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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Jumping to conclusions?

30 replies

MaryGorddon · 03/11/2015 22:54

I am not sure of the significance of small remarks made at start of new relationship. The guy is generally very humorous, but has made a few mildly derisory jokes, eg about my height, 'I'll get you a ladder so you can see", my IT skills etc. He has also said things like "you are quite pretty".... I don't feel offended or that he has pointed out something unfair but wonder if is a warning sign of anything? (Paranoidly awaits replies )

OP posts:

ILiveAtTheBeach · 03/11/2015 23:04

My DH made some really stupid comments on our first dates, because he was so nervous. Eg. "I like asian types" (I'm blonde/blue eyed) and "Yeh, I think that wedding invite that's coming might not mention a Plus 1, cos I'm never with anyone for long" Pfft! He could see the reaction in my face. Fact is he hadn't been in many long relationships, but it just all came out so very wrong cos he was so nervous. We're still together and happily married 7 years later. I've joked with him about those early guffaws and he says "Yeh, what a prick!" I wouldn't over think it, but if you're offended do let him know. Personally, the ladder joke wouldn't offend me - and I am short - but I love being 5ft 2, maybe if I didn't it would be a different story?

IrritableBitchSyndrome · 03/11/2015 23:11

Hmm. Keep an eye on that... if it doesn't stop, and isn't just being nervous and saying dumb things. He might be insecure or have problems that make him put you down in jokey ways to prop up his own ego, which can really diminish your self esteem. It could be a red flag for a potentially abusive relationship, in my experience. Or ILiveAtTheBeach could be spot on! Go slow, be wary

lordStrange · 03/11/2015 23:14

No no no. I don't like this!

I spent too long with a 'humorous' type of partner and found the ongoing digs at my expense eventually rather crushing. The jokes were like a mask he used for his own hapless being.

'Quite pretty' what an arse. I wouldn't bother op.

SlightF0x · 03/11/2015 23:18

I don't know if the ''i'll get you a ladder'' comment would seem like a warning to me, but ''you're quite pretty'' is odd. LIke, don't go getting a big head, you're only quite pretty.

I wouldn't want too many digs passing for humour though. Tell him to stop.

ChilliAndBint · 03/11/2015 23:20

I wouldn't look too much into this.
If the laugh a minute and mildly derisory comments continue on a regular basis, I'd tell him you find his remarks somewhat insulting.
I wouldn't be throwing the towel in just yet.

Toffeelatteplease · 03/11/2015 23:24

Have you tried the "do you realise how offensive that remark was?" approach.

Original poster

MaryGorddon · 03/11/2015 23:25

Thanks everyone. Glad it worked out well ILiveAtTheBeach and just nerves Not sure if these comments are benign. I should add that the quite pretty remark was used by him to apparently explain his observation of why I wore so little (the implication, too little) makeup.

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NameChange30 · 03/11/2015 23:25

I think they're red flags. Why would you want to go out with someone who makes constant "jokey" digs at you?! Find someone who makes you feel good about yourself. Life's too short to date losers.

dsaaa · 04/11/2015 06:52

I think it depends on you. if you can see this as 'banter' or nervous foot in mouth syndrome and can brush it off then no problem. But if you suffer from self-esteem issues or take offence easily then you should probably point it out to see if he realises he's offending you, and if he carries on then get out of the relationship. I dated a guy whose previous relationship had involved lots of trading insults, which was just viewed as banter, but when he did it to me it just wore me down and destroyed my self-confidence.

Ponytailandquiff · 04/11/2015 09:07

I hate this. I have been out with men who have made personal comments and I do not forgive. I enjoy banter and teasing but nothing personal about my appearance.

One guy said I had 'old hands' about ten times. I never saw him again.

I wouldn't tell a 93 year old they had old hands so why did he feel he could say that to me? No thanks.

Fratelli · 04/11/2015 10:51

I wouldn't go out with him personally. The beginning of a relationship should be worry free and I think compliments should be paid. If he's saying you're quite pretty now, what might he be saying a few months/years down the line? The height remark seems like a genuine joke. The rest just seems not very nice

category12 · 04/11/2015 11:43

If it bugs you, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, it bugs you. I would take it as my subconscious telling me he's "negging" me or that he's going to undermine my self esteem over time. I wouldn't stick around. Relationships are supposed to feel good.

Original poster

MaryGorddon · 04/11/2015 13:57

Thanks for all the useful comments. I don't actually feel offended (at the moment!) but at the back of my mind wondered if this could be the precursor of more unpleasant behaviour. From Irritable and lordStrange's experiences it looks as if could be a red flag...

OP posts:

ruddygreattiger · 04/11/2015 15:00

Hmm, so he has made 'jokes' about your height, ITskills and prettiness? Dunno, maybe when you dtd make a jokey remark along the lines of 'apparently good things come in small packages' whilst looking at his knob - do let us know if he finds that funny

ruddygreattiger · 04/11/2015 15:04

My oh has just chipped in aswell, after you dtd make a remark that it was 'quite nice' .

Original poster

MaryGorddon · 04/11/2015 15:19

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mum2mum99 · 04/11/2015 15:22

The fact that you question it is the first step. Then just stay in high alert!

hangingoutattheendofmywick · 04/11/2015 15:42

When I met my husband to be he always took the Mick out of me - my height, my clothes - he still goes now 7 years later - it's his way of flirting I think. Men do this - the ladder thing is probably him trying to be funny. Short isn't an insult for a woman I think from a man. Now if he said "oh I'll need to get you a side plate of lard cause you're so fat" that's different. Once went out with a bloke who said "I love you... A bit" he was a prat. Never wanted to give his power away I reckon. But the comments you said wouldn't be red flags at all to me. I'd be right back taking the P out of his driving / chin / (run out of examples).

Also - as a side note - he could be "negging" you which I heard is when you say something negative to a woman in order to woo her. It's in that Game book. Works on some psychological basis that very attractive women are used to compliments but are taken off guard if you say negative things.... Slight negative things. I'm obviously not saying this is a good idea!

hangingoutattheendofmywick · 04/11/2015 15:45

Oh and I could write a book containing all the insults he has given me over the years re: IT Skills. But I counteract that by insulting his grammar and spelling.

Phoenix69 · 04/11/2015 15:56

I wouldn't treat it as a red flag but you need to say if it is bothering you. I love a bit of teasing and having banter but would always want my OH to know I enjoyed it and if the line had been crossed.

tell him how you feel.

HotNatured · 04/11/2015 16:13

I went out with a guy who told me I was 'quite hot' on our first date.

He turned out to be a massive arsehole.

NameChange30 · 04/11/2015 16:18

I think you can usually tell if they're teasing affectionately or if they're an arsehole. It sounds to me like this guy is the latter, but obviously I don't know for sure. What's your gut feeling, OP?

Original poster

MaryGorddon · 04/11/2015 17:55

I would have said it was mostly affectionate Emma but a couple of the remarks seemed less so. I suppose it is a case of being vigilant.

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Dungandbother · 04/11/2015 18:04

I would reckon if he is in sales of any kind then he is so ingrained of making stupid crap jokes that he won't realise he's a knob.

Reminds me of the 2nd hand car sales man I dated who put everyone down in a friendly manner constantly. His self esteem was non existent but only to me who saw straight through him

hangingoutattheendofmywick · 09/11/2015 16:03

dung was he called Chris?

OP - I was watching Alan Partridge at the weekend and he said to his GF "i love you......in a way" - it made me think of your bloke.

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