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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

PLEASE mother in law advice needed

21 replies

mummy250271 · 19/12/2015 00:15

Hi, sorry if this sounds petty but I am distraught, my mil told my husband recently that I am never welcome to her house again (we have been married 20 years), she told him I am always nasty to her and she doesnt want to see me again. We dont know what has started this and she is too aggressive for me to approach her and ask her what has gone wrong. she has been keeping a diary for 18 years about things I have "done" or said to her !!! I saw her in the street and asked her what I had said and I said "you have put your son in a terrible position and run the risk of losing him", her reply was "well if it means I never see you again, it will be worth it" I love my husband more than anything but I am considering walking away so he can build bridges again with his family, I have truthfully never felt so depressed. I should also add that his mother stopped talking to her own sister 5 years ago also and nobody was ever clear of the reason why. Please give honest advice i would be so grateful xxx

OP posts:

Joopy · 19/12/2015 00:17

I think your husband has to deal with this sounds like a nightmare. What did your husband say about the allegations?

Floralnomad · 19/12/2015 00:23

So don't see her anymore ,her loss . Ive been NC with my Inlaws for 17/18 years , it started off as their decision but frankly we couldn't stand each other so it worked well for me . Why are you so upset about it ?

Original poster

mummy250271 · 19/12/2015 00:23

Hi Joopy, my husband claims (as I wasnt there, she asked for him to go to her house on his own, which he did as we never dreamt this type of thing would happen) that he insisted she was wrong and then walked out. He is very very quiet about things, he has always struggled to show emotions and talk about problems, he simply says his loyalties lie with me and he will prove it in time but cutting contact completely with his mum (which is not what I want), I am just so confused as people keep telling me she is nasty and has a mental health problem, my heart just breaks that my husband is having to go through this x

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Original poster

mummy250271 · 19/12/2015 00:42

Hi Floralnomad, I am upset because I am so close to my parents who live 70 miles away and this old cow is literally all my husband has left in the world, plus she lives about 8 doors up the road lol. I personally wouldnt care if I never saw her again in my life but I feel so bad for my husband, does your hubby not get affected by not seeing them at all, do you have children who also dont see their grandparents, (not asking sarcastically just really want your advice as to how, if at all, it affects them x) maybe to be honest you are totally right and I shouldn't care, really it is her loss not mine xx

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Bogeyface · 19/12/2015 02:21

How old is she? Could it be a MH/dementia issue?

Sprink · 19/12/2015 02:27

You're considering walking away so he can build bridges with family?

Sorry, do you mean you would leave your husband? The one you love more than anything? And have been married to for 20 years?

Please tell me I've read that wrong.

80sMum · 19/12/2015 02:30

Bogeyface I was just thinking the same thing. It doesn't sound 'right' to me. People with good mental health do not behave in that way; it smacks of paranoia and delusions. The mil needs professional medical attention, I think.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 19/12/2015 02:35

How old is she? Does she have any other issues like flashes of anger, or forgetting things?

Don't leave your husband over this, that way her behaviour completely isolates him.

MoominPie22 · 19/12/2015 06:08

She sounds terribly unhinged to me. Her behaviour is far from normal obv. But contemplating leaving your husband is way too extreme and I'm assuming it's cos you're still in shock over this coming like a bolt from the blue. I would be!

So has she always had issues with you that you know about? What is her relationship with your husband like generally? Maybe ask him if he can go see this so-called diary? I really hope such a thing doesn't exist otherwise she really has had it in for you from day 1 and is an altogether peculiar old bugger!

Yes your husband is in a shit situation ( not to mention you too for having her as a close neighbour! ) but I doubt very much he'd want to sacrifice his wife for his hate-filled, bitter mother. Very strange indeed but unfortunately some people need no reason to feel hostility towards their daughters-in-law. Just check out the Stately Homes thread and you'll see.....

Domino777 · 19/12/2015 06:23

I think your relationship with your husband needs to remain strong. Support him with what ever he chooses to do.

It's very odd to keep an 18 year diary of things someone has said. Any normal person would have chatted about issues as they arose, in an attempt to make relations work. Or alternatively just not make an issue of things.

Diamondsmiles · 19/12/2015 06:27

Do you have children and if so is she expecting to still see them? It does sound like she has form for this and may just be jealous of you for something. Did she have a good relationship with her husband? My mil is very jealous of me because she had a rubbish marriage and is still annoyed I took dh from her and have a nice marriage!

rainbowstardrops · 19/12/2015 06:49

She sounds like a fruit loop. You're well rid I'd say. It's up to your DH to sort it if he wants to (or even can).
Very odd to keep a diary about you for 18 yrs without even a hint!

Original poster

mummy250271 · 19/12/2015 09:32

Thank you so much everybody, I think some people have got it spot on - every friend I have spoken to has said she is clearly jealous. She has been widowed for 30 years now and has never met anybody else even for friendship. She expects to see my children and has said my hubby is to take the children to her when she wants to see them - that WONT be happening. Apparently she had a mental health issues 30 years ago and I think it is raising its head again but you cant approach her over it as she is so full of anger and spite. She has never really had a relationship with any of her children. I think we are all better off without her, thank you for your input, it is appreciated xx

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aprilanne · 19/12/2015 09:33

after 27 years i finally made the decision not to see inlaws again .the best decision i ever made .wont stop hubby going but we cant stand each other and i have played dutiful dil for more than half my life .if i were you i would be saying thank god

tobysmum77 · 19/12/2015 09:48

he simply says his loyalties lie with me and he will prove it in time but cutting contact completely with his mum (which is not what I want)

But ultimately this is his decision. Of course it isn't what anyone wants but sometimes we have to accept that there are things in life we don't have the power to change. Can you move house? Living that close to her is awkward and it would be impossible to be entirely NC.

WitchWay · 19/12/2015 09:52

She sounds bonkers - I'd worry about her mental health &/or dementia / personality disorder - you don't say how old she is. The fact she has cut off other family members means it's all her, not you.

It will be impossible to avoid her, living so close

Original poster

mummy250271 · 19/12/2015 10:59

Thanks everyone,to be honest living so close is not an issue at all, as she has no friends she never leaves the house lol, even when we did get on we would only see her once a month or so in passing. I would absolutely not move, we have spent 15 years extending our house. I dont even see her in the village or the local supermarket - very very odd her behaviour. She is about 68 years old I believe but I agree with the comments there is clearly a mental issue lurking - the fact that she has been keeping a diary of the things I meant to have done to hurt her proves that lol xx

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FishWithABicycle · 19/12/2015 11:21

Don't leave your DH over this - it's right and proper that he knows his loyalties lie with you. That's what marriage is.

Joysmum · 19/12/2015 11:23

Has she kept a written diary or was she exaggerating about a perceived mental list?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 19/12/2015 11:38

this old cow is literally all my husband has left in the world
No. You are all your husband has left in the world.

He probably never had a good relationship with his DM. That's sad but some people are terrible parents and you can't will them or love them into being the parents you want them to be.

Help your DH build a good family with you. Don't let her poison it. His chosen family comes first, that's life.

Original poster

mummy250271 · 19/12/2015 16:39

Thank you again, it is our wedding anniversary today and she hasnt even wished him happy Anniversary so I assume her son isnt as important as her hatred for me lol. Anyway we are off out for a lovely meal as a family and she can rot on her own at home xxx

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