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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My child wants to move in with ex

24 replies

Timetorethink · 30/11/2015 19:55

My ex is a perfectly nice person. We split up when my son was a year old. He sees him every other weekend.

My son wants to live with him and his wife and not me. He says he hates me. He is 14.

My heart is breaking.

He is at a very good school which he worked hard to get into. He would have to change schools.

What on earth should I do? He is telling me he will self harm and run away unless he is allowed to leave.

OP posts:

Wombatinabathhat · 30/11/2015 19:56

for you
I think most teenagers hate their parents at some stage.
Would ex want him to live with them full time?

Epilepsyhelp · 30/11/2015 19:59

Has a particular argument set this off? Do you have a difficult relationship in general? That must be so difficult for you but maybe you have to let him go for a bit so that he can see that his unhappiness isn't related to you.

Original poster

Timetorethink · 30/11/2015 20:11

Ex is encouraging him to move in with him.

No particular arvument - we are very similar and just argue a lot. He has had a shit time at school as well, althgouh things are much more sorted now. If he goes, he moves schools, and he won't be able to come back to the school he has left where I live (academic selective)

And I don't want him to go. He is my son, and I love him. I want him to be with me. It is the best thing for him, although he loves his father way more than he does me - his father and I are very different people.

OP posts:

Mermaidhair1 · 30/11/2015 20:32

I feel for you. I have been through something similar. In the end I had to let her go. She came back 2 years later licking her wounds. Her bio dad wasn't a good person.

Original poster

Timetorethink · 30/11/2015 20:36

His bio dad is a very good person. A better person than me I guess. If he goes, he won't come back.

His dad won't push him on school work, and I do.

OP posts:

Threefishys · 30/11/2015 20:46

Can he not commute to school?

SevenSeconds · 30/11/2015 20:51

Any chance of 50/50? Or do you live too far apart?

Original poster

Timetorethink · 30/11/2015 21:01

We live an hour apart - too far to commute to school and to share 50/50

50/50 would be fantastic - but not feasible as his father does not want to move to where I live

OP posts:

SanityClause · 30/11/2015 21:12

Why don't you start researching schools where he would live? He will start to realise that it's not just a matter of being with his father and step mother all the time, there will be other major changes in his life. He will move too far away from his friends to be able to see them on a regular basis, for example.

I don't believe for a minute that they are better people than you. It's easier to get along when you get more of a break from each other. Children are often very well behaved for grandparents, for example, or the parents of friends, even though they might be a handful with the family they live with full time.

You say his father won't push him to do schoolwork. Maybe he is still feeling under a lot of pressure at school. Maybe it's not as sorted as you hope?

Sorry, just a few random thoughts. And some for you. I can only imagine how heartbreaking this is for you.

Original poster

Timetorethink · 30/11/2015 21:23

He has lots of friends where his father lives - he plays for a football team there already. He doesn;t mind moving away from the current set of friends. He is always a "grass is greener" type of child.

His hormones are raging.

They are better people than me - his dad is a very nice man - just bored me to tears and we split up when my son was very young.

He does no homework - he has a gcse assessment in a few days - he has not even looked at it.

OP posts:

Borninthe60s · 30/11/2015 21:36

This could have been written by my step sons mum a few years ago. She did something I admire to this day and allowed him to move 300 miles away from her to live with us. He left a twin and an older brother behind. This young man flourished because he was happy with the decision he made and as parents we sat down and discussed it and made it clear there would be no yo-yoing. He settled at school, studies hard, sixth form, uni and has just gone to Oz to work for a year.

As a mum I cannot imagine how you must feel but wanted to share my experience from the other side so to speak.

FrogFairy · 30/11/2015 21:40

I have been in your shoes so really get how this feels. My ex was a Disney Dad who left me to do all the parenting, thus I was always the bad cop. Totally different parenting styles. I would tell my son how much I loved him and was proud of him but also tell him when his behaviour was unacceptable, encouraged him with school work and always attended school 'stuff.' My son was my main priority while his dad does what he pleases, puts his wants/needs first and leaves son to fend for himself. Not at all interested in his education. When son hit puberty he got violent with me and flounced off to his dad.

Son barely bothers with me and will never come home. I don't get access time because he has better things to do - football, Xbox and mates so no time for me. I hope you can talk him around but teenagers can be so stubborn not realising the implications of their actions.

If you can't talk him around all you can do is tell him your door is always open if he wants to come home.

Obs2015 · 30/11/2015 21:59

What about more time with your ex, for starters. It could go badly, making him want more, but it might just quench his thirst iyswim.

