastard outright but this really is a case of LTB for your own personal safely and that of your little ones. Ring Women's Aid? But don't hang around for anything. Get your bags packed and put some distance btwn you and him. You will be amazed how much clearer you will think once you're out of that toxic environment without him poisoning your mind....

AnyFucker · 23/12/2015 19:07

Leave tomorrow and go to your parents. Pack some bags and go.

MoominPie22 · 23/12/2015 19:13

Christmas also....please pack your bags when he's gone and don't, whatever you do, tell him you're leaving. This could well be like a red rag to a bull if you're alone.

If he's not going anywhere soon, get a mate or family member to come over to be with you whilst you get some stuff together. He is far less likely to kick off if someone else is around. This would put you at great risk if you tell him you're leaving and you're on your own, so please take heed.

Then you can sort out the practicalities once you're safely away from this tosser e.g, how to get him removed from the house and your other rights ( court orders etc so he can't come near you ). He sounds like a nasty, unpredictable fuckwit so be on your guard and STAY SAFE.

tipsytrifle · 23/12/2015 19:22

Please do as advised. It's time to go. Choose your moment in the next 24 to 48 hrs. ASAP. You'll get the house back if it's yours. If he attacks you again you may not live to reclaim your stuff and care for dd. This is urgent.

SerafinaScoresby · 23/12/2015 19:30

Run like the wind! Don't wait until after Christmas, why have Christmas ruined by having to walk on eggshells or put up with another outburst? For yourself, and your DD, RUN

kaitlinktm · 23/12/2015 19:55

I have told family and some friends but if anyone has any practical advice it would help

You have told your parents? What have they said? If I had a daughter and granddaughter living under these conditions, I would drive round when he was out, pick them up - with or without their stuff - and take them to my home and leave all the shouting to him. I would want them safe at mine NOW!

Is he out tomorrow? Pack a few things, take your baby and go.

MissApple · 23/12/2015 20:04

Please leave. Please be careful. Do not do this to 'see if he will come round and be normal'. He won't and you could be in danger later on

Good luck and tell your parents

flatbellyfella · 23/12/2015 20:07

He may say he is educated, but what kind of education teaches him to treat a woman in such a despicable way.
As everyone else is saying, you need to get away from him soon as possible, & what better time than Christmas, give him something to remember, that his disgusting behaviour brought about. Stay with parents until you can get rid of him from your home.

redgoat · 23/12/2015 20:15

Is he working tonight or tomorrow? Pack a holdall and got as soon as humanely possible. Please, please go. Do not wait.

You will spend Christmas with a huge weight off your shoulders if you are at your parents and SAFE. You are not safe at home right now.

xxxx

Fckup · 23/12/2015 21:04

I was in your position, it's appalling and my heart goes out to you. Please leave, it was the best thing that I ever did for me and my children and even though emotionally I have a long way to go still, the joy I get from shutting my front door and it being just me and my children is worth everything. Good luck, be strong and get out.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 23/12/2015 21:27

You're unmarried and it's your house? I can't thank why TF you're the one who's leaving! Seriously!

If you want to have a more placid Crimbo, and your family/friends can put you up and ensure this, fine, but as you're leaving for a few headspace days, change the locks and put his stuff, in black bags, out the front.

cestlavielife · 23/12/2015 21:32

Leave now.
Call police on 101 and report the assault pinning you against wall and he ready to call 999 next time he attacks you so it's reported.
Keep charged mobile.

Gliblet · 23/12/2015 21:33

Preemptive has it spot on. Wait til you know he's going to be out for a few hours, get a locksmith in to change the locks when he's out and leave a note stuck to the door citing examples of him treating you badly and explaining that you've had enough. You'll allow him to arrange a time to come back and collect his belongings (unless you've time to pack everything and leave it out for him) then invite a friend or relative over for a few nights, someone who will support you, not give in, and will call the police if he turns up banging on the door and getting unpleasant and won't let you be tempted to let him in.

icandothis64 · 23/12/2015 22:05

Please. You have to go. This can only get worse. It will never ever get better. Please believe that. GO. GO GO.
You must report assaults to the police. This will be important in longer term when it come to access arrangement for DC.
Tell your parents and anyone else you need to. Personally i wouldn't change the locks and stay in the House right now. It's far too inflammatory and could turn very nasty. Worry about the house once you are safe. Good luck.

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