Life is very hard sometimes

[mittenstring]

I have been away for a few days visiting my parents. Dad is undergoing chemo and mum is on the verge of a breakdown so things are pretty intense there.

My partner of 9 years is a depressed alcoholic, life has been pretty miserable with him for a while now but I always held a hope he would get the help he needed to get better.

Last night I met up with a very close (male) friend who showed me explicit messages sent to him from my OH propositioning him.

I don't really feel angry, just sad for OH as he is obviously so messed up. He doesn't know that I know and I'm now on my way back home, don't really know what to do.

You feel sad for oh?

Alrighty then

enablers

Applies to all enabling, not just alcoholics

You sound broken my love.
Most people would be angry not sad.

Well you've got a lot on your plate for sure. Sorry about your parents but with your partner, might it be time to cut loose? He's an adult, he doesn't need to depend on you,.....especially not if he is cheating x

What a difficult situation. Yes, it does sound like your oh is a mess, but try and think of yourself and why you are sad and not angry...had you any idea he had feelings for men?

I Suppose I am broken.
I already told him if he doesn't get help I am leaving next year once I can sell the house. I am just quite numb really.
He was abused as a child so I think he is just very damaged.
I am afraid if he knows I know he will go on a bender and I can't deal with that.

is the house yours ?

tell him to leave

He was abused as a child so I think he is just very damaged. I am afraid if he knows I know he will go on a bender and I can't deal with that.

It's not your job to fix him, OP.

He's an adult. If he decides to start drinking himself to death, that's a choice he's made, not something you can avoid or control.

He's not going to get help (with drinking or with overcoming his past abuse) just because you want him to. He has to want it for himself, and he pretty clearly doesn't because he's had 9 years to sort himself out since you've been together, and hasn't done so.

Are you married? Is the house jointly owned?

Not married and house is mine. Sounds very simple when it's written down. It's his turn to have his kids this year for Christmas and I wanted them to have somewhere to go.
I sound like such a pushover but haven't got the heart or energy to make him leave. And yes I still feel sad for him, more fool me.

Sometimes the hardest thing to accept is that it's not your responsibility.

He's not your responsibility, really - he isn't. For all the complications and sadness in his past, do not let him drag you down with him. It's simply not possible to mend someone on such a destructive path. You clearly can't have a fulfilling relationship with him, and he clearly needs more targeted help than you are able to give him.

I really feel for you OP, but don't let your compassion be your undoing.

Yes, more fool you

Your life will not change until you change it.

I'm really sorry to hear about your dad.

As to the rest your life will be as shit as this until you decide that this man is not your problem, you can't fix him and you are choosing misery.