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Original poster

Is online dating supposed to be this boring?

23 replies

CherryPicking · 19/12/2015 22:41

I finally got round to adding a photo to my profile and suddenly getting a fair few messages, so perhaps I'm not as repulsive as I thought.

However, I was expecting...I don't know... Some flirting, maybe? Nothing particularly risqué.

I feel like ive been transported to the victorian era!all the conversations I've had so far can't even seem to get beyond the 'hi, how's you?' bit. If they ask me how my days going and I tell them, and ask the same all I get back is a 'great thanks...' They don't seem to latch on to anything that would make a conversation happen, so in the end I just give up and let the conversation die.

This really wasn't what I was expecting. Oh wise mumsnetters, could it be because Im only interested in other women? Would I have more fun online if I was straight?? Or is everyone I've chatted with on POF actually a fake??

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 19/12/2015 22:46

Rather than asking closed questions (i.e. a question that can be answered by a single statement like "how are you") ask open ones that invite a long response:
"What have you been up to today?"
"what are your plans for the weekend?"
"What are you up to over the festive season?"

Also, something that proves you've read their profile, e.g. if they say they like photography:
"I see you like photography - what are your favourite subjects to photograph?"
"I notice you've been to Thailand. I travelled there too in 2009 - what parts did you visit?"

Original poster
CherryPicking · 19/12/2015 22:51

I have tried specific questions but just seem to get generic answers back, and nothing to move the conversation on. It gets boring quitr quickly. Or maybe 8 years of Mn has given me unrealistic expectations of what online conversations are usually like??

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 19/12/2015 22:59

Or maybe 8 years of Mn has given me unrealistic expectations of what online conversations are usually like??

Possibly! Xmas Grin

I have to say when using dating sites I've found 9 out of 10 conversations are like this. You just have to keep plodding through til you find someone who's capable of actually using their words.

Maybe try a different site? OKC is also free and I've found generally a better level of conversation than POF. And paid sites are better again.

ThisIsStillFolkGirl · 20/12/2015 08:09

I applied a number of initial filters.

For example, someone who messaged with, "hi, how's you?" wouldn't even get a reply from me. Poor basic grammar, or a lack of interest created in the first contact, filtered people out.

I had quite a few filters that I applied mercilessly. Some of them were clear from my profile. Even my main picture was a little 'quirky' and divided people into "wtf" or "haha I like it."

Consequently, I didn't message/meet many people, but I don't have any horror stories either.

winterswan · 20/12/2015 08:32

Oh, I sympathise - although I hate the plans for the weekend question as for me it was always 'nothing!'

Elendon · 20/12/2015 09:52

What I can't understand is that very few start the conversation with 'I really enjoyed reading your profile, I also love - insert hobby, book, film, etc -.

Or what really annoys me is that they will say interesting profile and then when you respond it's obvious they haven't read it!

Also when you do meet up and engage in a conversation the half of them have never had an interest in what they said they had.

My older brother was on online dating (he lied about his age and where he lived btw, but is youthful looking, I was surprised to find he's younger than me). He has now met someone but initially women were crawling all over him; he could practically smell the desperation, which he found a turn off! (We were matched which is how I discovered he was online!)

Bant · 20/12/2015 22:21

Try the Dating thread on here - currently on thread 93 or so I believe.

Online dating is long periods of boredom, followed by short periods of interest, disgust, amusement, intrigue, disgust, boredom and potentially a relationship - or not.

the 'hi, how are you' messages make up 90% of them, often they're from people who just can't be bothered to write anything more, because it's a numbers game and there are hundreds of people you're competing against, for the attention of hundreds of people. Some people just send out spam messages, some will craft witty, erudite message, but you think they have the face of a 70 year old potato so will never read it.

It takes time.

ohYestoYestyn · 21/12/2015 12:28

Elen, I wonder how they crawled all over him? justcurious how other women message that's off-putting, as I'm thinking of trying out OLD.

Elendon · 22/12/2015 01:58

They were very full on with him, he had invitations to meet very quickly. In the end he wanted someone who would take it slowly - and more his own age. They are very suited he tells me. Not sure if he has fessed up to his true age or not.

He thinks online dating is favoured for the man, he got messages from women half his age - he had no intention of seeing someone so young - the younger women basically just wanted sex (he didn't want hook up situations).

PushingThru · 22/12/2015 04:43

Have you had relationships with women before? You have to make much, much more effort into making the first move & being funny and interesting than straight women! This goes for real life & online interaction. I'm sorry but it's true!

Original poster
CherryPicking · 22/12/2015 07:04

Why, pushing? Tell me more...

OP posts:
PushingThru · 22/12/2015 18:01

I suppose what I mean is that, as women, we're brought up to believe that the way to relationships, flirtation & fulfilling sex is to present as attractive as you possibly can, then wait for someone to approach you & mark your dance card. These very ingrained beliefs still hold true when we're interested in each other. So you do need to overcome that reluctance in making the first move & taking conversation into a sexual and romantic realm. Men approach women (and each other) more often than women approach men (and each other). My point is that you do need more in your flirting armoury than your looks if you're going to get anywhere with women.

PushingThru · 22/12/2015 18:12

Being gorgeous obviously helps though Xmas Grin

scarednoob · 22/12/2015 18:46

God yes, it's dull as shit! Either you get messages from creeps or you send messages and get no replies. Finally there is an e-spark and you get a bit invested in it. Only to meet up and find it was all imaginary.

I think the best way to meet online is through a forum or something where you can see how someone chats. I know about 8 people who met their partners on that sort of thing (including me ). I only know 1 couple who met on a proper dating site.

That being said, it's useful practice to get you in the dating mindset and to meet new people!

Justaboy · 22/12/2015 20:04

Look this thread up, several women there odd man too exchanging and discussing experiences with OLD. Its not for the faint-hearted;!

"Step inside it's the Dating Thread 93"

Elendon · 22/12/2015 20:42

I agree scared Currently, I'm on a few forums where there is an equal number of men and women. You can really sort out those who you like and don't like. Plus it's free. My daughter met her current and lovely partner this way. Fingers crossed!

Trills · 22/12/2015 20:56

Or maybe 8 years of Mn has given me unrealistic expectations of what online conversations are usually like?

With you on that one.

Most PEOPLE are not terribly interesting, but on MN you get to talk to a whole bunch at once and you don't notice how many boring replies there are for each interesting one.

When you are forced to talk to one person at a time, you notice every single one who has nothing to say for themselves.

Justaboy · 23/12/2015 12:00

Trills I think it goes further than that. People develop an on-line persona of sorts. I do know a few other people I've met after on-line exchanges all male I'll add, and there're rather different in real life.

Two of them have really vicious on-line arguments yet in the flesh you just would not believe there're the same people. Totally different in the face to face world, on-line it just reveals the real them behind the façade of anonymity;!

Justaboy · 23/12/2015 12:02

Elendon Can you say what sort of on-line forums these are?, sort of hobby or interest ones etc?

Elendon · 23/12/2015 12:44

Two are hobbies (walking/hiking, and surprisingly crafts - think home baking) and one is science interest.

Elendon · 23/12/2015 12:48

It does take time to develop an interaction. But if it's something you are interested in, say photography, baking, science, then you will get a good mixture. And we do have meet ups (haven't been able to go to any yet, but they are lovely meets by all accounts). But the conversations are intelligent, interesting and lively. Many are already partnered, but there are singles there.

Elendon · 23/12/2015 12:49

Sorry, meant to add, I do have real life social activities too.

Justaboy · 28/12/2015 22:49

Elendon I should hope you do have some social activity too!

Are you at liberty to say what the scientific one is at all?.

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