First date , pink flag ??

[dizzycatdance]

Hi all

my very first OLD date.

Sweet chap, two hours laughing/ chatting over coffee flew by.

He walked me back to my van. It's in a total heap inside ( just helped a friend move house ) looks like a skip / the hoarded next door !

So I Asked " don't look in the van it's a tip"

And then he bloody well looks right in side and comments on a book that's on the front seat.

Im a bit sensitive to my requests / opinion being ignored as durring the two years I cared for my stbxh when he had severe mh problems stbxh would respect ANYONES opinion / requests over mine. Stbxh made me feel irrelevant.

Sooooo what could I text / say to OLD chap ??

I think you are reading too much in to this!

Honestly? I wouldn't say anything. It was probably a knee jerk reaction to being told not to look!
It wouldn't even cross my mind to say anything.

It's psychology. Don't think of the elephant makes you think of nothing but elephants.

What was his comment on the book? He nicely sidestepped the mess of a van didn't he?

It's impossible NOT to look when someone says that to you!

He probably thought you were joking. It's the kind of thing I say all the time without expecting anyone to pay any attention (my car is usually a mess).

Honestly? If my date text me and said he was having 2nd thoughts because I'd done something after he'd specifically asked me to do, especially when it's as harmless as glancing at a book in a van, I'd think what a controlling twat he was and that would be a huge red flag.

I think he just thought you meant "Ignore the state of the car."

I also think that it's really hard not to when someone just told you not to!
Also, he'd reasonably assume that if you seriously couldn't bear to have someone see it, you'd have cleared it / not brought it / walked back to it alone.
It's the sort of thing people (well, messy buggers like me!) say all the time - OMG, don't look!
He didn't criticise it, did he?

And breathe ..........

Thanks all,

He made a jokey / cheeky comment about the book. A "dig" but in an ok way.

I struggle with what is "ok" a bit since stbxh behaviour as I had the "but hes ILL" brigade down my neck of if i ever commented on how he treated me
So I just sucked it up and buried my angst.

Not even a Pink flag, hurrah!

What was ths dig?

I haven't done it, but have you seen people on here frequently mention the Freedom Programme? Could be worth doing, after your experience with ex.

"Don't look in my van" is a silly thing to say. DO you really think someone is going to judge you on the state of your car? If you do, tidy it or keep it away from people. Don't tell them not to look.

I would totally look, and say something silly back.

Commenting on the book is a way to make light of it, to say "chill out about your van, nobody is going to judge you on how messy your car is, I looked and nothing bad has happened".

Huge overreaction! Give him another chance!

I am giving him a other chance, that's why I came here for some advice.

I will step away from the "send" button and put down the sensitivity !

Hi dizzy - just to say I really relate to your post. I freak out if partners do anything which reminds me of exh. It's a reflex

No, not a pink flag x

"Pink flag"? Wtf? Do they sell them at the grip shop?

Oh reality that's a bit harsh.

My first date in 25 years, After a frankly horrendous experience with stbxh,

Im not sure at all as to what is "ok" , given a very good reality check here ( Thanks every body) , the "pink" flag in the title aludes to my confusion.

But thanks for the support.

I need to know what the dig at the book was before i dismiss whether it was a red flag or not...

I agree, the dig at the book would be more of a flag to me than looking in the van....... what did he say?

I get this op, I had a horrible relationship that kind of lured me in unaware and now am constantly on the 'look out' for signs and over thinking things!

As others have said I don't think this is one though. So, how's it going aside from the van thing? Have you heard from him since the date?

He's a sweet chap and you spent two hours laughing and chatting?

Sounds good to me!

You've realised you were overreacting so perhaps you can look forward to a second date?

I am looking forward to another date.

The "dig" was because I said I was "sort of a cathoilc" when we were chatting (I struggle with my faith) and there on the front seat was a really "Catholic" book ( the magnicat) not my cup of tea, a friend a church foisted it on me this am and I didn'thave the heart to refuse.

He was (in a jokey way) "you have the magnificat !"

A bit like a vegetarian having half frozen pig in the passenger seat ???

a sort of "wwhhhasttt ???" Reaction

Ok i can move past that. If probably react in the same way lol.