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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do i move on from this nightmare..

23 replies

motion12 · 08/12/2015 02:14

I never thought for a minute in my life I'll ever be sexually assaulted..

Please help me deal with this, i can not sleep, eat or even find a way to speak to a friend.

How do victims move on and forget? How do i get past this? I'm soo tearful right now and dont know where to start...

OP posts:

Joopy · 08/12/2015 02:20

do you want to tell us what happened? Be kind to yourself. Are you going to report him to the police?

BastardGoDarkly · 08/12/2015 02:26

Oh, I'm so sorry. Rape crisis should be able to help you talk things through? Is there anyone in RL you've told?

Friendlystories · 08/12/2015 02:29

You sound really shaken up which is totally understandable, I take it you haven't been able to tell anyone what's happened? I was raped when I was 13 and didn't tell a soul, it's like the shock paralyses you and you can't find the words. We're here if you feel you can talk to us, might help you process what's happened and help figure out what you do next or we'll just hold your hand, whatever you need

TesticleOfObjectivity · 08/12/2015 02:33

When did this happen op? Are you away from him now?

tallwivglasses · 08/12/2015 02:41

Take your time. Start at the beginning x

BastardGoDarkly · 08/12/2015 03:35

I'm hoping against hope you're sleeping now. If not, we're here for you, to rant at, or talk things through.

It's going to take time and care, but this will get further away.

Once again, I'm really sorry this happened to you, it's shit

Original poster

motion12 · 08/12/2015 08:00

Thank you all for your kind words, I cried myself to sleep but didn't sleep for long.

As soon as I woke it was the first thing I thought about. He isn't with me, I dont know him that well, just met after a long day after work and it ended as the worst day of my life.

I dont know how i should get through today without thinking about it. I wish I could talk to my close friends but I'm afraid of the outcome and the emotions I have to deal with. It feels silence right now is the best thing for me to keep hold of my sanity. I was him punished, I was him to know how I feel and what a scar he has left in my life but I dont feel strong enough to voice it.

This is the last thing I ever wanted in my life

OP posts:

Original poster

motion12 · 08/12/2015 08:01

I want him punished and I want him to know how I feel

OP posts:

Goingtobeawesome · 08/12/2015 08:04

Police. Ime it's the only thing that helps.

BastardGoDarkly · 08/12/2015 10:10

Oh love, speak to rape crisis, they are experts, and will be a brilliant way to first voice this.

You can do it, we'll hold your hand x

Original poster

motion12 · 08/12/2015 10:45

Thank you, do you have their contact details?

I have been trying to get in touch with a couple of people who might know this evil man but they both said they don't know much about him. Apparently he lives in a different town and only comes to our town once in a while. So as I type he is back to his town. Of course within England.

I feel like I need to meet him face to face on a broad day light and ask him a few questions. I don't know how someone who has a daughter can even think of violating someone else's daughter.

This is very heavy on me right now but I'm tryin to act as though everything is ok. I feel like I want to stay away from work for a while but I can not think of a good enough reason to tell my employer.

Forgive me if all this doesn't make sense, my head is all over the place right now.

OP posts:

Original poster

motion12 · 08/12/2015 10:49

The police will completely blow the whole situation up and I emotionally dont feel ready to deal with police and alot of questioning. I have a routine everyday and its very important I dont break from it right now. I feel very fragile at the moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

motion12 · 08/12/2015 10:51

Its the only way i feel in control of myself, because everytime I think of that moment I couldn't fight for myself I just break down., I hope you all understand

OP posts:

frustratedashell · 08/12/2015 11:12

Hello motion. My daughter was raped a few years ago, she was 20. She didn't report it to the police. She couldn't face it. I had to respect that decision. She did go and get checked for STI and pregnancy, luckily both were negative. She could not tell me , I had to guess. She couldn't bring herself to say the words. She was obviously very distressed and spent a long time trying to get "clean" in the shower for days. She seems okay now but I don't think she's totally over it. I would urge you to tell someone, even if you have to write it down. Feel free to message me. Oh and this is not your fault. Take care sweetheart x

mynameiscalypso · 08/12/2015 11:13

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. The important thing to remember is that anything that happens now is a consequence of his actions and not yours and, most importantly, there is nothing that anyone can tell you that you have to do. It's totally your choice as to how you deal with it.

