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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do I need a grip or is multiple marriages a red flag?

19 replies

ymba · 05/12/2015 12:54

Hoping someone can put things into perspective for me on this one.

I'm currently dating a man who's recently revealed that he's been married 3 times. The first marriage was in his early 20s and didn't last long but the subsequent marriages did last a bit longer, think 5 years on one and 4 on the other.

I have never been married and perhaps naively think that when I do it'll just be once but it seems as though he treats marriage as a fast-food outlet iyswim?

He doesn't speak negatively about his exes bar the first one which he says was the worst mistake he ever made and tends to get a little cagey if I ask about the other marriages but I just find myself thinking that I don't want to be number 4, if you see what I mean?

OP posts:

CalleighDoodle · 05/12/2015 12:58

Id be worried that he walls away from problems, rather than looking for aoltions of compromise. OR that he is an arse and his exs took a couple of years to work that out.

CalleighDoodle · 05/12/2015 12:59

Atrocious typing. Is be worried he walks awayfeom problems, rather than looking for solutions or compromises.

ILiveAtTheBeach · 05/12/2015 13:00

I suppose it depends on why the marriages ended? At least he's not a commitment phobe!

My first marriage ended thru no fault of my own. I'm on my second marriage now, and I wouldn't cock this one up either, so if DH left me, again it wouldn't be my fault. But I know how that would look to outsiders.

Of course, you'll only get his side to the story!

Dowser · 05/12/2015 13:06

Yes to why did they end?

My cousin is about to embark on her third.
First was a cheater and abuser and lasted ten years.
Second lasted 19 years and he died.

If he's cagey about the others....has he been a cheater too?

There's no shame if someone else has done the dirty on you or it didn't work out.

Some longer talks needed and chances to get to know him better before you hitch up your wagon.

mummymeister · 05/12/2015 13:06

sorry but this would be a total red flag to me. he clearly has some issues. either he falls in love far too easily and marries only to regret it later or he is one of those who the minute it all looks a bit sticky and some effort or talking is needed he throws in the towel.

I would be on eggshells if I were in a relationship with him constantly thinking that any slight argument and he could be off.

at the risk of being controversial I think to be divorced once is understandable, twice well perhaps but 3 times and he is still only in his thirties. its become an easy option for him not the soul searching nuclear, cant see a way forward type option that it is for everyone else.

Original poster

ymba · 05/12/2015 13:14

ILiveAtTheBeach Precisely! Only his side of the story and from what he reveals he's the innocent one in all 3. But 3 times really!? I'd love to have a chat with his ex wives but I know that's not an option but I can't believe him for some reason. He paints himself in a 'hard-done-by' sort of role. Can it really be? I have had serious relationships in the past where marriage was indeed on the cards but I don't think it's something you walk into lightly. I'm thinking maybe my values or ideas of marriage are clouding my view?

OP posts:

Original poster

ymba · 05/12/2015 13:16

Dowser According to what he said the first one they were far too young and naive. The second she fell out of love with him and the 3rd he won't talk about but he's said "it was never really going to work out." What does that mean!?

OP posts:

kittybiscuits · 05/12/2015 13:31

Trust your gut OP. Hard done by in 3 separate marriages. Massive red flag!

ALaughAMinute · 05/12/2015 13:41

It would be a big red flag for me! His marriages didn't last very long did they? How old is he?

lazymoz · 05/12/2015 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FullmoonHalfmoonTotaleclipse · 05/12/2015 13:56

The three marriages - not a reg flag in itself.

All of the separations being ex wives' fault? Being cagey about the last two? Massive red flags. Run!

strawberryandaflake · 05/12/2015 14:08

Sounds like he proposes all the time as he's insecure. At his age, if he hasn't got his act together, I'd avoid him.

newname99 · 05/12/2015 16:02

I am on my 2nd marriage however I take responsibility for my part in marrying and divorcing first time around.I was young, low self esteem and 'played at being a grownup'.There were red flags and ignored them.

I waited years before remarrying.If he takes no responsibility then that is a red flag.If the marriages were all quick then that's a red flag as well

Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/12/2015 16:28

I can't believe him for some reason

MN posters always say your gut instinct is there for a reason - and they're right. Everyone makes mistakes, but three marriages gone up in smoke and all the wives' fault??

Sorry, but no ...

Olddear · 05/12/2015 16:32

Is he Jim Davidson?

AuntieStella · 05/12/2015 16:37

It sounds to me as if you believe him for marriage 1 (you seem to be ready to accept 'too young' without further explanations) but not for both 2 and 3.

Because you don't know why no2 'fell out of love' (he doesn't seem to be giving a reason, so you just can't know his contribution to it) and there's no account of no3 at all.

Now, I get that people may well not want to discuss their relationship history in great depth early on. How long have you been dating him?

Tread carefully. And find out more.

CalleighDoodle · 06/12/2015 15:45

Him painting himself as hard done by is the red fag more than fhe amount of marriages.

pocketsaviour · 06/12/2015 21:20

Does he have DC from the marriages?

I would perhaps think him slightly naive, if anything.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 06/12/2015 21:27

I agree with Calleigh, I'd be far more worried about him being the hard done by type.

Listen to your gut.

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