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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Red flag

19 replies

kateshair · 12/12/2015 16:00

I've been seeing a man for over two months now. He's very nice, seems kind, open and keen on me. We get on well and have been intimate for six weeks now.
We met on a well known on line dating site. I came off about a month ago. Think my profile is still up there but there is no picture of me.. I had an email today from there as they try to reel you back in so I had a browse while I was on there. He was active two days ago !!
I need to sort this. Not happy to carry on seeing a man who is active on line..
How shall I put this too him? And am aware this is not great is it...

OP posts:

Room101isWhereIUsedToLive · 12/12/2015 16:03

Have you had the ' is this going anywhere?' conversation or discussed being exclusive?

loveyoutothemoon · 12/12/2015 16:03

Maybe online for the same reason as you? Have you agreed to be exclusive?

pocketsaviour · 12/12/2015 16:04

Have you had the chat about not seeing other people any more? After two months I wouldn't necessarily expect to be seeing each other exclusively.

Original poster

kateshair · 12/12/2015 16:07

Not yet.. Was planning to do it soon though. I will ask him later !..

OP posts:

Original poster

kateshair · 12/12/2015 16:25

Your right two months is nothing.. But sleeping with each other !? Does that count for nothing ? It probably doesn't in the old world..
He seems a nice guy but I ve been burnt before with this old..
Thing is I don't want to sound like I'm pushing this.. I like him but won't see him again unless he can come up with a great explanation...

OP posts:

Trills · 12/12/2015 16:27

It's not a red flag if you've not discussed exclusivity.

Also - you know that you having gone on will make you show up as "active 1 day ago" now?

Joysmum · 12/12/2015 16:28

I had an email today from there as they try to reel you back in so I had a browse while I was on there. He was active two days ago !!

Right, so you got an email and decided to 'browse' but are now getting precious because he's not allowed to do what you've done?

pocketsaviour · 12/12/2015 16:32

If it's that important to you, I'd suggest next time you start dating someone, you explain that you don't want to have sex with them until they've agreed to be exclusive.

TBH I think that's a bit cart before horse, because they might be shit in bed and you'll want to call things off afterwards. So maybe wait until you've DTD once then have the "Go exclusive or go home" talk?

thequickbrownfox · 12/12/2015 16:42

I'd finish it if someone I was sleeping with was online looking for dates. Basic standards of decency say that if you're going to bed together that constitutes exclusivity to my mind, and for that reason alone I'd be incompatible with a man who didn't agree!

Original poster

kateshair · 12/12/2015 16:43

Quickbrownfox That is so what I am thinking basic standards ! That's all I expect..

OP posts:

Oysterbabe · 12/12/2015 16:44

You've been on there so why can't he?
Maybe a conversation about both deleting your profiles is in order.

Trills · 12/12/2015 16:44

thequickbrownfox

She doesn't know that he is looking for dates. Just that he had opened up the app or visited the website.

Maybe he was looking at a conversation that they had earlier, maybe he too received the "you haven't logged in for ages" email and had clicked the same way she had.

Intheprocess · 12/12/2015 16:48

Two months is not enough for me to commit to a ltr, however, once I start being regularly intimate with someone I personally expect exclusivity. I do not compete for the attention of sexual partners, and I'd rather be single than do the "pick me" dance once a relationship has started. Life's too short for that crap imho. Having said that, your prospective BF is not psychic and so ask him to see what he wants to do. If he says he'll be exclusive then that's when you should start expecting it. If he says it's too early then it's up to you to decide what to do next.

donajimena · 12/12/2015 16:50

I went back online to read the messages my BF and I sent before dating. It would have shown me as 'active' I did delete my profile pdq though

Joysmum · 12/12/2015 19:24

Quickbrownfox That is so what I am thinking basic standards ! That's all I expect

He could say the same of you.

So how is what you've done any different? Notice you've ignored those of us pointing this out!

loveyoutothemoon · 13/12/2015 16:09

Have you had a chat with him kateshair?

sooperdooper · 13/12/2015 16:13

He probably got the same email as you so logged on! It's complete double standards that it's ok for you to browse but if he's done the same he's in the wrong

Parker08 · 14/12/2015 03:08

It's only been two months, I would give it more time and not have the talk quite yet. See where things go. Good luck!

ohYestoYestyn · 14/12/2015 22:22

many posters are confusing commiting to LTR (yes, too early after two months) and not sleeping with others while dating and seeing how it goes with that one person. He can sleep with others once he decided OP is not for him, that's the gist, not that she can demand commitment.

That's obv if both are looking for a relationship rather than casual sex - and I assume that that's what he claimed originally, on his profile and when on dates. I'm sure Op wouldn't even date him otherwise as she wants a relationship.

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