In case it's useful to hear other people's experiences, an ex-colleague raped me 6 years ago and it wasn't until a few months ago that I felt able to tell anyone at all about it. The only way I could cope was to pretend it never happened and get on with my life. I still haven't told friends/family as I don't want to deal with the fallout but I have now reported it to the police. Despite the fact that this happened a few years ago, they've been excellent. It probably would have been a stronger case if I'd told them at the time but I had to make the decision that was right for me then.

Take care OP. It will get better, I promise and we'll be here to help whatever you decide to do.

BastardGoDarkly · 08/12/2015 11:23

motion I believe the numbers are different in different areas?

You need to take care of you, and I truly believe you need some professional support, if you want to pm me the area you live in, I'll certainly look up the rape crisis number for you? Or just put rape crisis into Google?

If you can't face work, say you have diarrhoea and sickness, there's loads of it around x

Goingtobeawesome · 08/12/2015 13:14

I am posting this as I am worried about you and not in any way because I am trying to pressure you.

As someone who has taken thirty years to get the abuser locked up, please please don't wait another second to start the process to healing.

What has happened is awful, scary, shocking, all the words you can think of, but you can get the control you briefly lost by making the calls you need to make.

Police - they can't do anything if you don't tell them but they won't do anything without your permission. They are there to uphold the law and support you.

Work - unless you are about to perform life saving surgery, they really can manage without you. You are more important right now.

Mumsnet - wiser people than me can help with practicalities.

You - please look after yourself.

pocketsaviour · 08/12/2015 13:25

OP I can promise you that you can recover from this, it will take some time but you will reach a point in the future where you feel 100% past it and it will rarely cross your mind. I speak from experience here.

What I can say is that the more you are able to talk about it and seek support now, the easier it will be to move forward. I know how tempting it is to just try to throw the whole thing down a dark well and try to slam a lid on it, that just doesn't work - the horrible thing will still be in there, poisoning the water.

It doesn't mean you necessarily need to go for prosecution, but you need to seek help from people who are experienced in supporting victims of assault. If you do go ahead and contact police now though, you then have the option of prosecuting later on when you have had some time and support to think about that decision.

Whatever else you do, please do not try to contact or meet him. That would be incredibly dangerous. Please do not risk yourself like that. You already know he is an evil, dangerous man. You will not get the answers you seek from him. Please don't put yourself at risk.

BastardGoDarkly · 08/12/2015 22:22

How are you motion ? I've been thinking about you

springydaffs · 08/12/2015 23:03

So sorry motion

Do speak to rape crisis. They know how to support you in the way you need. Xx

BastardGoDarkly · 09/12/2015 09:56

Are you alright love?

sadwidow28 · 09/12/2015 10:17

Please try to ring Rape Crisis as they are the experts. It will be okay to cry or struggle to get your words out. The counsellor who answers the phone will be able to gently coax the story out of you - but only as far as you are able to face the facts. Please trust them.

Rape Crisis

National Freephone Helpline: 0808 802 9999

12:00 – 14:30 daily
19:00 – 21:30 daily

You can, if you want, report to the police if you feel ready to. Phone 101 and ask to be put through to the specialist team for sexual assault. (The officers in the team are specially trained.) An officer will be assigned to you. She will come to take your first evidence statement in your home.

The police are in the best position to actually locate your assailant as you don't appear to have an address for him. Just give them as much information as you know about him - where he drinks, friends he hangs out with etc.

Good luck OP.

RNBrie · 09/12/2015 10:26

I think people process it differently OP. I never told anyone when I was assaulted 18 years ago because I was so ashamed. I did speak to Rape Crisis a few years later and had some other counselling a few years after that. So I don't think I coped with it well at all. It was a very lonely time, I wish I'd had someone I felt able to confide in at the time.

Do you have anyone in real life that you can talk to? Someone you can trust and rely on? Going to the police is a massive step and I was never brave enough to do it, I'm not sure if I would do it if I had my time again.

But if you can talk to someone you trust who can hold your hand through the next few days and weeks then I would definitely advise you to speak up. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You will survive and you will be OK, it takes time and effort but it is survivable.

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