Advice for getting through this weekend.

[mrsrabbitsays]

My husband and I at separating. We haven't really decided if it's a trial or not. We haven't been a proper couple for about two years, more like brother and sister. We have three children though. He is moving out to a shared flat on Monday. Part of me wants to say .. This is all a big mistake .. Another part wants to say we will get through this and life will be better for our kids without all the arguing.
I just know I will be devastated on Monday evening when the house is empty and the children are crying.
how do you get through the early stages?

My stbexh left 3 weeks ago to move back to his mothers and last weekend moved into a flat on his own. I coped by not being in the house when he packed his stuff up and left, I took the kids to the cinema and had an evening meal out with them. It helped that he moved out on a Saturday.

It was weird without him, and yes I've shamed myself begging him to come home, BUT on the evening he left, I had a glass of wine, cuddles from the kids and discussed how we all felt about the situation, asked if there was anything they wanted to do or change or any place they wanted to go. We made a list and are implementing the changes that were asked for.

It's not easy, but be easy on yourself, it's ok to cry and to cry in front of the kids, they will know you are hurting and may try to bottle their feelings so not to upset you more but by crying in front of them you are showing that it is ok to be upset.

Good luck

My ex left recently to move into his parents and it is really hard. I try to keep busy. Do things that you and your dc's want to do especially if there are things you couldn't before without your DH moaning e.g. watch what you want to watch, change small things in your house around you. My ex didn't like any lights on in an evening so we sat in the dark with just light from the tv. He never liked candles or wrinkly lights and absolutely hated christmas. I think bloody has a good idea with making a list involving your DC's.

Twinkly lights not wrinkly!

If you're not sure, let him moving into the flat be a break for both of you, you'll soon know whether you've done the right thing or not.

I've also painted my kitchen (cupboards and walls) to keep busy, you can't sit on the sofa for cushions (and dogs now allowed up) and throws, I have also spent a small fortune on kitting out the kitchen - new cuttelry, crockery, utensils, kettle, toaster, tins for baking, sugar, tea and coffee jars you name it he came last night for something and I asked him to make coffee whilst I was busy on something he was shocked at all the replacements but he didn't want any of it when asked oh and I've replaced the bed and all the bedding.

The kids and I are making plans to go away without him and take our dogs with us as they have never been on holiday with us before, even if we only get a few days away it will be fabulous.

You go girl!

Keep busy

Make a list of things your DC want to do with you

make changes at home. My STBXH was all about neutrals. I've changed that somewhat.

Get a good boxset / Netflix series and enjoy it...

You'll be ok. First you'll be looking at the hours. Then you will take it day by day. Then week by week. Before you know it a few months will have passed and you and your DC's will have adjusted to a new way of life.

It won't be easy. But listen, give it a try. Sounds like nothing definite has been decided. So use the space as opportunity to reevaluate.

How are you doing mrsrabbit?

I went to a friends house for tea. He is not leaving until tomorrow morning. Such a prolonged departure. I just need to watch a box set or something.. Then tomorrow. Thanks for asking. How are you doing? Xx

Keep us posted OP

Stay strong. Xx

Blazing argument about debt. All the debts are in my name and he's transferred the dmp. Kids go to bed late . Tomorrow I won't be here so you better be nice to me now .. Etc. nearly buckled and told him to stay. Not going to be able to sleep .

What a total tosser, as if you have to be nice to him AT ALL. Keep yourself busy, keep out the house if you have to as long as you trust him to not take anything that isn't his. I might accidentally lose my house key this evening and have to change the locks and conveniently forget to give him a copy of the new one.

It took my stbexh 2 weeks to leave (because I was a doormat and allowed him time to gather all his things and find somewhere to go) and it was terrible, we would sit together in an evening for a few hours and talk over the same topic again and again - the day he left was a huge weight off my shoulders as well as an upset one.

Keep coming and sharing what you need to in order to get through the day and the coming weeks. because today isn't go to be easy

Get through today OP.

Stay strong. His reaction should tell you all yu need to know that you are doing the right thing.
Instead of being a good person and saying 'I love you, I'm doing this to give us space, am hoping we can work through...etc etc' he gives you a bunch of threats?

Listen, you're about 2 months behind me.
That first few weeks is rough. Now? I wouldn't have him back for anything...

So he's gone.. With all his stuff. He tried to hug me as he went. I keep on expecting to cry, but actually feel very relieved.
Will the shock and grief hit me at some point ?
The children were fine. I am a teacher and have taught 3 lessons so far today whilst putting a brave face on everything.

The shock and grief will come, right now you are ignoring the pain you are feeling as you are working, it might not even be tonight it comes, make sure you confide in some one in RL as you might want a friend to come and bring tissues or take the kids out for a bit. I sent an group chat message to who I thought were my closest friends and asked for support.

A very un-mumsnetty hug and wishes for you to keep going

OP.

The shock will hit. How far away that is is down to you. I personally felt overwhelming relief than far longer than I thought was normal. Although that is possibly a sign of how toxic the atmosphere between the two of us had gotten.

I honestly found it a relief to not come home to his grey cloud of general negativity and malaise.
For quite some time.

Sadness will come. As will anger. Just have RL support on hand and you'll be fine! Oh and come and post on here for plenty of hand holding. The mnet crowd here are AmAZING! And someone is always here to help!

Thanks everyone. Big load of relief still as he continues to reveal all the details of our life on Facebook. He is quite a twat. Kids have been really happy this evening without the fights. Thanks for the support. So lovely to know people are here .

You sound like you're doing really well. Stay strong.

Well you have done your first night with out him, you're still here the kids are and hopefully unlike me you still have your dignity intact and didn't rise to Facebook and answer back I posted a couple of P/A status' aimed at him and her

Take today as it comes and remember you are now 24 hrs into breaking the habit - the hardest bit is over as its happened xxxx

and take a few deep breaths to face today

Ah the Facebook reveal.

I think this has become a standard step. Wash all your (one sided) dirty air on laundry....

I came off FB, no plans to go back on anytime soon. Ignore and don't respond OP.

My post makes NO sense. Air your dirty laundry that should read. Note to self, do not post before imbibing caffeine!