So it all erupted last night after a day spent indoors during which we probably all got cabin fever.
I was talking to ds about how I was maybe thinking of doing a reflexology course but that the quite big in this case issue of having to touch feet was something I was not sure about. Brought on by the fact that I met my friend's friend (who is a reflexologist) last week, and she mentioned wearing gloves if people have athlete's foot...
Dh, from his sofa, really scathingly said that I was wasting my time thinking about this and it was never going to happen etc... I should have left it at this point but I was rattled by his horrible tone so asked him what he meant etc... He then said, in an equally horrible voice, that I was a "queen" who would be too "ooooo" "oooooo" to clean people's feet. Sounds laughable I know but his tone was really nasty and contemptuous. He said I should not waste any time or brain space on the idea as it was never going to happen.
Unfortunately I then rose to the bait and said that a. reflexology was not cleaning people's feet 
but massage, and a whole host of other things defending myself and asking me what he meant. It transpired that he meant that I am apparently too much of a queen to pick the piles of clothes up upstairs and that any housework that I do do (when I protested about what I do) is only shortlived 
.
I couldn't stop repeating the horrible way he had made the sounds that were supposed to be me being a queen as I was so hurt by this, and the whole thing turned into a big argument. I was telling him he could have been kinder in terms of how he delivered his opinion on me and reflexology, he was saying no he didn't do that (obviously not ).
We are now not speaking. This is what dh does - if he feels that an argument has somehow gone too far, he detaches completely. I have been through many periods during which he hasn't spoken to me and it has caused me a lot of pain. This has got a lot better as we went through a massive massive crisis over this and other things earlier on this year, but the tendency is still there and I knew that today would be like this. The last time it happened was on holiday in August when I had to send dh an email after about four days of the silent treatment, to ask him to start talking and apologising for my part in the argument (incidentally dh never ever apologises).
The difference today is that I have somehow had enough. I feel that the way he spoke to me last night re. housework etc. was really contemptuous. I don't understand why we can't be like other couples who might argue but then just hug and make up. Dh does not do discussions about us ever, and while we are getting on a lot better than during our terrible crisis earlier on this year, we only ever talk about superficial things. Never about us.
Dh is not affectionate with me, and I do feel that I am running on empty. It doesn't help that I am doing a course and have felt vague feelings of attraction to one of the students. When I say vague I mean vague but they are kind of there, and I know that a whole lot of projection goes on when a crush brews, but this person seems to be very open and communicative and I realise that that is what I yearn for - connection and communication.
I have spent the whole weekend preparing for a mini teaching session that is part of this course, and dh has (naturally) asked me nothing about it. I was sat at the dining table getting my materials together and it's like I wasn't there. Dh just went to bed - I must have sat here for a good hour before that and not a word. My sister also came over this afternoon and he did not say a word to her either.
I have been through this routine so many times, and I know that we come out the other side, but really it's crap. What is it about me that I don't seem to deserve a loving, communicative and affectionate relationship? I could go upstairs now and get into bed next to him and feel even more lonely than I usually feel, but really I am fed up with this puerile way of being. I am sure it feeds into my experience of my parents, who though very loving, were quite not domineering exactly, but you would not have crossed them in a way. So if I know that I am not being spoken to by dh I kind of hang my head in shame and wait for it to pass. Well sod that, this is only a half life.
It doesn't help that last night he dyed his hair a colour which has come out so so dark that it looks terrible. Now not only can I not bear to look at him because I can't face the closed ostracising me face, but I cannot bear to look at his hair which looks dreadful. Then I feel so sad because I think he is finding getting older hard, but he is not an easy person. Though he can be lighthearted and funny, he is also often on a short fuse. Eg. after two long days when I had hardly seen him - on the first one of those dd2 was ill and I spent the day sorting out the kitchen which was a tip, and on the second I had work so was out for 7 to 8 hours - I got home and the first thing he did was kick something out of the way which I had left in the wrong place on the floor (near a wall) and which he apparently kept on walking in to. He couldn't say oh nice to see you (he had been away), or even just pick the things up himself, he had to make a point of bad temperedly kicking them out of the way. It's his short fuse and lack of affection and open communication which I find difficult.
Thanks for listening to me ranting. It's really very difficult as we get on ok most of the time, even if we are not close (and he never touches me 
). Well enough for our family to function and we do laugh about the dc a lot etc...
Then arguments like this happen and I am plunged back into that dark world. I think the difference this time is that, due to my not really worth mentioning vague crush on this fellow student, I am kind of wondering when it is going to be my turn to share ideas, laughter, be affectionate 
. Almost as if I no longer have to put up with his immature dynamic as there is another world out there which is just out of reach (except there isn't as divorce would mean seeing I don't know how much less of my kids and I couldn't bear that). Dh and I have been together for almost 20 years and maybe it's just too long??