Advice Needed

[BassettHound85]

I need some advice. Been married almost 2 years. Relocated to Hong Kong 4 months ago for my job. Also as a new start for hubby. Previously we lived in London.

We have been together since 2008 and have had up and downs before. He has displayed behaviour before which I feel, after researching online, could be emotionally abusive.

Lately I have been really struggling as he has been shutting me out completely. He is not working at the moment but says he has been looking. He won't discuss his job search with me, what he gets up to during the day when I try to make conversation. I try to be supportive but he won't allow me. It's getting financially tough for me to support both of us on my own.

Having waited 4 months before raising the topic of money, I was forced to raise this recently. He makes me feel bad saying things like 'I'm a burden' and 'I make you angry'. He basically just shuts the whole dialogue down.

I am spending Xmas in the UK and he in HK - too proud to ask his mother for help to send him home. I couldn't afford to pay for both of us. He is barely texting me. All affection cut off. We haven't had sex for ages.

I can't stand the stonewalling and cut off of affection. I don't know what to do. Advice greatly appreciated.

I think you probably do know what to do but you'd like to hear it validated. You're carrying him. He's dead wood. He might be depressed but he needs to see someone about that and take charge of his life. Where do you see this going - you clearly can't carry on the way you are. It sounds to me like an awful way to live your one precious life - don't you agree?

You're right, I am seeking validation. The situation is making me feel depressed. Do I give a deadline of 6 months for things to improve or what? I'm trying to work out what would be reasonable and fair. I'm tired of feeling like I can't discuss our problems without being made to feel bad.

I think in your situation I would give a deadline - but probably after a good hard talk. If he won't engage then say what you have to say - or write it down for him. If he's depressed then clearly he needs help but nobody can do that for him so I'd include addressing that issue in the things he needs to do. If he can't or won't take steps to improve his situation then you might need to ask him to leave. It's tough - but you really don't want to be living like this when you're 40 or 50 do you?

I'm afraid I feel for your DH.

He's moved to be with you for your job (was this only really a fresh start for him as you've said?).

He's now trapped in HK thinking he's a failure and trying not to let on to family whilst you are going home for Christmas!

Never in a million years could I imagine leaving my DH like that, especially if he was in your DH position.

You sound like you're leaving him behind in life and now he can't open up to you so you'll blame him instead.

I'm with Joysmum on this.

Your DH has moved to HK to support you, 4 months isn't that long in job seeking terms and now you're abandoning him to come home for Christmas?! How awful must he feel? Alone, belittled, unsupported.

He made a huge sacrifice for your career, the least you could do is not bugger off leaving him alone!!!!

I actually sympathise with your DH as well as you, from the information given in your post anyway.

If more clarification was given regarding his past possibly EA behaviour and why he needed a fresh start I may of course change my mind.

You moved to HK with a job in place. He went with you and has been in a new culture for just a few weeks really. He sounds under pressure, anxious, depressed and defensive rather than abusive. And now you're buggering off and leaving him there alone for Christmas. I'd be upset with you too.

Don't get me wrong, I can see it must be infuriating from your side. He does need to take charge of his life. But that's not always simple.