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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex H has accepted a school place for DCs without any discussion/input from me

18 replies

JanuaryKat · 11/11/2015 21:57

Currently going through a long & drawn out divorce from abudive H.
We have 2 DCs & due to school closure I'm trying to find new schools.
Today, ex H accepted places for DCs at an independent school. No discussion with me. I was aware of the offer but uncomfortable with the head teacher, pastoral care, x H's ability to pay the fees (he has told me he is about to go bankrupt) & the distance - 40 min drive.
Where do I stand in all this?

OP posts:
FishWithABicycle · 11/11/2015 22:05

If he's signed a contract on acceptance he will probably be liable for a term or two's fees but that puts you at no obligation send your DC there. Find the right school for your DC.

Original poster
JanuaryKat · 11/11/2015 22:20

Thanks, I'm getting major anxiety about it. Which is so bloody pathetic. The head phoned me today to tell mea condition of the offer was for 'mum & dad to have a meeting together even though they don't love each other anymore...'
I've spent a long time trying to recover from the abuse I was subjected to. I've just come off ADs. Itake each day & sometimes hour/minute as it comes. I could not cope with being in the same building let alone room as ex H. This makes it seem like I am the awkward one, causing a fuss.
I want to do what is best for DCs. Can I register them at local state schools whithout ex Hs 'permission'?

OP posts:
DoreenLethal · 11/11/2015 22:24

Did you not tell the head that 'dad' has told you nothing of this and is just about to declare himself bankrupt and he might want to rethink that offer?

cranberryx · 11/11/2015 22:36

I would write to the head, as the above meeting request sounds immature at best!

Make him aware that you had no knowledge of your ex's application, cannot see your children attending as you 'do not agree with the values of the school' and are concerned you could be legally liable for the fees as your ex is facing bankruptcy.

That should be enough to get the head to not push it, and he might not accept them based on that.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 11/11/2015 22:45

So sorry - an difficult ex is a nightmare.

Can I register them at local state schools whithout ex Hs 'permission'?

I can answer this one, as I went through similar with my ex. The answer is probably, yes.

Most LA school application forms include a section that asks the person who signs it to confirm whether or not everyone with parental responsibility agrees with the application.
If you indicate "no", then their school admissions policy will set out how they deal with applications where parents don't agree.
Generally (not always, so worth checking) the LA will consider the application from the parent in receipt of Child Benefit.
That's not to say that your ex couldn't apply to court for a specific issue order relating to where the DCs are schooled - but he'd have to have a damn good case for not agreeing with your selection.

FishWithABicycle · 11/11/2015 23:06

a condition of the offer was for 'mum & dad to have a meeting together even though they don't love each other anymore...'

WT-actual-F?
What patronising patriarchal BOLLOCKS.

Though actually despite that, kind of a good thing as that means the offer is not yet "fully" in place so you can tell the head, politely, where to stick his offer at the same time as making it clear that any meetings between you and abusive-ex are none of his fucking business.

zipzap · 11/11/2015 23:23

Sounds horrendous - sorry your ex is putting you through this.

In addition to the stuff that has already been mentioned, I'd ask the head what their policy is for the meeting when one of the parents has been abusive (and if it's different for different types of abuse - if so, why).

I'd also say that as your ex has been abusive in the past, you have been very strongly advised only to deal with him at court or mediation (or whatever) and that for any formal meetings you expect to have your solicitor with you - so will they be prepared to pay for that?

Putting everything into writing, setting out you did not know that your ex was considering this school, that it is not one that you considered due to distance and the unsuitability for your dc, and that you are not in a position to pay fees - you need to make sure that your ex hasn't signed anything on your behalf...

Guessing schooling has come up as part of the divorce talks - can your solicitor fire a warning letter to your ex and cc it to the school to show them how seriously you are taking this?

Also sounds like you need to get a new school chosen asap unfortunately so that he can't argue that he had to choose something as you didn't. Is it near to where he lives so convenient for him but not for you - and thus a tactic to get the dc to spend more time with him? Or just to be awkward for you as you'll have to get them to and from school for all that distance? Or another reason...

Good luck!

lunar1 · 11/11/2015 23:40

If you meet with the school, don't sign anything. And make it clear you will not be funding any part of the school place if he were to go bankrupt. They may withdraw the offer if you aren't both on board.

independentfriend · 12/11/2015 00:08

The school will want to be sure its fees will be paid, so pass on info re your ex's finances - hopefully the offer will be withdrawn.

Original poster
JanuaryKat · 12/11/2015 02:46

Thank you so much for the advice. The school want a yes or no from me'within 24hrs'. I've asked ex to confirm he will pay the fees - no response so far.
The DCs have spent taster days at various schools over the past couple of weeks. This one was one of them. But my youngest spent most of it in a&e after a fall. I know accidents happen but the head didn't even ask after my child (he's ok btw).

OP posts:
Suddenlyseymour · 12/11/2015 03:33

How can it be anything other than a no from you? He's about to be made bankrupt ffs! You realise where this could lead you?

BitOutOfPractice · 12/11/2015 04:32

Just say no to the school then and explain yiou hadn't been consulted.

iminshock · 12/11/2015 09:07

What do your children want ?

Original poster
JanuaryKat · 12/11/2015 09:18

Luckily the DCs (5 & 10) have liked every school we have looked around so far but prefer to go to one closer to home.

OP posts:
wheresthebeach · 12/11/2015 09:23

Just piling in to agree with the others. Say no. Not possible financially and refuse to sign anything that means you're liable for the fees. Refuse the meeting on the grounds of past abuse and make a state application.

At DD's independent school both parents have to sign or the offer is withdrawn.

April2013 · 12/11/2015 09:30

My sister went to a private school initially then her parents split and he wouldn't continue with the fees so she changed school at start of 2nd year which was V disruptive and she never settled at the new school, bullying, truency etc. So I think if there is any doubt the fees can be paid for the full length of school it is a terrible idea, you are absolutely right to refuse - this is a decision that will potentially damage their early teenage years massively.

iminshock · 12/11/2015 10:06

Neither patent should decide unilaterally.

Original poster
JanuaryKat · 12/11/2015 11:38

That's a good point, April - if there is no guarantee that fees will be paid the DCs would be in the same situation. They are already going through the trauma of their school closing. They need security.

I have let the school know & await their reply. Ex H seems to be treating it like a game.

OP posts:
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