What to do if you suspect he still carries a torch for his ex?

[baffledgoose]

Hang around in the hope one day he might grow to love you as much as he did her? Or is it a lost cause?

We've been together 7 months. They're not in contact, he's not seen her for 3 years, she's now married with two babies. It's just the way he talks about their relationship when it comes up.

He's very physically affectionate but he only says "I love you" if I say it first (so I've stopped doing it now!)

Am I just being a daft insecure tart? You'd think 3 years would be enough to get over someone.

7 months is very early. Tbh its even a bit early for "I love yous" tbh.

Its also very early for tactics like not saying it first to see how long it takes him to say it. That sounds exhausting at this stage. It should be easy and breezy and light, the honeymoon stage where you're dazzled by each others fabulousness.

How does he talk about her? If its positively, surely thats a good thing? Its a mature attitude - acknowledging the good in them and the good times that were in the relationship.

Or is he a bit OTT about her? How often does she come up in conversation exactly?

I fell for him pretty quickly so although I know it should still be all honeymoony at this point I've been feeling a bit vulnerable for a while already! My last relationship was 5 years and after the first "I love you"s we said it to each other every day, so maybe this change of pace has thrown me a bit.

It's not so much positive as wistful, I suppose... like he's still sad that it didn't work out. The thing is that she actually sounds awful - she two-timed him with the bloke she's now married to, and his family & friends all disliked her because she was rude and self-centred!

He doesn't bring her up apropos of nothing, it just comes up in conversation sometimes I suppose, same with our other exes - but he's more light-hearted when he talks about the others.

This is interesting - I'm often a lot more serious when I talk about one particular ex who I was with for 7 years - but he was emotionally and eventually physically abusive and I'm very sad that he treated me that way and I put up with it for so long. I'm sad that he wasn't the person I thought he was, more than anything. I suppose it could be misconstrued by dh, although he's never said anything.

I'm just not the type who says "I love you" either and I usually only say it if dh says it first. My parents never said it to me and I just don't feel the need to say it - I take it as read! I show affection by hugging and kissing - I think some people convey emotion in that way instead.

Anyway, the point is, don't try and second guess how your oh is feeling. You could just ask how he feels about her now - to put your mind at rest? After 3 years I'd be surprised if he still has strong feelings now, but sometimes it does take a long while to lose a connection to someone, even if they turned out to be a nightmare. I sometimes think about my awful ex even now, and we broke up 13 years ago! Doesn't mean I would go back there, not a chance.

That is an interesting perspective, Samaritan1. I don't know how to broach it without sounding like a jealous loon - I suppose I need to wait for an appropriate moment when she comes up in conversation. Ugh!

Thank you both for thoughtful replies

Yeah, I wouldn't speak lightheartedly about her either, tbh.

Remember that oftentimes pain lingers longer than love.