Realising how emotionally messed up you are

[Coldasice200]

Since becoming a new parent I've realised how emotionally flawed I am and how much my childhood has impacted this. Before this I thought I had my shit together...

Are the two connected, does becoming a new mother open your eyes to what you don't want for your children?
Not really expecting much from this thread, but I feel like I've had an epiphany, did others feel the same?
How do I fix these issues?

It definitely did for me. I had psychotherapy a couple of years down the line. It didn't fix anything but it gave me inner strength.

Yep!

Having my daughter really highlighted the dysfunction in my relationship with my mother. I'm having CBT it's helping me understand and let go of anger/guilt. It also is giving me the tools to raise my self esteem.

Yes and no- what happened to me was developing PND, which (after 12 years of hindsight) I actually think was in response to a subconscious realisation that the huge emotional 'void' inside me wasn't going to be filled by a man and a baby.

Having a baby sure throws you in the deep end emotionally. I found that nothing really prepared me for how confronting it was to be 100% at the beck and call of a helpless person. My 10-year-old is still trying to play that card, but now I'm allowed to tell her to get over herself

You may be interested in reading about 'Attachment Theory', which helps to explain how our early experiences with our parents can affect our future relationships profoundly.

Please don't underestimate how important it is that you've realised this with such clarity! That's an amazing step- and anything you do to work through things now is only going to benefit your child. I would recommend finding a counsellor or psychologist you click with.

Oh yes. Things like the parent-child relationship isn't meant to involve constant fear. Pleasure is good in itself, not an indulgence. They're not your property.

Absolutely. I had 4 years of quite intense therapy once DS1 arrived. Initially things with his Dad were awful, anyhow, so I assumed some of it was a rocky relationship and then our split. But nope, none of it. It was entirely my flaws and past I had to come to grips with.

If it helps, I'm 10 years down the line and happy, healthy (emotionally) and the DCs are awesome in spite of my underlying idiocy/issues. The epiphany was the defining point of my life.

Oh shit yes. Becoming a parent has definitely done that for me. It started before DS was even born tbh; I was desperate for him not to be a girl because I don't know how mothers are meant to love girls. I did have a mother btw.

My past as a child informs my present as a parent, every day.

Lacontessa, I felt the same after years of not wanting a child when I met my husband and we eventually decided to try for a child was dreading having a daughter and low and behold- I had a daughter, who I love immensely but I feel pressured to 'do it right'

Yip. The pressure you are suddenly under and tiredness of being a new mum yip definitely brings out the worst (at times). Pre kids we have learned how to hold it together after having kids, it changes.

My counsellor confirmed (after I raised it as a theory) that having a daughter of your own to love and treat with respect can help you in some ways to fill the gap from when you were that girl and didn't get the live or respect you needed. So in that way I envy you. I do feel myself thaw a bit every time my boys show that they are content and loved now, but I wonder if it would be more overt with a daughter. I'll never know now....

I can see what your counsellor means though I do feel I sometimes overcompensate due to this.

I had spent my pre child years being put down by family and desperate to keep the peace. When DD was born I suddenly found this strength that didn't exist before. I didn't want my DC to go through what I did.

lacontessa I must confess I was upset when I found out DC1 was female. I thought I'd never know how to handle a girl but I soon realised it didn't matter a jot, I just needed to deal with my DD. But when I got pregnant again all those fears came back. How could I cope with two DDs, when my family history and personal experiences have sucked? Thankfully DC2 is my DS so he brings his own challenges and I can continue to bury my head in the sand.

Yep. I cracked up after dd. Got therapy finally though for the years of sexual and emotional abuse I've had. Found the strength to tell several " friends " to fuck off. And family. Still have to jump in a roasting hot shower and scrub my imaginary filthy dirty self myself raw as soon as I wake up each day but baby steps. I'd like to be able to go have a coffee first someday.

I feel I can relate to this as well. I have a strange relationship with my Mum and it effects how I am with my daughter so partly don't want to make the same mistakes as I don't want her to feel like I did but already making some of the same mistakes

For me, i started off having more sympathy for my mother, but as the years have passed I've noticed more and more how disconnected she is from my emotional reality - it doesn't matter how much explaining I do, she just can't ever see where I'm coming from. I must state that she has a surplus of empathy for complete strangers so its not that she is incapable. If I ever treated my kids that way I'd regard myself as a failure. Feeling emotionally close to them, understanding what they feel, is what I live for!