ReggaeShark · 30/11/2015 22:02

Do you have other children OP?

Original poster

Timetorethink · 30/11/2015 22:09

I have suggested that he goes there every weekend - but his dad wants him full time with me going to just every other weekend.

I have no other children.

OP posts:

DollyTwat · 30/11/2015 23:45

Op my ds1 lives with his dad, moved there in July when his behaviour got so bad I was at my wits end. He's nearly 14.

His dad was a Disney dad and still is I think, ds1 doesn't kick off because he's never refused anything.

Ds2 and I have a very quiet and peaceful life and we appreciate it, no dramas or violence.

Your son is old enough to choose and you shouldn't take it personally, he just wants to see what it's like there. Understandable. Why don't you give him a trial in the holidays, so it doesn't seem so permanent for either of you

Make sure you have him often and make those times as lovely as you can. You want him to be happy, and whilst it's painful, you might have a better relationship with him if you don't have all the responsibility

I know how it feels, but it's not anything you've done, boys sometimes just need their dad

VimFuego101 · 30/11/2015 23:53

DSD did this a couple of years ago. It killed DH and I tbh, so I really feel for you. I don't think DSD really understood that the grass is greener, because her mum spoils her, but it did change the dynamic for the better a bit, I feel.

Atenco · 01/12/2015 03:38

I have a friend who opted to send their sons to live with their dads because she felt that he needed a male role model close at hand. Her son returned to live with her when he was eighteen and is a lovely young man.

I think you should give him your blessing. And don't worry about him saying that he hates you, I was told that so often by my dd when she went through her hormonal stage, it eventually lost its sting.

elizalovelace · 01/12/2015 07:58

For you, I know how you feel. It hurts.

atticusclaw2 · 01/12/2015 08:05

This is happening to my DSis at the moment. Difference is that her XH lives on a different continent. She'll see her son over the summer and for a week at Christmas. It's breaking her heart but she feels she has to let him go.

tribpot · 01/12/2015 08:13

Can't you move to there to facilitate 50:50?

His dad must surely understand why it's important that he's pushed to do his homework, even if he hasn't been enforcing it during his weekend of contact (perhaps reasoning that he has such little time with him it's a shame to be wasting it on the homework battle). Have you talked to him seriously about what he would need to do to stop your ds drifting out of education and training before he's even done his GCSEs? How qualified is the dad, I mean does he even value formal education or does he see that some people can make it without qualifications and thus thinks your ds should find his own path? (I strongly disagree with this despite having two brothers who are successful business owners, both of whom left school at 16 with a handful of GCSEs).

TooSassy · 01/12/2015 08:21

Oh OP

I do so feel for you. I have two (still relatively young) DC's. My STBXH have separated fairly recently. My eldest is struggling the most.
He has already occasionally said I hate you and I want to live with my dad. My response is (and will always be), I love you. You always have a place with me but I will not stand in your way.

I can see this happening to me in a few years potentially. It won't be easy by any means but I can categorically tell you I would let him go. Just imagine if you can the amount of resentment your son would have if you stood in his way. That resentment could last a lifetime. Do you want that?

I can only imagine how heartbreaking this must be after all you've done for him. But be strong and recognise that longer term the best thing you can do is to let him go. Re the academics....again this is your DC's choice at this age.

So sorry OP.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/12/2015 09:07

My DD did exactly this and my Ex lives abroad. She was 13 nearly 14.
Her behaviour got so bad it seemed like a good plan.
She was awful when she lived with him as well.
But she can now speak the language fluently along with bits of other languages.
He did something and I got on the next flight I could and brought her home with me.
She had a bit of settling in and now she is great.
It just seemed to sort her out somehow.
It was her choice, she realised she needed to get away from the influences here.
She's not perfect but at nearly 18 I am now very proud of her.
She appreciates me far more now.

I would let him go and just let him know the door is always open and he can return any time he wants to because you love him.
It could be the making of him.
It's heartbreaking, I know, but sometimes we have to let go.

Sighing · 01/12/2015 10:34

My DH was this teenager (in some ways). He wanted to live with his Dad in the city, rather than a house of sisters in a small town.
So off he went. He found out more about his Dad, grew closer and also found out the flaws for himself. He had a chance to recognise the role of his mum and stepdad too.
He then moved out to be on his own as soon as he could. He was old enough to want freedom / his own choices. At the same age I (with parents together) dreamed of living with other relatives/ on my own as well. Weirdly it is perhaps an advantage of this sort of family set up. Maybe seriously discuss ways of allowing more independence and decision making. Shift more onus onto him for contact with both parents / fitting in friends / hobbies/ school.

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