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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help with stress

7 replies

Cadenza1818 · 21/11/2015 16:27

Hi
I have a lovely caring dh. Fir 3 yes he's been getting more and more stressed. We've tried putting strategies in place like turning phone off. Today I saw him smash up his laptop then break down in tears shaking. Half hour later he apologised and said he was struggling to cope.
I can't talk to anyone in rl about this. Is he having a breakdown? How can I help? He's moving to a new job soon but worry this stress will continue.

OP posts:
myfirstandonlylove · 23/11/2015 17:07

Ok. I recognise these symptoms so he is certainly not alone. I don't think the term breakdown is medically approved so would prefer to call it a period of severely elevated stress. Sometimes is a one off. sometimes the beginning of depression.
Find out if you havent already what exactly is causing him stress and emphasise you will not be judgemental. As I know only too well men (I am one) often feel they are not allowed to show they are not coping. In fact anger is about the only rubberstamped by the patriarchy male emotion there is. Which partly explains the male suicide rate. Anyway have that conversation and prepare it to be a long drawn out one. Therapy is you can afford it is by far the best solution but requires emotional investment. Samaritans I have also found an excellent ear. PM me if you need.

pocketsaviour · 23/11/2015 22:03

Will he see the GP? that's the first port of call.

Is he currently working his notice? Is the stress mainly work-related? If he is moving companies then I'd suggest he gets signed off sick til his notice expires, or negotiates a reduced notice period with his employers.

cheapskatemum · 23/11/2015 23:02

You can get 6 sessions of counselling on NHS if referred by GP, I think if your DH is so stressed he's smashing up his laptop and crying, this would be a good course to take. Best wishes supporting him.

Original poster
Cadenza1818 · 23/11/2015 23:37

Hi Thanks you for encouraging replies.
Myfirstandonlylove - thank you good to get a male response. He's fairly open and we have good communication. I've had two parents with depression and im not seeing signs similar. It's very Confusing when one min he's coping really well and others he's not.
Pocketsaviour - he won't see gp as he thinks he's.fine! Ive made him take a big gap in between jobs to kinda reassess. Def work related. Been a nightmare job.
Cheapskate mum - didn't know that. Thanks!
It's.encouraging that previous two ppl doing this job resigned due.to stress so hoping it's just job!

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 23/11/2015 23:58

Why can't you speak to anyone in RL?

Are you both ashamed of MH issues?

You say he won't see a counsellor but you also say we have put strategies in place, you have made him take a gap in jobs. You are being the counsellor. It isn't working.

He should get a properly trained professional counsellor. If he feels shame about MH problems then can go direct to a private therapist and the GP never has to hear about it.

Maybe if you point out that you can't be his therapist he might go and get one to relieve the stress placed on you by his behaviour.

CheersMedea · 24/11/2015 15:28

I think he needs to make a list of all the factors that are causing him stress and take it from there. After that, then prioritise the ones that cause the most stress and see if there is anything that can be done.

What exactly is it?
Eg:
bullying from colleagues;
too much work to be done in too short a time;
lack of managerial support;
financial pressure (eg. if he doesn't meet xyz target doesn't get bonus= financial difficulties for you and him)

Massive work stress usually has other supporting factors around it - for example lack of an adequate support network and so on.

A key indicator of stress is a loss of sense of proportion. A holiday/break is typically a good idea. The person will often say "No I can't take the time" but that is a bad approach - because better a short break now than a nervous break down and huge loss of income when they become unemployed.

Original poster
Cadenza1818 · 25/11/2015 16:20

Runrabbitrun - hadn't really seen it that way till you said. Not ashamed of mh issues at all. Just suppose hadn't occurred to either of us to seek help outside of each other. It's only now where I realise I'm a bit our ofu depth.
Cheersmedea - the issues are too much workload and working to too many masters who want opposing things. He's Def lost sense of perspective like not taking hol thing

OP posts:
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